I feel extremely fortunate to be writing about this in past tense. Though we are both stubborn fools, he forgave me last night and what an emotional rollarcoster it was.
I messed up, it was pretty simple. It was alcohol induced and completely uncalled for. I had been listening to my ex tell me how terrible of a person I was for weeks, and I think it is because he was stressed about moving away to Florida, but either way for some stupid reason I thought it was necessary for us to at least be on friendly terms when he moved away, especially since we have the same circle of friends, I didn't want to lose my friends, which meant I had to tolerate him.
So I explained that I cared for him and he was a good person, I also explained that I was dating the person I thought was perfect for me, but in a drunken ramble on Saturday I told him things that were untrue and over the line for someone with a boyfriend, a wonderful boyfriend. I didn't actually even remember sending the stupid text message, but Jarad not only remembered but sat up all night upset about it as I slept, I felt terrible in the morning when he was upset with me and I didn't even know why, after further investigation I figured it out but by that time, Jarad had made up his mind that I was on a mission to destroy his heart.
This was never the case, I never doubted my feelings for Jarad, I never thought for even a second that I was in love with my ex or that I wanted to be with him instead of Jarad. It was a poor decision, to say the things I did, and seeing Jarad act the way he did, broke my heart. I tried all day Sunday to get Jarad to talk to me, in between sobbing and whining to my friends, I got very little response from him, he wouldn't answer my calls, and only responded twice to the dozens of text messages I was sending him, I thought for sure I had ruined everything. I knew Jarad was stubborn, I mean three years ago we let each other fall off the face of the earth, he really did ignore my calls, texts, e-mails etc for weeks back then till I finally gave up. I thought for sure this time would be no different. However this time, I wasn't going to give up so easily.
After a sleepless Sunday night, and a stressful day of work on Monday, I decided that I had to talk with Jarad face to face, that was all there was too it, and I told him I was coming to Fremont, he told me not to, he told me I was not going to fix this in one day, I agreed but told him I was at least going to start the process of forgiveness, he said no, I said I'll be outside your house when your ready to talk... and I was, I got there shortly after 6pm and I sat in my car, with a sign on the window that said, "I'm here when you're ready, I love you Jarad" - and there I sat, and sat, and sat, it rained and then the sun came out and then the sun went down and I was there in my car outside his front door. I got a few break throughs with text messages but as soon as I thought we were getting somewhere he would tell me to leave, I of course told him, no not this time.
So, the hours went by, his friends came and went from his house of course all knowing what was going on and wishing me luck. Finally it was 10:30pm, and I think enough of his friends had gone in and told him to come out and talk to me, that he did. Angrily, he sat in my car and said you have 5 minutes to say what you have to say. I sobbed and begged him to look at me, I told him I scrwed up and I told him I loved him, it was like all of a sudden 5 minutes was not enough time and I didn't have the right words to use, he broke down... though I thought it nearly impossible to see Jarad cry, there it was.. a tear, and his hand to his face, his voice cracked and he told me to leave, to leave him alone, that he couldn't go through this again, he went to open the door and I reached for him, only for him to pull away and me to crumble over the passenger seat bawling.
To my surprise, he crumbled against his car in the yard also sobbing. I felt like I must have been the absolute worst person in the world, at that moment I was Hitler and Osama, and every other truely terrible person, I broke the man I loved, that sobbing boy in the yard was crumbled because of me. I couldn't handle it, I was responsible for making him feel that way and I was going to be responsible for fixing it. I got out of my car and ran to him, I sat down next to him, but not too close, I knew he didn't want to feel my touch, but I wanted him to feel my presence.
He yelled again for me to leave him alone, that I was doing this to him, and again got up and left me sitting there, this time I didn't know what to do. In my mind the thoughts "for better for worse" came into my head, obviously we are not married, but I loved him and to me this was one of Jarad's worst moments and all I wanted to do was hold him, on the other hand it seemed that when I got close to him, I was the reason for his "worst" - I was torn and so I sat on the steps outside and prayed, when I had composed myself a bit, and thought it possible Jarad had as well, I went to try again, I headed for the garage but stopped when I heard his voice talking to his friend Tim.
I heard, "I love her, I've always loved her." I thought it best not to interrupt this conversation so I sat again, this time on the steps outside the garage. I could hear muffled bits and pieces of Jarad saying, I didn't give her enough attention, I'm not good at showing my feelings, but I should show them to her, I heard him say that he remembered mowing his yard in 9th grade when I pulled up in my truck and he thought to himself, "I'm going to marry that girl" - It sounds like a country love song, but I believe him, We've always loved each other, we just took turns being too blind to see it.
