The Issue

It feels wrong posting this right after a picture of the beautiful roses that I received. However, at this point... Jarad and I have reached a Y in the road, an issue that is extremely important to me, and one I consider to largely affect my future with the man I was already planning a future with.

I am not an independent woman. I don't mean I'm high maintainence or needy... I just mean, I have grown up seeing couples do things together. My parents are best friends, they prefer each others company over anyone elses, they are almost to an extreme of being too close, they barely have seperate friends, my Dad goes to Kiwanis events because it is important to my Mom, and my Mom goes Kiaking in the river because it is important to my Dad, they have learned to love what is important to the other and they spend A Lot of time together.

That being said, I don't know if it is the right way to be in a relationship, but it is the way I know, it is the way I see my parents happy, and it is also what makes me happy... I need a partner who is attentive, who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy... I need give and take. I cannot go my own way, make my own plans, have my own friends, and disregard if he is around or not. I like to be an actual couple, I don't like to be alone, I don't like to sit by myself, I don't like to show up at parties and events by myself, and I don't expect my friends to be my dates to these things. That is what a partner is for, I want my partner to be my best friend, I want him to look forward to seeing me as soon as he can, and I want him to share his burdons and his joys and share mine as well.

I want my partner to choose quality of life, over the fear of not having enough money. Money is always going to be an issue, and part of being an adult is learning to manage that money, but to me another, and more important, part of being an adult is putting those you care about before yourself and your money that you want for your toys. I cannot live my life with a workaholic. I will not love someone whole-heartedly who puts work on such a pedistool that nothing in the world is as important as the job. I fear for my relationship, for the decisions that will continue to be made, and I fear that I will lose the person I love because he doesn't know how to love another person equally. He knows everything else in the entire world, he can build a car from scratch, he can fix every machine ever put in front of him, I have no doubt in the intellegence of the man I love, but I worry about his abillity to open up and care for, love, and put first a wife and possible children in his future.

I suspect that Jarad will never change, and he won't ever understand the importance of loving someone more than anything in the entire world every second of every day. I hate to even mention things like this, but at this moment of dispair, I feel like the only way Jarad will ever be happy is with a woman who is so extremely independent that she will not care how often or when he is around, she will run the show, have all her own friends, her own life, and simply only expect Jarad to financially help provide for her and their kids.

I can never be that woman.

I want my best friend to be interested in me, to appreciate who I am, to be overly involved in my life, just as much as I am overly involved in his.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can even begin to make him understand. I'm not even angry anymore, I'm lost, devestated, and practically hopeless.