Well, I feel kinda bad about being Debbie Downer lately... I especially because it's not just on the blog.. I mean journaling on here is a way for me to release some negative feelings so it's more so on the blog, but also in general I haven't been in the best of moods.. and I feel bad because I especially think it put a damper on last nigiht... Jarad was being very nice to me, but I guess I was "transitioning" because I didn't accept or respond to it very well... I guess I had just put it in my head that I was going to have to be Ok with just being a friend for a while, so it was hard for me to flip that switch right away into being all lovey dovey... and I felt like it wasn't fair that we had to play by his schedule, when he wants to be sweet and nice to me, then that's how we are, and when he doesn't then that's how we are.. but what about what I want? What about when I want to be romantic and he wants to work on his truck? It just didn't feel like there was an equal level of control and all of that combined made me weird last night.. so I can only hope he gives it another shot tonight... but I guess I can't blame him if he doesn't... Although, it is pizza and a pitcher night, which usually seems to be enjoyable for us, so maybe it will all work itself out..
I'm anxious that it is May, it means so much exciting stuff will be coming up, for one I'm going to plant my plants in my garden soon, and I'm very excited for that to take place!!!! I'm also going to help G-ma plant flowers and she is going to give me a few to plant in pots for the outside of our house, and the rose bushes are starting to bloom, so I love that things are starting to grow..
The other very obvious thing to look forward to is Warm weather, open windows, top off the jeep, and all the great things that come along with sunshine! lol
The final thing that makes me very excited for May, well actually June, but getting to May is one step closer to getting to June..lol.. Anyway, I'll finally be combining my living situations. My apartment lease is up at the end of June, my roomate is getting a place with her boyfriend, and since I consider Fremont my home and Jarad and I spend so much time together at his house anyway, and it will save on money, all arrows have pointed to me actually moving in. Of course I'm nervous about it, more for his sake than mine, just because I've lived in a lot of houses with a lot of different types of roomates and I've had some serious relationships, but this is all kind of a first for JayRad and I only hope he can communicate with me about everything that's the only way sharing a living space will work. Over the last couple of months it has more or less like we have been living together, but nothing was ever official we just kind of went in the direction that worked best for both of us, I still have a lot of stuff at my aparment and it will be interesting to see how we fit it all in the little house.. lol... but I'm very excited, Jarad is, although we have our struggles, the only person I see myself duking it out with for a very long time... He has come a long way over the years of our friendship, and I have no doubts that he will continue to grow into an even more amazing man, it's just not happening quite as quickly as I had hoped.. haha jk- it's the typical frustration of Girls maturing faster than Boys... it happens in jr high, it happens in high school, and it is still happening after college, I just have to remind myself to take everything in stride, to appreciate the good moments and not stress over the days that we are in a valley instead of on top of a peak...
I know it seems contradicting, all my recent blogs where I'm confused about Jarad, but like I've said before, despite anything and everything, he is my best friend and we care for each other, and everyday we get thru another obstacle, and everyday there is another one to tackle, I can't predict the future, but I do love him and have always looked out for him and will always work for what is best for him, and because I know those things from the bottom of my heart, I have no reserves in sharing a home with him.
I have to remember that Jarad isn't the superhero I have built him up to be, so often I expect the world from him, I expect him to be the incredibly hard and dedicated worker that he is, I expect him to be a loving caring member of his family, I expect him to be able to fix every electrical, mechanical, and every other ical problem that there ever is, and I expect him to love me whole heartedly and be the romantic prince who sweeps me off my feet.... ugh, that's a lot to expect from someone, the funny part is, I actually believe he can do it, just not maybe all in one day :)
I know his heart is in the right place, even if his actions currently are not.. and what is in his heart is what I'm connected to, and the reason I love him everyday and the reason I'll do anything for him, maybe I have doubts and maybe I'll continue to... but I know that if we move forward together with out hearts in the right place... it will work out the way it's supposed to in the end.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Would have been a great day to stay in bed...
I was thinking to myself the other day about the "chicken or the egg" theory.. you know, which came first? Except I was comparing it to my feelings or the weather, both crappy but which came first? I seem more sane if I assume that the dreary weather made my mood dreary.. but I'm not so entirely sure... If I had much to say about "purgatory" - I would think that it might be where I'm at, not heaven, not hell... limbo.. just waiting, just holding on to the idea that he is my best friend and has always been, so even when it seems like we have nothing else, we have that... and maybe it I hold on to that long enough, we will come out of this slump we are in... The drunk neighbor guy thought we were brother and sister, and even though he was drunk, I still felt like he was spot on about the way Jarad's been acting around me... another buddy, pal, friend that is a girl, etc... I can't live out my life that way, I'm far to much of a dreamer, to much of a romantic, too much of a girl.. but for now, as previously mentioned, I can be his best friend and assume the best, assume he will see me as a beautiful woman... someday...