Finally, after a while the garage door starts to open and I hear Jarad say to Tim, "if she's still here, I need to talk to her" - My heart finally came back to life at that moment. We walked over by his truck for a little more privacy and he pulled me into his arms, we hugged for what seemed like hours but still wasn't long enough, when we finally were able to talk, it was a rush of I'm sorrys, though I never ever thought he did anything wrong, I can't say that it wasn't comforting to hear him admit that he doesn't always show his feelings, I know it, and I've accepted it, but because I knew it was difficult for him to say, I Really appreciated it.
I told him that I was in it for the long run, the things I said were never because I didn't love him, but simply because I was trying too hard to make everyone else happy. I've realized now that myself and Jarad are the first people I should consider making happy and everyone else who is actually my friend and actually cares for me will respect that. I have to admit that hugging and kissing Jarad after I was forced to think about never being able to hold him again, was the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't think he has quite yet grasped how important he is to me, but in time I hope we can grow to trust and realize that about each other. My persistance paid off this time, I knew I couldn't just give up on Jarad and I never will. Neither of us are perfect people, but when we first started dating we made a promise to not let stupid mistakes ruin the big picture, the "Jarad and Katy Story" - we made it through this and I believe it has made us stronger, and needless to say, I learned more than one valuable lesson.
I just want to mentally thank all the family and friends who were there for Jarad, and all the family and friends who were there for me, we both agreed that a lot of people stepped up to the plate to give advice, to sit there while we sulked, and to try and make us laugh. It mean's a lot to me, whether you were supporting our relationship or discouraging it, you did it because you care for us and that's always an extremely good feeling.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Art Poem
Here is an actual art poem, I've been working on revising....
HER COLORLESS PORTRAIT
With Black ink he drew her
insides out on soft White paper
Intensely stroking each part
of her body with a brush
he was still breaking in.
Her indiscretions bled out
like the Red paint he blended.
Pulling apart weakness from
fear; the two were intertwined
with veins that had a Purple lust.
Tightly wound around her
neck was a Yellow chord of
sunshine, choking all her words
but forcing her to smile.
Brushing past her Pink cheeks
causing her to blush from
the pressure of his pen
he brought attention to her
vibrant Blue eyes, he brought
attention to the parts he loved.
Against her Brown stomach
he sketched each line deeper
than the last, at times she wanted
to shade her soul but couldn’t
deny that he made her glow.
He colored in her Ruby lips
carefully, tracing the tips
of her fingers, drawing a ring
on her left hand, then kissing
the woman that touched him
deeper than all of the Colors.
HER COLORLESS PORTRAIT
With Black ink he drew her
insides out on soft White paper
Intensely stroking each part
of her body with a brush
he was still breaking in.
Her indiscretions bled out
like the Red paint he blended.
Pulling apart weakness from
fear; the two were intertwined
with veins that had a Purple lust.
Tightly wound around her
neck was a Yellow chord of
sunshine, choking all her words
but forcing her to smile.
Brushing past her Pink cheeks
causing her to blush from
the pressure of his pen
he brought attention to her
vibrant Blue eyes, he brought
attention to the parts he loved.
Against her Brown stomach
he sketched each line deeper
than the last, at times she wanted
to shade her soul but couldn’t
deny that he made her glow.
He colored in her Ruby lips
carefully, tracing the tips
of her fingers, drawing a ring
on her left hand, then kissing
the woman that touched him
deeper than all of the Colors.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Science?
I think so often about art, colors, visuals, sounds, I think about the way words look, the way sentences fit or do not fit together, I became an English major because I liked the way words flow, sound, even the way they look when you write them out. I don't spell like a pro, and my grammar is typically terrible, I'm in love with run on sentences and if I could just day dream and write poetry all day, I'd be a happy camper. My point being, this poem came about because I was trying to think about science and combine the right and left brain. It needs some work, but here is a rough draft.
If art were like science,
then love would be something you could prove.
A theory that could be tested and would either prove
to work, or prove to fail. Failure we would accept,
because science proves it didn’t work. The equations
would add up correctly, providing one
acceptable answer. No one would question it,
like gravity; an apple falls from a tree
and you don’t love me. A scientific fact,
everything could be mapped out, with a few
variables here and there, we could show the exact path
of meeting and loving, or not loving. Test tubes,
eye goggles, white lab coats, me and you being measured,
poked, prodded, until a result, an answer, yes or no.
