Grudges

I've recently been thinking about how people deal with pain, without going into great detail, I've been feeling quite a bit of it lately... things are a bit rocky on the homefront, and I currently am treading lightly, it seems like a wrong step and I find myself on a land mine... and land mine's with Jarad aren't fast explosions, they are days long, drawn out, silent treatments that never end in "we both say we are sorry" - they don't end, until he decideds he wants to be over it..

Recently he's been blowing up because I say stupid things, I can admit it, I make comments that I don't think about them before I say them, and they have obvioiusly rubbed him the wrong way- I mean, I talk a lot and it is inevitable that the more you talk the more likely it is that you will say something stupid......irregardless-I've never been one to hold a grudge,especially for stupid comments, but honestly I don't really even know how to stay mad at someone if they try to make it right with me.. if someone hurts me and I truely care for them, like family or a boyfriend of a year and a half, and they apologize and give me a hug, and explain that they did or said something stupid, then I accept it and move on, it takes too much energy to be mad for more than an hour, maybe a night if it's really bad, but new days bring new beginnings.. unless you are Jarad... I've honestly never known someone who can hold on to something for soooooooo long, I mean we dated right when he graduated high school and I was a freshman in college, we were both train wrecks, and it didn't end well... that was five years ago and it still haunts him and he still doubts my honesty and sincerity to him... seriously.. FIVE YEARS, people change in five years, I hope I am not the same person in 5 years that I am today, I want to improve, and I've definately improved since 5 years ago...

Anyway,Jarad and I deal with pain VERY differently, I want to talk and yell and talk until we've said everything and covered all our basis... he wants to run away from me, ignore my phone calls, my e-mails, even me, when I'm standing in front of him... I can't explain how big of a kick in the stomach that is, I believe it is the most disrespectful thing you can do to someone, but you know I understand that everyone deals with pain and anger differently, so I started giving him his space after an argument, he always said he needed space and time, but what I found was at the end of his "space & time" we still had the same argument wether it was an hour or 3 days, he was still pissy with me and we could have saved 3 days of worry and anger, had the argument right away and gotten over it... so because of all of this, I'm worried.

Jarad and I have not been normal, it especially sucks because all winter long we kept telling ourselves that everything would be better when it got warm out, well guess what... it's warm and we are worse... it feels like he is just pushing me away, finding reasons to fight with me, he wants his time and his space and he doesn't want to have to tell me where he is, when he'll be home, who he is with... you know, I get that to a certain point.. but newsflash... it's a relationship, you keep the other person's feelings and well being in mind at all times, which means probably telling them where you are! The frustrating part is that I really don't think Jarad knows what he wants, because as soon as I agree with him, and offer him ways to get away from me, and as soon as I make other plans to do other things not in Fremont, he seems sad and hurt... I just can't understand him, I go thru my head and say, well it could be stress at work, well it could be the sadness of close friends passing away, well it could be the economy and worry of money, well it could be a billion things, but if WE are in a relationship together, I shouldn't have to play these guessing games, if there is something bothering him, he should know that it's not all on his shoulders, that I want to take some of the stress on mine too, I'm here for him.. but he doesn't do that, he keeps everything to himself and sometimes I think that is worse than those who expect everyone to help them and feel bad for them, at least those people can communicate...

I'm lonely in my relationship, my boyfriend can be in the same house with me for hours and I'm lonely.... it's not all his fault, he is used to being independent and self involved, and I'm used to being co-dependent and concerned about everyone elses well being before my own... I'm working on being more independent, it is a quality I do want to develop.. but somedays I wish he would come my way a little, depend on me, share with me... Again, I say these things as impossible dreams, because I'm not naive, I know that a lot of the things I wish he would do or say, are things that the majority of Men in general do not do or say... but a girl can dream that she will find the exception to the rule..right?

He does so many things well, and he is a very sweet person, sometimes I look at pictures from like last summer and I think.. that was us, that's the Jarad and Kate that are happy together... but it doesn't seem like I'm looking at me and my boyfriend right now, it seems like I'm looking at another couple from a long time ago.. people I knew and thought were soo in love, I wish we could get back there, be them again, growing up sucks, in all reality I'm in a better place then I was then, I'm making more money, I'm paying off debt, I'm learning about myself, I'm trying new hobbies, but I guess I had the barbie doll dream, that me and Ken would grow into all of these things together, become adults together... wrong again. Seems like Ken wants to hop in the 'Barbie Jeep' with any other Barbie or Ken that isn't me. I feel like he connects me with stress and I hate that, I am not a stressful person, anyone you connect your life with is going to affect you, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.. but I'm not demanding, I don't expect things from him, I just want to be in love and have fun together, sometimes I feel like he just wants me to be another buddy.... Of course I want to be his best friend, but I have needs to, I need romance and attempts at things that maybe aren't what he is into but he knows is something I'll love... I'm not high maintenence but I am a woman, I want flowers, and surprises, and I don't even need material things, I just need moments that are all about him and me together, and the more I think about what I want and need, the more I start to question our relationship, maybe it's a matter of time before he realizes these things or maybe he'll never be that guy and I either have to live with it or live with out it...

We obviously care a great deal about each other, that should never be questioned... but while I used to be soo sure about our future together, I'm not quite there anymore... It's a big future and I want a lot out of it... I used to think Jarad was there with me, and now he's pretty far behind...

I don't know, I'm praying that time and patience will help me sort these kind of things out, I'm in no hurry to make any changes, maybe our moons will balance out or whatever those moons do and we will be back on track again.. I'm putting all my eggs in that basket for now...

Here's to keep your fingers crossed, and a quote from my very favorite angry female musical artist- "The only way Out is Through" - Alanis Morrisette