I've never thought Jarad takes anything for granted, but I do think he lets some things go unnoticed that maybe should be recognized... and I don't even think he does it on purpose, in his head he recognizes he just doesn't ever express the gratitude, or at least, he doesn't express it well... I'm ok with that most of the time, I don't expect him to grovel at my feet everytime I make sure he has clean clothes for work, but I've always held on to the notion that Jarad shows his appreciation in BIG ways, I like to show it in little ways every day, and I always thought Jarad liked to show it once or twice in a big way, I guess the problem, and it's my problem not his, but my problem is I started waiting for that big thing, that one thing that really would blow me away, when I wasn't expecting it and when Jarad really did want to do something for me, just for me, just because I matter... I just realized (and this is the reason I journal this stuff out, to help me come to realizations) but I realized that Jarad did do something big for me, my garden, he worked really hard on that, and I shouldn't take that for granted... It means a lot to me, and I know he did that just for me, I guess the reason it didn't strike me at first is because I felt like he was making it so that I would have something to do and he could do his own thing... it didn't seem like something we were going to do together, but nothing seems like something we are going to do together, unless it's me helping him clean something.....
In saying that, I realize we sound like a married couple, and you know I wouldn't mind sounding that way, except Jarad made it pretty clear he didn't want to be an old married couple, he didn't want to be married at all, he wanted to do his own thing on his own time and he didn't want to have to mention it to me... so apparently he wants all the perks of being married, the dedication to supporting him and helping him whenever he needs, but the freedom of being single to run off and forget about me and my feelings at the drop of a hat.. humph.. that's not going to work out for me so well..
On a happier note, my best friend Jessica is graduating from Pharmacy school this weekend, and Friday night is her graduation party in Omaha, should be a lot of fun, I'm so proud of her she was the valedictorian of my class, so I never doubted she would do something great, but she really has worked hard and spent a lot of years in school.. so she deserves all the awesome things that are about to come her way... I figure Jarad won't want to go out in Omaha and will have to work in the morning anyway, but at least he'll be happy that he gets to spend some more time apart from me... ugh, I wish I didn't sound so bitter... it's just that he's made that argument that we need to spend time apart over and over and over.. it finally just kind of rubbed me the wrong way.. I'm happy to spend the evening with my best friend/roomate at my apartment, I really enjoy even.. so idk why I feel like it needs to be about Jarad and his space... I guess because he is the one who made such a big deal about it..
I hate that I've been so negative, I love Jarad, I think that is obvious, we are just rattled right now, and I miss him, but I'm trying to make him happy, and what he said would make him happy is not spending so much time with me, that's kind of a kick in the ass no matter how you put it... I know it's healthy, I know he's trying to make our relationship work, but I was hoping when we spent time apart it would make our time together stronger, like he said, and it hasn't in fact it's making us more distant.... and That is what I'm scared of.
I'm just burnt out, burnt out on life, I'm burnt out at work, I'm burnt out in trying to understand Jarad, I'm burnt out on living in two places and not having all my stuff in one place, not having one home... I'm tired and burnt out and I just try to stay busy and go thru the motions so that I don't break down....
I should have stayed in bed today... and the worst part about having this feeling today, is it's only Wednesday, and it's not even 10am... it's going to be a long week.... I'm praying tonight isn't a total bust, Jarad said yesterday that he just wants to stay home and lounge together tonight, since we have been so busy with camperville the last couple of days, it's supposed to be rainy and stormy and I'm excited to just relax with my boyfriend, but what I'm afraid will actually happen will be kind of a repeat of Sunday night, Jarad fell asleep on the couch, and I sat in the chair and watched 4 hours of futurama which isn't a very good show but was just on and was mindless, so I watched it while he snored... I just thought to myself, I'd rather listen to him snore then listen to him yell.. I'd rather be watching a stupid adult cartoon than fighting with someone I love... so I kept my mouth shut and that's kind of been the trend since then, keep my mouth shut and we may not be lovers but at least we aren't enemies..... I'm not sure how long that will last, but at least it's allowing some time for thought.
OK, seriously, the depressing rambling is over and done, I'm going to find something to busy myself for a while, hopefully make this terribly long day seem a little bit shorter.