My hypothesis would be that we would rise up
only so far off the ground, before we would crash
at a 32 degree angle. Maybe we would boil,
I’m going by Fahrenheit but you’ve always thought
in Celsius. Based on temperature they would confirm,
stay together, walk away, if we combine you, it would be
an explosion. Maybe I would spontaneously combust
and you could watch my gases disappear into thin air.
That would prove we were not compatible, I was on oxygen
when you turned on your Bunsen burner.
You cradled a dead pig fetus before slicing
a tiny T across its rubbery chest. One needle at a time
I stuck pins through butterflies, presenting them,
a colorful formation that proved to impress you.
Periodic tables were more your thing, the real science
of sciences, I would sob as my butterflies slowly died
poison made them doze into death, you found
the antidote by killing rats, finally you say
the time has come, I have an answer for love
By existence it does not exist within one
but will always exist in another. Science!
Does not always have the answer.
If art were like science,
then love would be something you could prove.
A theory that could be tested and would either prove
to work, or prove to fail. Failure we would accept,
because science proves it didn’t work. The equations
would add up correctly, providing one
acceptable answer. No one would question it,
like gravity; an apple falls from a tree
and you don’t love me. A scientific fact,
everything could be mapped out, with a few
variables here and there, we could show the exact path
of meeting and loving, or not loving. Test tubes,
eye goggles, white lab coats, me and you being measured,
poked, prodded, until a result, an answer, yes or no.
My hypothesis would be that we would rise up
only so far off the ground, before we would crash
at a 32 degree angle. Maybe we would boil,
I’m going by Fahrenheit but you’ve always thought
in Celsius. Based on temperature they would confirm,
stay together, walk away, if we combine you, it would be
an explosion. Maybe I would spontaneously combust
and you could watch my gases disappear into thin air.
That would prove we were not compatible, I was on oxygen
when you turned on your Bunsen burner.
You cradled a dead pig fetus before slicing
a tiny T across its rubbery chest. One needle at a time
I stuck pins through butterflies, presenting them,
a colorful formation that proved to impress you.
Periodic tables were more your thing, the real science
of sciences, I would sob as my butterflies slowly died
poison made them doze into death, you found
the antidote by killing rats, finally you say
the time has come, I have an answer for love
By existence it does not exist within one
but will always exist in another. Science!
Does not always have the answer.
Me
With springtime FINALLY coming upon us, I find myself in the never ending battle of the life I grew up in, the country girl in the dirt and the life I have now, the office professional in the city. This is just an expression of my ups and downs, where I am, where I need to be, etc.
I am in love with fresh air.
I am craving for cool cut grass under my dirty bare feet.
I do look good in my white shirt and black suit.
I am a business professional from birth.
I beg to be surrounded by corn fields.
I hate having a commute to work.
I need trees to breath comfortably.
I need paper to print reports.
I can't help but love you when you’re dirty.
I can't help but stare when I put that tie around your neck.
I am Adventurous on gravel roads.
I am Pushy on the pavement.
I feel appropriate in the woods next to the river.
I feel awkward next to Barbie in her red power pumps.
I was an Indian picking corn and washing my feet in the creek.
I was free to explore fields, climb trees, and catch crawdads.
I skinned my knees, I talked to myself
I knew when to run for no reason.
I break my leg, I still talk to myself
I have no clue why I’m not running.
I live for a moment in the sunlight
I live by spending time in a cubicle.
I enjoy the noise of trees moving above me
I enjoy the sound of all the voices who know me.
I want to appear as if I belong in skyscrapers
I want to feel as if I’m dangling my feet in the cool creek water.
I will never be happy as one or the other
I will teeter totter between myself.
I will love you for bringing me down to earth
I will struggle in bringing you up to my office.
I come alive when I can see for miles
I get goose bumps from the sounds of frogs at night.
I can have a clear vision of the stars and I can reflect off the moon.
I have a fair understanding of where I need to be.
I have no clue how to get to the gravel road less traveled.
I am in love with fresh air.
I am craving for cool cut grass under my dirty bare feet.
I do look good in my white shirt and black suit.
I am a business professional from birth.
I beg to be surrounded by corn fields.
I hate having a commute to work.
I need trees to breath comfortably.
I need paper to print reports.
I can't help but love you when you’re dirty.
I can't help but stare when I put that tie around your neck.
