It can only get better...

Well yesterday I said that I had hit rock bottom, which could only mean that it can't get any worse... I think I was right. Last night was a much better night and today still getting better. Today this quote came across my desk and it gave me a little more insight...

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

I'm attempting to do this with the chapter of my life that involved Jarad, I want to appreciate it, be thankful for it, close it, and step forward in an attempt to have something that is even better than my relationship with Jarad. Again, it is difficult for me to accept that that relationship is out there... when I was loving the 'current situation' so much. Yet, it seems important that I look forward, we are pretty much going on day three of Jarad's strike against me. He's hard to accept that he doesn't even care that I'm ok. Not a text, not an e-mail, not a call. I could of been dead in a ditch somewhere Tuesday morning, and he wouldn't know or care. I guess everyone handles love differently... I accepted it, he has flushed it. It's not really that I'm mad at him, just hurt and having a hard time believing that he flipped the switch that quickly. On Tuesday, August 26th... he loved me. On Sunday, August 30th he stopped.

I just don't have that kind of heart.

Anyway, back on my attempts to be positive, I've talked to my bosses and they've agreed to let me work more hours in a week and build up more vacation. I explained to them that there wasn't a lot for me to go home to, my best friend is out of town, my boyfriend dumped me, and my friends mostly work evenings... so- I'm now for sure working at least an extra 4 hours this week and next week. That gives me another day off, or an afternoon, or basically whenever I want to use it, as long as I get the ok by them.


On a seperate note, I'm back to using this blog as my journal.. all the things I need to talk about will be said on here. I don't care who you are, if you read it, if you don't, why you read it, or why you don't. This is for me, don't waste your time wondering if I'm intentionally writing anything for anyone to read, because I'm not. This is my space and I like to read my feelings, it helps me get grasp on reality, I'm sorry if you don't like it, I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way, or if you do, I don't care if you feel sorry for me, or if you think I'm crazy. I like to write about my emotions and this is where I do it.

Enjoy your day, and remember - give thanks and work towards a better situation.

Hmmm

My Horoscope today says:
LEO (July 23-Aug 22) You will drive your emotional partner crazy today. Try not to jump to conclusions. Don't let your mate bully you into thinking that you owe them your time and your life.

I'm not sure what to make of this... I mean.. Yes, if we were to consider Jarad my partner, I probably am driving him crazy.

I am trying not to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love me, but it's very difficult when he ignores me 100%, but again maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

Jarad has never bullied me into thinking anything, yet... I WANT to give him my time and my life... I don't know.. just thought it was an interesting horoscope for the miserable way I was feeling today.

Hmmmmm, in my world, a lack of communication can create mountains out of mole hills.

Broken

I just wanted to share the irony of me using Jarad's eye drops that he left in my purse, to cure the burning feeling in my eyes from sobbing myself to sleep last night. I just have this terrible sinking sensation that it is actually over, I guess it just kind of hit me last night and man.. did it hit me hard. It's all over. Everything I ever planned for us to do someday, everything that I imagined we would become, everything from our past, present, and future. It's over. I keep thinking that if I type that a few more times it will help me accept it, at this point, I'm very broken.. my life, my heart... all broken... I don't know how to accept it.

The hardest part is knowing that he already has, he has his friends... sitting in that basement every night, keeping him from facing the reality of what it really is. Meanwhile, I have burned too many bridges by staying in Fremont so often, that it's nearly impossibl to just fit back into the routines of my friends, plus most of my friends are in relationships and I have now become a third wheel. All my single friends, are Jarad's friends, therefore... I'm off limits for the time being. So- not only am I broken... I'm lonely and broken.

I hate to sound so negative, so depressed. But for the first time EVER in my life, I know what depression feels like... I know the feeling of thinking that you are pathetic, alone, and unloveable. I know the feeling of being afraid to even talk to your family because they won't understand, they will think you are crazy for feeling so broken over one man.

It's over. I've hit the bottom, so I suppose it can only get better from here... at least.. I hope.

Another Day

An Adorable picture, here's hoping that it's not the last one in the Jarad & Katy Story :(

Talk about inserting foot into mouth... I never ever ever thought that the worries I had on Wednesday, from an argument had on Tuesday, would lead to me being a single chic on Monday. My stomach hasn't stopped turning circles, my heart hasn't stopped beating out of my chest, sleeping and eating are things I have to force myself to do, and it's all because of something that I never should have been worrying about in the first place.

I'm not ready to get married now or anytime in the near future, I'm ready to love Jarad and have fun with him.. just like we have been doing- why I put the pressure of planning that far in the future on myself and on him, I'll never know, but I do know it was a mistake and now he has decided he can't ever make me happy. Which is beyond rediculous, he has ALWAYS made me happy... I just worried about stupid things, and I'll forever regret it. I just keep hoping that if I'm patient (which I'm terrible at) and if I try my hardest to be in his life as a friend for now, if it's what makes him happy, then maybe someday he'll realize what I have... we ARE best friends, we DO do things together, he is ATTENTIVE to what I say and think, we will NEVER be my parents and I'm so glad, because we will be better, he makes me a better person.

(SIGH) I'm so frustrated with myself and this whole situation, why is it so hard for two people to love each other?

The other thing is, is that I have learned some things during this "break" that Jarad and I are taking, have taken... I'm not really sure- but I've learned that I can do things with my friends without him and I can have a fantastic time, I've learned that I can be at my apartment by myself and enjoy it there without him, I agree when he says things were uncomfortably serious, and I've already made changes in my life to fix those stresses that we were putting on each other. I just hope he will realize all of this, before it is too late. Before someone else snatches him up, because he is an amazing person, or before someone attempts to steal my heart again because I am an amazing person. I know at this point some people would say, leave it up to fate.. I'll try, I've prayed about this, I've prayed about us and our present, and our future. I'm just not so great at being patient...