I've never thought Jarad takes anything for granted, but I do think he lets some things go unnoticed that maybe should be recognized... and I don't even think he does it on purpose, in his head he recognizes he just doesn't ever express the gratitude, or at least, he doesn't express it well... I'm ok with that most of the time, I don't expect him to grovel at my feet everytime I make sure he has clean clothes for work, but I've always held on to the notion that Jarad shows his appreciation in BIG ways, I like to show it in little ways every day, and I always thought Jarad liked to show it once or twice in a big way, I guess the problem, and it's my problem not his, but my problem is I started waiting for that big thing, that one thing that really would blow me away, when I wasn't expecting it and when Jarad really did want to do something for me, just for me, just because I matter... I just realized (and this is the reason I journal this stuff out, to help me come to realizations) but I realized that Jarad did do something big for me, my garden, he worked really hard on that, and I shouldn't take that for granted... It means a lot to me, and I know he did that just for me, I guess the reason it didn't strike me at first is because I felt like he was making it so that I would have something to do and he could do his own thing... it didn't seem like something we were going to do together, but nothing seems like something we are going to do together, unless it's me helping him clean something.....
In saying that, I realize we sound like a married couple, and you know I wouldn't mind sounding that way, except Jarad made it pretty clear he didn't want to be an old married couple, he didn't want to be married at all, he wanted to do his own thing on his own time and he didn't want to have to mention it to me... so apparently he wants all the perks of being married, the dedication to supporting him and helping him whenever he needs, but the freedom of being single to run off and forget about me and my feelings at the drop of a hat.. humph.. that's not going to work out for me so well..
On a happier note, my best friend Jessica is graduating from Pharmacy school this weekend, and Friday night is her graduation party in Omaha, should be a lot of fun, I'm so proud of her she was the valedictorian of my class, so I never doubted she would do something great, but she really has worked hard and spent a lot of years in school.. so she deserves all the awesome things that are about to come her way... I figure Jarad won't want to go out in Omaha and will have to work in the morning anyway, but at least he'll be happy that he gets to spend some more time apart from me... ugh, I wish I didn't sound so bitter... it's just that he's made that argument that we need to spend time apart over and over and over.. it finally just kind of rubbed me the wrong way.. I'm happy to spend the evening with my best friend/roomate at my apartment, I really enjoy even.. so idk why I feel like it needs to be about Jarad and his space... I guess because he is the one who made such a big deal about it..
I hate that I've been so negative, I love Jarad, I think that is obvious, we are just rattled right now, and I miss him, but I'm trying to make him happy, and what he said would make him happy is not spending so much time with me, that's kind of a kick in the ass no matter how you put it... I know it's healthy, I know he's trying to make our relationship work, but I was hoping when we spent time apart it would make our time together stronger, like he said, and it hasn't in fact it's making us more distant.... and That is what I'm scared of.
I'm just burnt out, burnt out on life, I'm burnt out at work, I'm burnt out in trying to understand Jarad, I'm burnt out on living in two places and not having all my stuff in one place, not having one home... I'm tired and burnt out and I just try to stay busy and go thru the motions so that I don't break down....
I should have stayed in bed today... and the worst part about having this feeling today, is it's only Wednesday, and it's not even 10am... it's going to be a long week.... I'm praying tonight isn't a total bust, Jarad said yesterday that he just wants to stay home and lounge together tonight, since we have been so busy with camperville the last couple of days, it's supposed to be rainy and stormy and I'm excited to just relax with my boyfriend, but what I'm afraid will actually happen will be kind of a repeat of Sunday night, Jarad fell asleep on the couch, and I sat in the chair and watched 4 hours of futurama which isn't a very good show but was just on and was mindless, so I watched it while he snored... I just thought to myself, I'd rather listen to him snore then listen to him yell.. I'd rather be watching a stupid adult cartoon than fighting with someone I love... so I kept my mouth shut and that's kind of been the trend since then, keep my mouth shut and we may not be lovers but at least we aren't enemies..... I'm not sure how long that will last, but at least it's allowing some time for thought.
OK, seriously, the depressing rambling is over and done, I'm going to find something to busy myself for a while, hopefully make this terribly long day seem a little bit shorter.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Grudges
I've recently been thinking about how people deal with pain, without going into great detail, I've been feeling quite a bit of it lately... things are a bit rocky on the homefront, and I currently am treading lightly, it seems like a wrong step and I find myself on a land mine... and land mine's with Jarad aren't fast explosions, they are days long, drawn out, silent treatments that never end in "we both say we are sorry" - they don't end, until he decideds he wants to be over it..