I am Adventurous on gravel roads.
I am Pushy on the pavement.
I feel appropriate in the woods next to the river.
I feel awkward next to Barbie in her red power pumps.
I was an Indian picking corn and washing my feet in the creek.
I was free to explore fields, climb trees, and catch crawdads.
I skinned my knees, I talked to myself
I knew when to run for no reason.
I break my leg, I still talk to myself
I have no clue why I’m not running.
I live for a moment in the sunlight
I live by spending time in a cubicle.
I enjoy the noise of trees moving above me
I enjoy the sound of all the voices who know me.
I want to appear as if I belong in skyscrapers
I want to feel as if I’m dangling my feet in the cool creek water.
I will never be happy as one or the other
I will teeter totter between myself.
I will love you for bringing me down to earth
I will struggle in bringing you up to my office.
I come alive when I can see for miles
I get goose bumps from the sounds of frogs at night.
I can have a clear vision of the stars and I can reflect off the moon.
I have a fair understanding of where I need to be.
I have no clue how to get to the gravel road less traveled.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The Kate and Jarad Story...
I’m recapping this in writing because I’d like to remember it the way I feel right now…
Remembering the beginning….
I know it was summer when Jarad moved to the house down the road from me, I can’t remember what month or how tall the corn was at the time, but it was warm enough that my girlfriends and I would go drive around the creek in my grandparents golf cart, simply to get out of the house and so we could talk about boys in the privacy of the fields without our parents to hear us. I remember hearing that a family finally moved in the house that had rumors surrounding it. I don’t think I ever knew there were two boys in the family or how close in age they were to me, until I took the chance of going over there to introduce myself. I don’t even know that I was going to introduce myself; I think I had decided to take the drive by approach, scope it out, and look as if I was heading into town, on a golf cart…completely normal, right? Well, as I look back it was silly, but the way things unfolded was not.
I drove by the house, and saw a boy, elbow deep in the random parts of a lawn mower. He was covered in grease, and he surprisingly didn’t seemed all that shocked to see a couple of cute girls pull up on a golf cart, but then again, he was preparing to cruise around on a lawn mower, so I suppose our choices for transportation weren’t all that different.
I can’t remember exactly what was said, beyond “Hi, I live down the road and I thought I should come by to say hello.” I’m assuming it was at that point that Vicki, Jarad’s bustling and energetic mother came scurrying out the front door to introduce herself. Again, I don’t know how the invitations went but Jarad stopped by my house and I stopped by his, and I even took him up to the high school before classes started, just to show him around, get him his locker, and make sure he understood that he was one new kid that I wasn’t going to let fall behind with the “druggies” – I was judgmental then, but it was high school, we all were.
I offered to pick Jarad up for school on a regular basis as well, I drove by his house every morning anyway, it seemed to only make sense. It was only about a 5 minute drive to school but having Jarad there in the mornings, always seemed to make the dread of a stressful day seem a little better. I look back and can’t believe how blind I had been, this perfect boy molding into a perfect man in front of my face and I chose to only accept him as my little brother, and eventually my best friend. I suppose I was molding at the time as well, and Jarad accepted his role as little brother and we teased and fought and wrestled and cared about each other like any good platonic girl/guy relationship should.
We were involved in things together, throughout high school, but I’d never say that one of us was leading the other. I did band, he did chorus, I gave persuasive speeches, he gave humorous, I was writing fiction stories, he was researching history. Each step along the way we were growing with each other, for each other, and for a while, apart from each other.
Until Thanksgiving 2007---
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I loaded up my car and my dog and headed back to Fremont, I went to my parents house and went bar hopping with my mom, dad, sister and brother in law- by bar hopping I mean we went to two out of the selection of six different bars. I enjoyed a couple pitchers with them and about 11:30 we all went our separate ways.
I was going on to my real home town of North Bend, I was going to stay at Grandmas house so I could drive her back to Fremont for turkey on Thursday, but first I had to make a stop at the only bar in North Bend worth going to. I knew some of my old classmates would be there, and I knew one of those old classmates liked to flirt with me when we were both home over holidays, so I figured it would be an interesting hour.
To my surprise it was much more interesting than I had anticipated. Obviously, since I didn’t get to the bar till almost midnight, everyone was well primed. I talked with a few guys I went to school with, a few girls that were always sweet to me back in the day, and then… I saw Jarad. Actually, I saw Ryan first, Jarad’s partner in crime, the kind of guy who never changes, he was the kind of redneck you couldn’t help but love.
