The Issue

It feels wrong posting this right after a picture of the beautiful roses that I received. However, at this point... Jarad and I have reached a Y in the road, an issue that is extremely important to me, and one I consider to largely affect my future with the man I was already planning a future with.

I am not an independent woman. I don't mean I'm high maintainence or needy... I just mean, I have grown up seeing couples do things together. My parents are best friends, they prefer each others company over anyone elses, they are almost to an extreme of being too close, they barely have seperate friends, my Dad goes to Kiwanis events because it is important to my Mom, and my Mom goes Kiaking in the river because it is important to my Dad, they have learned to love what is important to the other and they spend A Lot of time together.

That being said, I don't know if it is the right way to be in a relationship, but it is the way I know, it is the way I see my parents happy, and it is also what makes me happy... I need a partner who is attentive, who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy... I need give and take. I cannot go my own way, make my own plans, have my own friends, and disregard if he is around or not. I like to be an actual couple, I don't like to be alone, I don't like to sit by myself, I don't like to show up at parties and events by myself, and I don't expect my friends to be my dates to these things. That is what a partner is for, I want my partner to be my best friend, I want him to look forward to seeing me as soon as he can, and I want him to share his burdons and his joys and share mine as well.

I want my partner to choose quality of life, over the fear of not having enough money. Money is always going to be an issue, and part of being an adult is learning to manage that money, but to me another, and more important, part of being an adult is putting those you care about before yourself and your money that you want for your toys. I cannot live my life with a workaholic. I will not love someone whole-heartedly who puts work on such a pedistool that nothing in the world is as important as the job. I fear for my relationship, for the decisions that will continue to be made, and I fear that I will lose the person I love because he doesn't know how to love another person equally. He knows everything else in the entire world, he can build a car from scratch, he can fix every machine ever put in front of him, I have no doubt in the intellegence of the man I love, but I worry about his abillity to open up and care for, love, and put first a wife and possible children in his future.

I suspect that Jarad will never change, and he won't ever understand the importance of loving someone more than anything in the entire world every second of every day. I hate to even mention things like this, but at this moment of dispair, I feel like the only way Jarad will ever be happy is with a woman who is so extremely independent that she will not care how often or when he is around, she will run the show, have all her own friends, her own life, and simply only expect Jarad to financially help provide for her and their kids.

I can never be that woman.

I want my best friend to be interested in me, to appreciate who I am, to be overly involved in my life, just as much as I am overly involved in his.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can even begin to make him understand. I'm not even angry anymore, I'm lost, devestated, and practically hopeless.

Birthday Roses

Yes, you don't have to tell me... He did good! I was actually really surprised when I got the roses at work, I had so many other things on my mind this last week/weekend, I didn't even think about Jarad sending flowers. The picture doesn't even do it justice, it's from my cell phone... but they are beautiful and they smell amazing.

Today is my actual birthday, I'm very fortunate to have so many people who care about me, it seems like I've been sharing my birthday with all of them all month long! My Birthday party last Saturday was perfect, I honestly do not think it could have gone any better, I loved having my family and Jarad's family together, I wasn't even nervous about it, I was a littler nervous about cooking for them all, and the food being good, but having everyone together was really special to me, and especially because they came together FOR me and of course for Jarad.

I don't know what I'll do tonight for my actual birthday, I'm not feeling 100%- I don't know if it is just allergies or if I'm fighting a bug but my throat hasn't seemed clear all day and my head is a little achy. Jarad will be coming to Omaha tonight, so I know at least we will probably go out to eat... other than that, who knows- after seeing Vicki's pictures of the Old Market it sort of made me want to go down there, just because I haven't been for a while, but then we have to fight traffic, etc. - Although, dinner at Speghetti works and a stroll downtown with the nice weather might be a pretty nice and relaxing way to spend the evening of my birthday... hmm...

On a sadder note, Please keep my sister-in-law, Missy- in your thoughts and prayers, she has been in and out of Cancer remetion for the last 3 years, and three years ago on my birthday was when She found out she had cancer, so that kind of sucks, the last update we have had was from about 3 months ago and it was that the cancer is back however it is barely if at all growing, so she wasn't going to do any chemo or anything yet, she has two adorable babies under the age of 2 and didn't need to be feeling like crap, so I guess we will see what today's diagnosis says. My brother and the two children I love most in the world need Missy, so again keep her in your prayers.

Ok, I don't want to cry at work! Plus it is my birthday, and I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to, people keep asking me how I feel about turning 23, my Mom keeps saying it like I'm 30 or something, I guess I don't feel any different... find me at 25 and if life is still exactly like it is now, maybe I'll feel a little different, but I'm happy with life as it is, as a 23 year old.... another couple years and maybe I can dig in the dirt ;)

Happy Birthday to Me! and Enjoy your Day!

In a Perfect World...

Just a slower day at work, leaving me with to much time for the wheels in my head to turn, twist, break, and rebuild.

I've got a terrible desire to be out in the country, like worse than normal, like I want to run out of work and drive straight out to corn fields, grain bins, and fresh air. I don't know why the feeling today is so extreme, but I got to thinking about what I would be doing in a perfect world, and right now I would be digging in a garden outside my home, which in a perfect world would be my Grandparents house. I wouldn't be worrying about how to pay my bills, I would be worrying about the vegetables that I need to grow in order to live off of them and give them to neighbors. I don't want to spend money on fast food anymore, I want to have chickens for eggs, and a garden for vegetables, why not have a cow every year and keep a freezer full of meat? I just think about all the ways I want to live off of my own hard work...

Every Morning when I get just a taste of that fresh morning air, all I can think about is being outside all morning... Doing something on my little farm to provide for myself and the people I love.

It is official, I am supposed to be out in the country, the city life is cramping my style... I appreciate the opportunities and the things I've learned, but now I just count down the days until I can breathe fresh air again.

Ok bear with me as I travel even deeper into dreamy dream land...

I think about how much I love my grandparents house, and how the land it is on has been in my family for over 110 years, I think my Grandma and I figured 117 last time we checked. My Grandpa's parents built a house and lived there, then my Grandma and Grandpa, then my parents right down the road, I want to keep that land and I want to plant my own memories there. I think about how perfect that place would be for me and .... "My signifigant other" ( I don't want to sound too crazy in planning who my husband will be, but I'm quite sure you can guess who is in my farm fantasy)

There is so much room, there are big yards, big trees, big buildings for all the big projects you know who is always working on. There is history and there is work to be done.

So here is a thought that crosses my mind... I talk myself out of it, but it always comes back.

My Grandma is out on that farm by herself right now, and while we would all like to assume that she will be ok by herself, I often wonder why I'm not there with her, they pay someone to drive her around and everyone knows I would gladly do that, there is SO much I could learn from her, I could learn to plant my garden with her supervision, I could try to work part time too, and I could have time to write... write and write and write... being in the country has always inspired words to come to me easier... less distraction, less noise.. Obviously I would need to work to continue to pay off medical bills, etc... but if I didn't have to pay rent it would save a lot. What keeps me from starting this dream?

WHY CAN'T I BE IN JEANS, T-SHIRT, AND A BASEBALL CAP, DIGGING IN THE DIRT RIGHT NOW?