Recently he's been blowing up because I say stupid things, I can admit it, I make comments that I don't think about them before I say them, and they have obvioiusly rubbed him the wrong way- I mean, I talk a lot and it is inevitable that the more you talk the more likely it is that you will say something stupid......irregardless-I've never been one to hold a grudge,especially for stupid comments, but honestly I don't really even know how to stay mad at someone if they try to make it right with me.. if someone hurts me and I truely care for them, like family or a boyfriend of a year and a half, and they apologize and give me a hug, and explain that they did or said something stupid, then I accept it and move on, it takes too much energy to be mad for more than an hour, maybe a night if it's really bad, but new days bring new beginnings.. unless you are Jarad... I've honestly never known someone who can hold on to something for soooooooo long, I mean we dated right when he graduated high school and I was a freshman in college, we were both train wrecks, and it didn't end well... that was five years ago and it still haunts him and he still doubts my honesty and sincerity to him... seriously.. FIVE YEARS, people change in five years, I hope I am not the same person in 5 years that I am today, I want to improve, and I've definately improved since 5 years ago...
Anyway,Jarad and I deal with pain VERY differently, I want to talk and yell and talk until we've said everything and covered all our basis... he wants to run away from me, ignore my phone calls, my e-mails, even me, when I'm standing in front of him... I can't explain how big of a kick in the stomach that is, I believe it is the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone, but you know I understand that everyone deals with pain and anger differently, so I started giving him his space after an argument, he always said he needed space and time, but what I found was at the end of his "space & time" we still had the same argument wether it was an hour or 3 days, he was still pissy with me and we could have saved 3 days of worry and anger, had the argument right away and gotten over it... so because of all of this, I'm worried.
Jarad and I have not been normal, it especially sucks because all winter long we kept telling ourselves that everything would be better when it got warm out, well guess what... it's warm and we are worse... it feels like he is just pushing me away, finding reasons to fight with me, he wants his time and his space and he doesn't want to have to tell me where he is, when he'll be home, who he is with... you know, I get that to a certain point.. but newsflash... it's a relationship, you keep the other person's feelings and well being in mind at all times, which means probably telling them where you are! The frustrating part is that I really don't think Jarad knows what he wants, because as soon as I agree with him, and offer him ways to get away from me, and as soon as I make other plans to do other things not in Fremont, he seems sad and hurt... I just can't understand him, I go thru my head and say, well it could be stress at work, well it could be the sadness of close friends passing away, well it could be the economy and worry of money, well it could be a billion things, but if WE are in a relationship together, I shouldn't have to play these guessing games, if there is something bothering him, he should know that it's not all on his shoulders, that I want to take some of the stress on mine too, I'm here for him.. but he doesn't do that, he keeps everything to himself and sometimes I think that is worse than those who expect everyone to help them and feel bad for them, at least those people can communicate...
I'm lonely in my relationship, my boyfriend can be in the same house with me for hours and I'm lonely.... it's not all his fault, he is used to being independent and self involved, and I'm used to being co-dependent and concerned about everyone elses well being before my own... I'm working on being more independent, it is a quality I do want to develop.. but somedays I wish he would come my way a little, depend on me, share with me... Again, I say these things as impossible dreams, because I'm not naive, I know that a lot of the things I wish he would do or say, are things that the majority of Men in general do not do or say... but a girl can dream that she will find the exception to the rule..right?
He does so many things well, and he is a very sweet person, sometimes I look at pictures from like last summer and I think.. that was us, that's the Jarad and Kate that are happy together... but it doesn't seem like I'm looking at me and my boyfriend right now, it seems like I'm looking at another couple from a long time ago.. people I knew and thought were soo in love, I wish we could get back there, be them again, growing up sucks, in all reality I'm in a better place then I was then, I'm making more money, I'm paying off debt, I'm learning about myself, I'm trying new hobbies, but I guess I had the barbie doll dream, that me and Ken would grow into all of these things together, become adults together... wrong again. Seems like Ken wants to hop in the 'Barbie Jeep' with any other Barbie or Ken that isn't me. I feel like he connects me with stress and I hate that, I am not a stressful person, anyone you connect your life with is going to affect you, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.. but I'm not demanding, I don't expect things from him, I just want to be in love and have fun together, sometimes I feel like he just wants me to be another buddy.... Of course I want to be his best friend, but I have needs to, I need romance and attempts at things that maybe aren't what he is into but he knows is something I'll love... I'm not high maintenence but I am a woman, I want flowers, and surprises, and I don't even need material things, I just need moments that are all about him and me together, and the more I think about what I want and need, the more I start to question our relationship, maybe it's a matter of time before he realizes these things or maybe he'll never be that guy and I either have to live with it or live with out it...
We obviously care a great deal about each other, that should never be questioned... but while I used to be soo sure about our future together, I'm not quite there anymore... It's a big future and I want a lot out of it... I used to think Jarad was there with me, and now he's pretty far behind...
I don't know, I'm praying that time and patience will help me sort these kind of things out, I'm in no hurry to make any changes, maybe our moons will balance out or whatever those moons do and we will be back on track again.. I'm putting all my eggs in that basket for now...