He was near the bar where I was ordering a drink and we exchanged head nods and hellos- something inside of me froze because when I saw him I realized he wouldn’t be here without Jarad and even though I had done a scan of the crowd, Jarad hadn’t jumped out to me, and I realized it was because he wasn’t the short, nervous, geeky kid I had grown up with and loved.
I didn’t pick him out of the crowd because he was older now and ridiculously attractive. He held on to the sweet charming boyish looks he always had, but complimented them with longer hair, a goatee, and well simply the look of a more established man, not a high school boy. I know he saw me, and I know I saw him, but we stalled for a bit… His friend Ryan came up to me again and asked how I was, and I answered with, “is Jarad going to talk to me? I’m nervous” – Ryan shrugged and said I shouldn’t be nervous.
I turned to talk to another person from back in the day and next time I look to my left there was Jarad and Ryan standing in our circle, I panicked again for a moment and acted as if I couldn’t leave the conversation with the other person or it would be rude, I have no idea what that other person was saying to me.
Finally, I looked at Jarad and he said something to the effect of, “What, don’t I get a hello?” – I threw my arms around him, in a one sided hug. In retrospect, it seems he withdrew a little, but still stood and chatted with me for a while, we stepped outside for some fresh air and I couldn’t stop looking at him, taking him in, and smiling, three years was too long to go with out having a conversation with your best friend.
And thirty minutes to catch up at a bar wasn’t enough either, we agreed to go “booz cruising” in his truck for a while since the bar had started to kick everyone out. Ryan, Jarad, and I loaded up in his truck, Ryan had quit drinking and so we agreed he would drive, like the gentleman that Jarad is, he gave me front seat and he and the case of beer he had, crammed into the little fold down back seats of this two door Toyota Truck.
There we were, driving through fields, bringing up old stories, laughing our heads off at all the fun times we had had, we listened to music and talked about whatever things popped into our head. It was the first time in three years I was able to have a conversation with someone and talk about anything and everything without it feeling forced, like we were searching our heads for something to talk about to avoid silence. No, this time it was us searching our heads for something to talk about because we wanted the other person to know everything there was to know and because we knew they would find it interesting or funny or both.
I knew throughout this whole cruising experience that I was happier than I had been in a long time, I knew that I wanted to be close to Jarad any way I could. Finally, we took Ryan home and Jarad and I had the chance to be alone, and to finally spill what we had been holding in for the last three years… I missed you, I love you, I can’t handle three more years without my best friend, I’ve always loved you, and god that hurt when we split. The dialogue was there, but the meaning was the same. Why aren’t we together? In the words of Jarad, Wednesday night became the beginning of a complete and honest MindF*ck.
We ended Wednesday night, or rather Thursday morning, with several innocent kisses, innocent but deadly to me… Jarad and I kissed like we had trained each other the perfect way to kiss. There are some guys that when you kiss for the first time, it’s a little awkward – you have to adjust to the way they kiss and train them to adjust to you, you have to give and take and learn when they are going to peck or open or play. It’s always been somewhat of a learning process with other guys. But with Jarad it was always perfect… we kissed like we were dancing, always in tune with the next step.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thursday was Thanksgiving Day and I spent the morning and early afternoon with my family, enjoying good food, and being entertained by my little cousins. I learned that they are extremely intelligent, a lot smarter than I was at the age of 4- at least I think. I ended up taking Grandma back home to North Bend in the early evening and in the back of my mind couldn’t help but get excited about the fact that I might get to see Jarad again since I was back in the little town. After unsuccessfully trying to nap at Grandmas house and realizing that even after only 4 or so hours of sleep, I couldn’t begin to drift off with the TV that loud. I got up, and decided to drive into the little town of North Bend..
After stopping at the “Mini Mart” and buying a pop, I text Jarad, told him I was in town and went cruising around while I waited for his response. I turned up my music and let myself go, no plans, no intentions, just drove around the little town. I went by my high school, I went by my church, my friends old houses, I cruised what we called the “figure 8” in high school, the little route that all the kids drove while trying to find their friends and find the party.
Finally, I parked at the high school, in the spot where Jarad and I always parked because we never got to school early enough to park in the good spots. I text Jarad and asked that he meet me there. He came and we sat in my car for an hour and again just went back and forth sharing our stories from the past three years and remembering all the stories we shared before that.