I want to change, because I believe that changes represent knowledge and the ability to learn and grow. I do not consider changing for someone a bad thing, I believe we will need to change and grow, for and with, each other... I just keep praying we get this opportunity.

The Solution

Don't take the people you love for granted. Have fun, be in love and stop worrying about a future you are not ready for. The issue becomes completely unimportant when the person you are in love with is no longer in the picture. Communication will help with the little things. Realizing that you can't live without someone will help with what I once considered an issue... I can only hope and pray now that he will see things in my light.

The Issue

It feels wrong posting this right after a picture of the beautiful roses that I received. However, at this point... Jarad and I have reached a Y in the road, an issue that is extremely important to me, and one I consider to largely affect my future with the man I was already planning a future with.

I am not an independent woman. I don't mean I'm high maintainence or needy... I just mean, I have grown up seeing couples do things together. My parents are best friends, they prefer each others company over anyone elses, they are almost to an extreme of being too close, they barely have seperate friends, my Dad goes to Kiwanis events because it is important to my Mom, and my Mom goes Kiaking in the river because it is important to my Dad, they have learned to love what is important to the other and they spend A Lot of time together.

That being said, I don't know if it is the right way to be in a relationship, but it is the way I know, it is the way I see my parents happy, and it is also what makes me happy... I need a partner who is attentive, who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy... I need give and take. I cannot go my own way, make my own plans, have my own friends, and disregard if he is around or not. I like to be an actual couple, I don't like to be alone, I don't like to sit by myself, I don't like to show up at parties and events by myself, and I don't expect my friends to be my dates to these things. That is what a partner is for, I want my partner to be my best friend, I want him to look forward to seeing me as soon as he can, and I want him to share his burdons and his joys and share mine as well.

I want my partner to choose quality of life, over the fear of not having enough money. Money is always going to be an issue, and part of being an adult is learning to manage that money, but to me another, and more important, part of being an adult is putting those you care about before yourself and your money that you want for your toys. I cannot live my life with a workaholic. I will not love someone whole-heartedly who puts work on such a pedistool that nothing in the world is as important as the job. I fear for my relationship, for the decisions that will continue to be made, and I fear that I will lose the person I love because he doesn't know how to love another person equally. He knows everything else in the entire world, he can build a car from scratch, he can fix every machine ever put in front of him, I have no doubt in the intellegence of the man I love, but I worry about his abillity to open up and care for, love, and put first a wife and possible children in his future.

I suspect that Jarad will never change, and he won't ever understand the importance of loving someone more than anything in the entire world every second of every day. I hate to even mention things like this, but at this moment of dispair, I feel like the only way Jarad will ever be happy is with a woman who is so extremely independent that she will not care how often or when he is around, she will run the show, have all her own friends, her own life, and simply only expect Jarad to financially help provide for her and their kids.

I can never be that woman.

I want my best friend to be interested in me, to appreciate who I am, to be overly involved in my life, just as much as I am overly involved in his.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can even begin to make him understand. I'm not even angry anymore, I'm lost, devestated, and practically hopeless.

Birthday Roses

Yes, you don't have to tell me... He did good! I was actually really surprised when I got the roses at work, I had so many other things on my mind this last week/weekend, I didn't even think about Jarad sending flowers. The picture doesn't even do it justice, it's from my cell phone... but they are beautiful and they smell amazing.

Today is my actual birthday, I'm very fortunate to have so many people who care about me, it seems like I've been sharing my birthday with all of them all month long! My Birthday party last Saturday was perfect, I honestly do not think it could have gone any better, I loved having my family and Jarad's family together, I wasn't even nervous about it, I was a littler nervous about cooking for them all, and the food being good, but having everyone together was really special to me, and especially because they came together FOR me and of course for Jarad.

I don't know what I'll do tonight for my actual birthday, I'm not feeling 100%- I don't know if it is just allergies or if I'm fighting a bug but my throat hasn't seemed clear all day and my head is a little achy. Jarad will be coming to Omaha tonight, so I know at least we will probably go out to eat... other than that, who knows- after seeing Vicki's pictures of the Old Market it sort of made me want to go down there, just because I haven't been for a while, but then we have to fight traffic, etc. - Although, dinner at Speghetti works and a stroll downtown with the nice weather might be a pretty nice and relaxing way to spend the evening of my birthday... hmm...

On a sadder note, Please keep my sister-in-law, Missy- in your thoughts and prayers, she has been in and out of Cancer remetion for the last 3 years, and three years ago on my birthday was when She found out she had cancer, so that kind of sucks, the last update we have had was from about 3 months ago and it was that the cancer is back however it is barely if at all growing, so she wasn't going to do any chemo or anything yet, she has two adorable babies under the age of 2 and didn't need to be feeling like crap, so I guess we will see what today's diagnosis says. My brother and the two children I love most in the world need Missy, so again keep her in your prayers.

Ok, I don't want to cry at work! Plus it is my birthday, and I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to, people keep asking me how I feel about turning 23, my Mom keeps saying it like I'm 30 or something, I guess I don't feel any different... find me at 25 and if life is still exactly like it is now, maybe I'll feel a little different, but I'm happy with life as it is, as a 23 year old.... another couple years and maybe I can dig in the dirt ;)

Happy Birthday to Me! and Enjoy your Day!