Here's to keep your fingers crossed, and a quote from my very favorite angry female musical artist- "The only way Out is Through" - Alanis Morrisette
Recently he's been blowing up because I say stupid things, I can admit it, I make comments that I don't think about them before I say them, and they have obvioiusly rubbed him the wrong way- I mean, I talk a lot and it is inevitable that the more you talk the more likely it is that you will say something stupid......irregardless-I've never been one to hold a grudge,especially for stupid comments, but honestly I don't really even know how to stay mad at someone if they try to make it right with me.. if someone hurts me and I truely care for them, like family or a boyfriend of a year and a half, and they apologize and give me a hug, and explain that they did or said something stupid, then I accept it and move on, it takes too much energy to be mad for more than an hour, maybe a night if it's really bad, but new days bring new beginnings.. unless you are Jarad... I've honestly never known someone who can hold on to something for soooooooo long, I mean we dated right when he graduated high school and I was a freshman in college, we were both train wrecks, and it didn't end well... that was five years ago and it still haunts him and he still doubts my honesty and sincerity to him... seriously.. FIVE YEARS, people change in five years, I hope I am not the same person in 5 years that I am today, I want to improve, and I've definately improved since 5 years ago...
Anyway,Jarad and I deal with pain VERY differently, I want to talk and yell and talk until we've said everything and covered all our basis... he wants to run away from me, ignore my phone calls, my e-mails, even me, when I'm standing in front of him... I can't explain how big of a kick in the stomach that is, I believe it is the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone, but you know I understand that everyone deals with pain and anger differently, so I started giving him his space after an argument, he always said he needed space and time, but what I found was at the end of his "space & time" we still had the same argument wether it was an hour or 3 days, he was still pissy with me and we could have saved 3 days of worry and anger, had the argument right away and gotten over it... so because of all of this, I'm worried.
Jarad and I have not been normal, it especially sucks because all winter long we kept telling ourselves that everything would be better when it got warm out, well guess what... it's warm and we are worse... it feels like he is just pushing me away, finding reasons to fight with me, he wants his time and his space and he doesn't want to have to tell me where he is, when he'll be home, who he is with... you know, I get that to a certain point.. but newsflash... it's a relationship, you keep the other person's feelings and well being in mind at all times, which means probably telling them where you are! The frustrating part is that I really don't think Jarad knows what he wants, because as soon as I agree with him, and offer him ways to get away from me, and as soon as I make other plans to do other things not in Fremont, he seems sad and hurt... I just can't understand him, I go thru my head and say, well it could be stress at work, well it could be the sadness of close friends passing away, well it could be the economy and worry of money, well it could be a billion things, but if WE are in a relationship together, I shouldn't have to play these guessing games, if there is something bothering him, he should know that it's not all on his shoulders, that I want to take some of the stress on mine too, I'm here for him.. but he doesn't do that, he keeps everything to himself and sometimes I think that is worse than those who expect everyone to help them and feel bad for them, at least those people can communicate...
I'm lonely in my relationship, my boyfriend can be in the same house with me for hours and I'm lonely.... it's not all his fault, he is used to being independent and self involved, and I'm used to being co-dependent and concerned about everyone elses well being before my own... I'm working on being more independent, it is a quality I do want to develop.. but somedays I wish he would come my way a little, depend on me, share with me... Again, I say these things as impossible dreams, because I'm not naive, I know that a lot of the things I wish he would do or say, are things that the majority of Men in general do not do or say... but a girl can dream that she will find the exception to the rule..right?
He does so many things well, and he is a very sweet person, sometimes I look at pictures from like last summer and I think.. that was us, that's the Jarad and Kate that are happy together... but it doesn't seem like I'm looking at me and my boyfriend right now, it seems like I'm looking at another couple from a long time ago.. people I knew and thought were soo in love, I wish we could get back there, be them again, growing up sucks, in all reality I'm in a better place then I was then, I'm making more money, I'm paying off debt, I'm learning about myself, I'm trying new hobbies, but I guess I had the barbie doll dream, that me and Ken would grow into all of these things together, become adults together... wrong again. Seems like Ken wants to hop in the 'Barbie Jeep' with any other Barbie or Ken that isn't me. I feel like he connects me with stress and I hate that, I am not a stressful person, anyone you connect your life with is going to affect you, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.. but I'm not demanding, I don't expect things from him, I just want to be in love and have fun together, sometimes I feel like he just wants me to be another buddy.... Of course I want to be his best friend, but I have needs to, I need romance and attempts at things that maybe aren't what he is into but he knows is something I'll love... I'm not high maintenence but I am a woman, I want flowers, and surprises, and I don't even need material things, I just need moments that are all about him and me together, and the more I think about what I want and need, the more I start to question our relationship, maybe it's a matter of time before he realizes these things or maybe he'll never be that guy and I either have to live with it or live with out it...