He needed to get back to his families thanksgiving events and he asked that I stop and say Hello, as I had done many times years ago. I used to be a part of that family, but this time it seemed a little different. Granted, I hadn’t shown my face to them in three years and things really were different, I got the feeling that they knew I had hurt Jarad once and therefore it would take a little more effort on my part, than to just show up at a family event, if I wanted back in the beautiful and loving cult that is the Chrisman family. I stayed for a cup of coffee, said my hellos and how are you’s and then decided I should go back to my own family. Jarad and I agreed we would meet up later that night in Fremont for drinks.
Current
From there, we spent time together, we went through the ups and downs of beginning a new relationship that was once an old relationship, we learned about the new things and the new people we had both become and we realized that a lot of things about each other hadn’t changed. Jarad and I dated from this point on, after a couple of months of him referring to me as his “friend” to anyone we met, I finally started joking with him and asking if someday he was going to take the next step and make me his Girlfriend, in true Jarad style he gave me the “check yes or no” option in a card on Valentine’s Day. It was very sweet, and he had already checked yes for me! I told him that even in his greeting cards he was pushy, but that I loved him anyway and it was about time we made it official. So three months of ‘dating’ and now it’s been almost 3 months of gf/bf – which to be honest although we have grown in those six months, there wasn’t much change from the first three to the last three, it was more of just a comforting thought to know that both of us were committed.
That is our ‘to be continued’ story… for those of you who might be interested or are at the very least a romantic at heart :)
Remembering the beginning….
I know it was summer when Jarad moved to the house down the road from me, I can’t remember what month or how tall the corn was at the time, but it was warm enough that my girlfriends and I would go drive around the creek in my grandparents golf cart, simply to get out of the house and so we could talk about boys in the privacy of the fields without our parents to hear us. I remember hearing that a family finally moved in the house that had rumors surrounding it. I don’t think I ever knew there were two boys in the family or how close in age they were to me, until I took the chance of going over there to introduce myself. I don’t even know that I was going to introduce myself; I think I had decided to take the drive by approach, scope it out, and look as if I was heading into town, on a golf cart…completely normal, right? Well, as I look back it was silly, but the way things unfolded was not.
I drove by the house, and saw a boy, elbow deep in the random parts of a lawn mower. He was covered in grease, and he surprisingly didn’t seemed all that shocked to see a couple of cute girls pull up on a golf cart, but then again, he was preparing to cruise around on a lawn mower, so I suppose our choices for transportation weren’t all that different.
I can’t remember exactly what was said, beyond “Hi, I live down the road and I thought I should come by to say hello.” I’m assuming it was at that point that Vicki, Jarad’s bustling and energetic mother came scurrying out the front door to introduce herself. Again, I don’t know how the invitations went but Jarad stopped by my house and I stopped by his, and I even took him up to the high school before classes started, just to show him around, get him his locker, and make sure he understood that he was one new kid that I wasn’t going to let fall behind with the “druggies” – I was judgmental then, but it was high school, we all were.
I offered to pick Jarad up for school on a regular basis as well, I drove by his house every morning anyway, it seemed to only make sense. It was only about a 5 minute drive to school but having Jarad there in the mornings, always seemed to make the dread of a stressful day seem a little better. I look back and can’t believe how blind I had been, this perfect boy molding into a perfect man in front of my face and I chose to only accept him as my little brother, and eventually my best friend. I suppose I was molding at the time as well, and Jarad accepted his role as little brother and we teased and fought and wrestled and cared about each other like any good platonic girl/guy relationship should.
We were involved in things together, throughout high school, but I’d never say that one of us was leading the other. I did band, he did chorus, I gave persuasive speeches, he gave humorous, I was writing fiction stories, he was researching history. Each step along the way we were growing with each other, for each other, and for a while, apart from each other.
Until Thanksgiving 2007---
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I loaded up my car and my dog and headed back to Fremont, I went to my parents house and went bar hopping with my mom, dad, sister and brother in law- by bar hopping I mean we went to two out of the selection of six different bars. I enjoyed a couple pitchers with them and about 11:30 we all went our separate ways.
I was going on to my real home town of North Bend, I was going to stay at Grandmas house so I could drive her back to Fremont for turkey on Thursday, but first I had to make a stop at the only bar in North Bend worth going to. I knew some of my old classmates would be there, and I knew one of those old classmates liked to flirt with me when we were both home over holidays, so I figured it would be an interesting hour.
