Talk about inserting foot into mouth... I never ever ever thought that the worries I had on Wednesday, from an argument had on Tuesday, would lead to me being a single chic on Monday. My stomach hasn't stopped turning circles, my heart hasn't stopped beating out of my chest, sleeping and eating are things I have to force myself to do, and it's all because of something that I never should have been worrying about in the first place.
I'm not ready to get married now or anytime in the near future, I'm ready to love Jarad and have fun with him.. just like we have been doing- why I put the pressure of planning that far in the future on myself and on him, I'll never know, but I do know it was a mistake and now he has decided he can't ever make me happy. Which is beyond rediculous, he has ALWAYS made me happy... I just worried about stupid things, and I'll forever regret it. I just keep hoping that if I'm patient (which I'm terrible at) and if I try my hardest to be in his life as a friend for now, if it's what makes him happy, then maybe someday he'll realize what I have... we ARE best friends, we DO do things together, he is ATTENTIVE to what I say and think, we will NEVER be my parents and I'm so glad, because we will be better, he makes me a better person.
(SIGH) I'm so frustrated with myself and this whole situation, why is it so hard for two people to love each other?
The other thing is, is that I have learned some things during this "break" that Jarad and I are taking, have taken... I'm not really sure- but I've learned that I can do things with my friends without him and I can have a fantastic time, I've learned that I can be at my apartment by myself and enjoy it there without him, I agree when he says things were uncomfortably serious, and I've already made changes in my life to fix those stresses that we were putting on each other. I just hope he will realize all of this, before it is too late. Before someone else snatches him up, because he is an amazing person, or before someone attempts to steal my heart again because I am an amazing person. I know at this point some people would say, leave it up to fate.. I'll try, I've prayed about this, I've prayed about us and our present, and our future. I'm just not so great at being patient...
I want to change, because I believe that changes represent knowledge and the ability to learn and grow. I do not consider changing for someone a bad thing, I believe we will need to change and grow, for and with, each other... I just keep praying we get this opportunity.
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