We obviously care a great deal about each other, that should never be questioned... but while I used to be soo sure about our future together, I'm not quite there anymore... It's a big future and I want a lot out of it... I used to think Jarad was there with me, and now he's pretty far behind...
I don't know, I'm praying that time and patience will help me sort these kind of things out, I'm in no hurry to make any changes, maybe our moons will balance out or whatever those moons do and we will be back on track again.. I'm putting all my eggs in that basket for now...
Here's to keep your fingers crossed, and a quote from my very favorite angry female musical artist- "The only way Out is Through" - Alanis Morrisette
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Decided to Blog today...
Well, not a lot going on today or in general which I'm so glad about.. the last couple of weeks/weekends were jam packed! I haven't decided yet WHAT I'm going to blog about today, and I think I'll just leave it up for the day and randomly comment on things happening around me or on my mind.. sounds fun right?
I realized today that either my mind is slipping or I just stopped caring but I've noticed that I'm not as good with names as I used to be.. It's not terrible yet.. but I mix up Brianne or Brianna or Kirsten vs Kristen.. Diana/Deanna - I used to be very particular about making sure I had it right, but I seem to be slacking at that and I'm not sure why?! Old age I suppose :)
On another note, I've definately been clumsy lately.. beyond my normal stubbing of my toes, I recently got in a fight with the Can crusher we have and it won! The worst part is, it looks like I got punched in the eye... the metal handle fell on my forehead and down my face and bruised my head and scrachted the lid of my eye and made it nice and purple underneath my eye.. yes it looks like I got in a bar fight.. lol.. and I considered using that as my story just so it doesn't sound as stupid as the can crusher handle fell on me..lol.. worse yet Jarad was worried people would think he was beating me up, haha... he was very sweet about it though, obviously it was might fault that I bumped it and it fell on me, but he was very concerned and kept saying he was sorry it happened to me, it was nice because IT HURT!!!!!!! I sobbed a little bit in the bathroom so no one saw then I sucked it up and went back downstairs with Jarad and Sam and had a beer..lol.. so not only was he very sweet to me since I was injured he did it in front of his buddy... reason #4 million and five that I love that guy :) Luckily the bruising and swelling went down pretty quickly, the scratches are still noticeable and a little purple tint under my eye but not terrible, the most painful part is the bump on my forehead, it isn't noticeable when you look at me but it hurts a lot and gives me headaches, again, this happened sunday night and today (tuesday) it's Much better, yesterday was the worst and of course on the day you feel the worst is the day you are super swamped and busy at work.. ugh
Oh well, I made it thru the day, even made it to the visitation for Kelly, a co-worker of Jarad's that passed away in a car accident at the young age of 27, it was a pretty harsh reality to go to a funeral of someone that close to your own age... I didn't know him personally but Jarad and him talked every day at work, so I could tell it was pretty hard on Jarad and I was glad to be there for him.. anyway, I made it thru work and the visitation and we grabbed Arby's and I pretty much crashed..lol.. I laid on the couch, and watched my dvr shows, 30 rock, desperate houswives, and House... there were plenty of things I should have been doing around the house but since last week/weekend was so busy and seemed like a blur, I just wanted to relax..
WHEW- Just got crazy busy around here all of a sudden, but not bad busy... I like busy when I'm knocking things out of the park, getting them done, crossing them off my list, and getting the answers I want, I hate busy when it's busy work and nothing actually ever gets completed, or if it does it gets done incorrectly, I hate wasting time!!! Anyway, I kind of want more coffee!!! lol..
Well my lunch for the second day in a row consisted of Aunt Jan's spicy creamy corn.. lol.. She gave me a big bowl to take home and it's so delicious I've just been eating it as a meal because I like it so much! That, and because we haven't gotten groceries in like a month and the fridge/cupboards are completely empty except for fastfood and easter left overs...lol- Pathetic, I know... I like grocery shopping but I've been wanting Jarad to go with me, I like it even more when we go together but he acts like it's the worst thing in the world... humph oh well, eventually when he is sick of not having groceries, he'll go with me :)
blahhhhhhh I cannot wait until this week is over, get me past April 15th, and I mean way past, I keep saying once tomorrow is over, everything will be better, but I have a feeling I'll have to work some miracle on the 16th or 17th so now I'm saying get me thru this week and everything will hopefully sllllllooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww down. The good news is my day flew by today, the bad news my brain is going to be mush by the time I get home... the plan is to escape around 3:30pm- I was here till almost 5 yesterday, which means I get to leave before 4, for pretty much the rest of the week, as long as I get here by 7:45am instead of 8am like this morning, oopsies... I had to get gas and didn't plan accordingly so I was running a little late, but lucky for me, no one really notices or minds, they know I'm true to my 40 hours and will adjust my days accordingly. The bottom line rule for my hours is this- Never leave before 3pm unless pre-approved, and never show up after 8am unless preapproved, anything before or after those 8-3 hours are pretty flexible.. somedays I stay till 5 some days I leave at 3:30, etc...