To my surprise it was much more interesting than I had anticipated. Obviously, since I didn’t get to the bar till almost midnight, everyone was well primed. I talked with a few guys I went to school with, a few girls that were always sweet to me back in the day, and then… I saw Jarad. Actually, I saw Ryan first, Jarad’s partner in crime, the kind of guy who never changes, he was the kind of redneck you couldn’t help but love.
He was near the bar where I was ordering a drink and we exchanged head nods and hellos- something inside of me froze because when I saw him I realized he wouldn’t be here without Jarad and even though I had done a scan of the crowd, Jarad hadn’t jumped out to me, and I realized it was because he wasn’t the short, nervous, geeky kid I had grown up with and loved.
I didn’t pick him out of the crowd because he was older now and ridiculously attractive. He held on to the sweet charming boyish looks he always had, but complimented them with longer hair, a goatee, and well simply the look of a more established man, not a high school boy. I know he saw me, and I know I saw him, but we stalled for a bit… His friend Ryan came up to me again and asked how I was, and I answered with, “is Jarad going to talk to me? I’m nervous” – Ryan shrugged and said I shouldn’t be nervous.
I turned to talk to another person from back in the day and next time I look to my left there was Jarad and Ryan standing in our circle, I panicked again for a moment and acted as if I couldn’t leave the conversation with the other person or it would be rude, I have no idea what that other person was saying to me.
Finally, I looked at Jarad and he said something to the effect of, “What, don’t I get a hello?” – I threw my arms around him, in a one sided hug. In retrospect, it seems he withdrew a little, but still stood and chatted with me for a while, we stepped outside for some fresh air and I couldn’t stop looking at him, taking him in, and smiling, three years was too long to go with out having a conversation with your best friend.
And thirty minutes to catch up at a bar wasn’t enough either, we agreed to go “booz cruising” in his truck for a while since the bar had started to kick everyone out. Ryan, Jarad, and I loaded up in his truck, Ryan had quit drinking and so we agreed he would drive, like the gentleman that Jarad is, he gave me front seat and he and the case of beer he had, crammed into the little fold down back seats of this two door Toyota Truck.
There we were, driving through fields, bringing up old stories, laughing our heads off at all the fun times we had had, we listened to music and talked about whatever things popped into our head. It was the first time in three years I was able to have a conversation with someone and talk about anything and everything without it feeling forced, like we were searching our heads for something to talk about to avoid silence. No, this time it was us searching our heads for something to talk about because we wanted the other person to know everything there was to know and because we knew they would find it interesting or funny or both.
I knew throughout this whole cruising experience that I was happier than I had been in a long time, I knew that I wanted to be close to Jarad any way I could. Finally, we took Ryan home and Jarad and I had the chance to be alone, and to finally spill what we had been holding in for the last three years… I missed you, I love you, I can’t handle three more years without my best friend, I’ve always loved you, and god that hurt when we split. The dialogue was there, but the meaning was the same. Why aren’t we together? In the words of Jarad, Wednesday night became the beginning of a complete and honest MindF*ck.
We ended Wednesday night, or rather Thursday morning, with several innocent kisses, innocent but deadly to me… Jarad and I kissed like we had trained each other the perfect way to kiss. There are some guys that when you kiss for the first time, it’s a little awkward – you have to adjust to the way they kiss and train them to adjust to you, you have to give and take and learn when they are going to peck or open or play. It’s always been somewhat of a learning process with other guys. But with Jarad it was always perfect… we kissed like we were dancing, always in tune with the next step.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thursday was Thanksgiving Day and I spent the morning and early afternoon with my family, enjoying good food, and being entertained by my little cousins. I learned that they are extremely intelligent, a lot smarter than I was at the age of 4- at least I think. I ended up taking Grandma back home to North Bend in the early evening and in the back of my mind couldn’t help but get excited about the fact that I might get to see Jarad again since I was back in the little town. After unsuccessfully trying to nap at Grandmas house and realizing that even after only 4 or so hours of sleep, I couldn’t begin to drift off with the TV that loud. I got up, and decided to drive into the little town of North Bend..
After stopping at the “Mini Mart” and buying a pop, I text Jarad, told him I was in town and went cruising around while I waited for his response. I turned up my music and let myself go, no plans, no intentions, just drove around the little town. I went by my high school, I went by my church, my friends old houses, I cruised what we called the “figure 8” in high school, the little route that all the kids drove while trying to find their friends and find the party.
Finally, I parked at the high school, in the spot where Jarad and I always parked because we never got to school early enough to park in the good spots. I text Jarad and asked that he meet me there. He came and we sat in my car for an hour and again just went back and forth sharing our stories from the past three years and remembering all the stories we shared before that.
