Broken

I just wanted to share the irony of me using Jarad's eye drops that he left in my purse, to cure the burning feeling in my eyes from sobbing myself to sleep last night. I just have this terrible sinking sensation that it is actually over, I guess it just kind of hit me last night and man.. did it hit me hard. It's all over. Everything I ever planned for us to do someday, everything that I imagined we would become, everything from our past, present, and future. It's over. I keep thinking that if I type that a few more times it will help me accept it, at this point, I'm very broken.. my life, my heart... all broken... I don't know how to accept it.

The hardest part is knowing that he already has, he has his friends... sitting in that basement every night, keeping him from facing the reality of what it really is. Meanwhile, I have burned too many bridges by staying in Fremont so often, that it's nearly impossibl to just fit back into the routines of my friends, plus most of my friends are in relationships and I have now become a third wheel. All my single friends, are Jarad's friends, therefore... I'm off limits for the time being. So- not only am I broken... I'm lonely and broken.

I hate to sound so negative, so depressed. But for the first time EVER in my life, I know what depression feels like... I know the feeling of thinking that you are pathetic, alone, and unloveable. I know the feeling of being afraid to even talk to your family because they won't understand, they will think you are crazy for feeling so broken over one man.

It's over. I've hit the bottom, so I suppose it can only get better from here... at least.. I hope.