so anyways, I'm on hold now with the operations center, this is pretty frequent for me, I call all our operations centers probably 3-8 times a day, making sure all the t's are crossed and i's dotted and everyone in the line is doing their job, it's amazing how many hands touch the paperwork before approval and how much room for error there is when dealing with this stuff.. but that's what I'm here for I suppose- job security.. haha
Well, I used up a good 15 minutes talking to Kristen the new girl up front, I really like her! We just realized we are the same age, like almost to the date, which is exciting because almost everyone here is older than me so it's nice to have someone in the same age group as me, she is engaged which is awesome, but it doesn't sound like she has a lot of education... not to judge, she is very smart and her experience is impressive and great for the job, but I still feel special being one of the few that has a college degree in the office :)
Wow, this blog is going to be pretty boring for those who read it... it's kind of like listening to me talk to myself.. haha but oh well, it helps me sort my thoughts... which when your mind races with ideas like mine, it's good to sort your thoughts.. lol... There are two things I should be doing right now, but I'm putting both of them off until Thur and Friday when my bosses will be in meetings and it will be AFTER the 15th.
I was going to say maybe tonight we will go grocery shopping, but the likelyhood is low, it's suppsoed to be beautiful outside this afternoon and I know we will find something else to busy ourselves with.. lol.. I think I'm going to start tilling up my little garden, I'm terrified to put my plants outside tho... I don't want them to die! I know I need to ween them and bring them outside a little at a time and I'll start doing that this week, but still.. actually planting them in the ground.. EEEK! Here is my list of veggies I'm growing... if I'll actually end up with edible veggies from all these plants it will be a miracle-
Red Peppers
Green Peppers
Orange Peppers
Jalepeno Peppers
Tomatoes
Lettuce
Cucumbers
Onions
Carrots
I think that's everything... yes, I love peppers and that's why I planted a variety, my cucumber plants are not doing the best so idk if those will hold thru, the onions should come out pretty well the rest are a gamble... who knows!?!?
Well, one more hour... this is the moment where I start to hold my breath because something could come across my desk right now that would keep me here till 5, and that's just the way it is... or I could BS and be bored and have nothing to do for an hour.. again who knows?!?!
I do know that for now, I'm wrapping this up, I have some busy work I can do that I'm hoping will be fun and will pass the time a little quicker... enjoy your day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I realized today that either my mind is slipping or I just stopped caring but I've noticed that I'm not as good with names as I used to be.. It's not terrible yet.. but I mix up Brianne or Brianna or Kirsten vs Kristen.. Diana/Deanna - I used to be very particular about making sure I had it right, but I seem to be slacking at that and I'm not sure why?! Old age I suppose :)
On another note, I've definately been clumsy lately.. beyond my normal stubbing of my toes, I recently got in a fight with the Can crusher we have and it won! The worst part is, it looks like I got punched in the eye... the metal handle fell on my forehead and down my face and bruised my head and scrachted the lid of my eye and made it nice and purple underneath my eye.. yes it looks like I got in a bar fight.. lol.. and I considered using that as my story just so it doesn't sound as stupid as the can crusher handle fell on me..lol.. worse yet Jarad was worried people would think he was beating me up, haha... he was very sweet about it though, obviously it was might fault that I bumped it and it fell on me, but he was very concerned and kept saying he was sorry it happened to me, it was nice because IT HURT!!!!!!! I sobbed a little bit in the bathroom so no one saw then I sucked it up and went back downstairs with Jarad and Sam and had a beer..lol.. so not only was he very sweet to me since I was injured he did it in front of his buddy... reason #4 million and five that I love that guy :) Luckily the bruising and swelling went down pretty quickly, the scratches are still noticeable and a little purple tint under my eye but not terrible, the most painful part is the bump on my forehead, it isn't noticeable when you look at me but it hurts a lot and gives me headaches, again, this happened sunday night and today (tuesday) it's Much better, yesterday was the worst and of course on the day you feel the worst is the day you are super swamped and busy at work.. ugh
Oh well, I made it thru the day, even made it to the visitation for Kelly, a co-worker of Jarad's that passed away in a car accident at the young age of 27, it was a pretty harsh reality to go to a funeral of someone that close to your own age... I didn't know him personally but Jarad and him talked every day at work, so I could tell it was pretty hard on Jarad and I was glad to be there for him.. anyway, I made it thru work and the visitation and we grabbed Arby's and I pretty much crashed..lol.. I laid on the couch, and watched my dvr shows, 30 rock, desperate houswives, and House... there were plenty of things I should have been doing around the house but since last week/weekend was so busy and seemed like a blur, I just wanted to relax..