He needed to get back to his families thanksgiving events and he asked that I stop and say Hello, as I had done many times years ago. I used to be a part of that family, but this time it seemed a little different. Granted, I hadn’t shown my face to them in three years and things really were different, I got the feeling that they knew I had hurt Jarad once and therefore it would take a little more effort on my part, than to just show up at a family event, if I wanted back in the beautiful and loving cult that is the Chrisman family. I stayed for a cup of coffee, said my hellos and how are you’s and then decided I should go back to my own family. Jarad and I agreed we would meet up later that night in Fremont for drinks.
Current
From there, we spent time together, we went through the ups and downs of beginning a new relationship that was once an old relationship, we learned about the new things and the new people we had both become and we realized that a lot of things about each other hadn’t changed. Jarad and I dated from this point on, after a couple of months of him referring to me as his “friend” to anyone we met, I finally started joking with him and asking if someday he was going to take the next step and make me his Girlfriend, in true Jarad style he gave me the “check yes or no” option in a card on Valentine’s Day. It was very sweet, and he had already checked yes for me! I told him that even in his greeting cards he was pushy, but that I loved him anyway and it was about time we made it official. So three months of ‘dating’ and now it’s been almost 3 months of gf/bf – which to be honest although we have grown in those six months, there wasn’t much change from the first three to the last three, it was more of just a comforting thought to know that both of us were committed.
That is our ‘to be continued’ story… for those of you who might be interested or are at the very least a romantic at heart :)
Friday, March 14, 2008
My favorite Holiday
Hey! I haven't written in a while and I'm not sure why. Yes, I have been keeping busy at work which is the primary time I write on this thing, but also.. I've been attempting to live life instead of analyze it. Don't get me wrong, I still way over think things but it just feels like I'm living in a real relationship now, instead of questioning if or when I will get to be in love. Things are going pretty darn good, Jarad and I are still growing together but I feel like our friendship bond has come back and that's something worth waiting and fighting for. Anyway, all in all I love that guy and he pulls every emotion out of me, he is brilliant, adventurous, silly, and responsible, he pulls me back down to reality when I'm floating in a world of city lights.... and once in a while I bring him out of small town, NE - we are good for each other in this way... I will forever be a farm girl, and I want that life in my future and for the future of my family and I think Jarad feels the same way. Ultimately, we are working towards a similar goal. Ok I'll stop rambling about Jarad and I and move on to a VERY exciting subject.
ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!! It is monday, but that means this weekend is full of St. Patty day celebrations! It is usually a tradition for my bro and I and whoever else we can pick up, to head up to O'Neill, Nebraska- the Irish Capital of Nebraska. If you ever get a chance, I recommend you go at least once, it is an experience of a lifetime. This year though, my neice is going to be arriving any day so we decided it was important we stick around for babygirl Givens to arrive, I'm actually still excited for the weekend, O'Neill is fantastic, but the group that usually goes is still making plans to get together for an honorary night of St. Patty's day drunkenness in Omaha at some Irish bars. I think really I'm just excited to spend some time drinking with my family, I know that sounds weird, but I miss them.... and celebrating our Irish heritage is something that we all love and all feel passionate about. So, even if you aren't Irish... love the people out there who are and try something new... Dark beer, corn beef and cabbage, and an Irish Jig.. I guarantee you will be laughing and maybe your "Irish Eyes will be Smiling" hehe :)
ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!! It is monday, but that means this weekend is full of St. Patty day celebrations! It is usually a tradition for my bro and I and whoever else we can pick up, to head up to O'Neill, Nebraska- the Irish Capital of Nebraska. If you ever get a chance, I recommend you go at least once, it is an experience of a lifetime. This year though, my neice is going to be arriving any day so we decided it was important we stick around for babygirl Givens to arrive, I'm actually still excited for the weekend, O'Neill is fantastic, but the group that usually goes is still making plans to get together for an honorary night of St. Patty's day drunkenness in Omaha at some Irish bars. I think really I'm just excited to spend some time drinking with my family, I know that sounds weird, but I miss them.... and celebrating our Irish heritage is something that we all love and all feel passionate about. So, even if you aren't Irish... love the people out there who are and try something new... Dark beer, corn beef and cabbage, and an Irish Jig.. I guarantee you will be laughing and maybe your "Irish Eyes will be Smiling" hehe :)
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