WHEW- Just got crazy busy around here all of a sudden, but not bad busy... I like busy when I'm knocking things out of the park, getting them done, crossing them off my list, and getting the answers I want, I hate busy when it's busy work and nothing actually ever gets completed, or if it does it gets done incorrectly, I hate wasting time!!! Anyway, I kind of want more coffee!!! lol..
Well my lunch for the second day in a row consisted of Aunt Jan's spicy creamy corn.. lol.. She gave me a big bowl to take home and it's so delicious I've just been eating it as a meal because I like it so much! That, and because we haven't gotten groceries in like a month and the fridge/cupboards are completely empty except for fastfood and easter left overs...lol- Pathetic, I know... I like grocery shopping but I've been wanting Jarad to go with me, I like it even more when we go together but he acts like it's the worst thing in the world... humph oh well, eventually when he is sick of not having groceries, he'll go with me :)
blahhhhhhh I cannot wait until this week is over, get me past April 15th, and I mean way past, I keep saying once tomorrow is over, everything will be better, but I have a feeling I'll have to work some miracle on the 16th or 17th so now I'm saying get me thru this week and everything will hopefully sllllllooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww down. The good news is my day flew by today, the bad news my brain is going to be mush by the time I get home... the plan is to escape around 3:30pm- I was here till almost 5 yesterday, which means I get to leave before 4, for pretty much the rest of the week, as long as I get here by 7:45am instead of 8am like this morning, oopsies... I had to get gas and didn't plan accordingly so I was running a little late, but lucky for me, no one really notices or minds, they know I'm true to my 40 hours and will adjust my days accordingly. The bottom line rule for my hours is this- Never leave before 3pm unless pre-approved, and never show up after 8am unless preapproved, anything before or after those 8-3 hours are pretty flexible.. somedays I stay till 5 some days I leave at 3:30, etc...
so anyways, I'm on hold now with the operations center, this is pretty frequent for me, I call all our operations centers probably 3-8 times a day, making sure all the t's are crossed and i's dotted and everyone in the line is doing their job, it's amazing how many hands touch the paperwork before approval and how much room for error there is when dealing with this stuff.. but that's what I'm here for I suppose- job security.. haha
Well, I used up a good 15 minutes talking to Kristen the new girl up front, I really like her! We just realized we are the same age, like almost to the date, which is exciting because almost everyone here is older than me so it's nice to have someone in the same age group as me, she is engaged which is awesome, but it doesn't sound like she has a lot of education... not to judge, she is very smart and her experience is impressive and great for the job, but I still feel special being one of the few that has a college degree in the office :)
Wow, this blog is going to be pretty boring for those who read it... it's kind of like listening to me talk to myself.. haha but oh well, it helps me sort my thoughts... which when your mind races with ideas like mine, it's good to sort your thoughts.. lol... There are two things I should be doing right now, but I'm putting both of them off until Thur and Friday when my bosses will be in meetings and it will be AFTER the 15th.
I was going to say maybe tonight we will go grocery shopping, but the likelyhood is low, it's suppsoed to be beautiful outside this afternoon and I know we will find something else to busy ourselves with.. lol.. I think I'm going to start tilling up my little garden, I'm terrified to put my plants outside tho... I don't want them to die! I know I need to ween them and bring them outside a little at a time and I'll start doing that this week, but still.. actually planting them in the ground.. EEEK! Here is my list of veggies I'm growing... if I'll actually end up with edible veggies from all these plants it will be a miracle-
Red Peppers
Green Peppers
Orange Peppers
Jalepeno Peppers
Tomatoes
Lettuce
Cucumbers
Onions
Carrots
I think that's everything... yes, I love peppers and that's why I planted a variety, my cucumber plants are not doing the best so idk if those will hold thru, the onions should come out pretty well the rest are a gamble... who knows!?!?
Well, one more hour... this is the moment where I start to hold my breath because something could come across my desk right now that would keep me here till 5, and that's just the way it is... or I could BS and be bored and have nothing to do for an hour.. again who knows?!?!
I do know that for now, I'm wrapping this up, I have some busy work I can do that I'm hoping will be fun and will pass the time a little quicker... enjoy your day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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