I couldn't bring myself to write on here for a while, I was definately sorting through some thoughts.. but often they were negative and I'm not one to write or share negative thoughts about myself or about others all that often. So I withheld until I knew that I could be more logical and less emotional... when that finally happened, a whirlwind of business happend at work. If you watch the news and/or stock market at all you will have heard about all the crazyness that was happening to a company that is basically just like the one I work for. Luckily, my company is doing very well in this crazy financial time, but our clients were panicked, and the agents were busy, which in turn meant a lot of things got put on me and man was I swamped at work, honestly probably the busiest consecutive three days of my 2 year career at AXA. Finally, things have calmed down. I've gotten caught up and I figured.. what the hell... time to write again.
I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I've discovered a lot of things about myself in the past couple of weeks, and yes one of them is that I miss Jarad, I miss our crazy ideas, our lazy moments, our big projects, our random road trips, our nights with the band, our nights in the Cellar, our nights on the patio, our trips in the jeep, our dinners with family, the look in his eye when he was looking at me- that I could only catch once in a great moon but made me feel like a star. I miss him. I don't know what that means for us, I don't know now that we are perfect for each other, I think we jumped, or Ok I jumped ahead a little too far. I worry about him, I worry about him being happy in every way possible, I just don't know if me in his life will create happiness or more stress.. I just don't know. I don't even know if it's an option, I don't know that he'll ever reconsider the notion of us, but I think deep down we both consider it at some point every day, for me there is always a moment... something that reminds me of him, a song on the radio, a jeep driving by, a restaurant, a tv show, everyday I catch my breath just for a moment and I get wrapped up in him. Some days are worse than others, but in general I think about him every day.
However, this time when I think about him, it's not with the urgency I had before. It seemed like when we were dating I assumed that if I wasn't with him in person, then I wasn't with him in his heart. I was wrong about that, he has made that clear... as I have said before, if someone ever says I won't wait for you, or I will wait for you, I've decided that they must be confused... because for me it's not about waiting, it's about a feeling that won't ever go away.
I can hope and wish and plan to act on that feeling or I can sit on it and decide that the feeling does not benefit the person I care for. I don't know yet what this feeling will bring or how I will act on it.... but it's still there.
On a seperate note, (and I'm hoping you won't read this until I have this discussion with you, but if you do... at least you know that my words are written out of respect and love). I now know without a shadow of a doubt that you can love someone as a friend, but not be in love with them. You can want to be in love with them, you can tell yourself its the best thing for you, and it may be the best thing, the best relationship, the best person in the entire world, but you cannot force yourself to be IN love with them, you can't force yourself to be passionate, you can't force yourself to be wrapped up in someone, you can love them and care for them and want nothing but the best for them, but you cannot make yourself their lover, their one and only, you can't do it. Or at least, I can't do it. I believe there are some people in your life who will always be in your life, who you will always care about, who you will always want the best for, but they just may not be the one you are destined to be with. I'm a passionate person and if I can't find or create passion for the one person who treats me like a princess then it's just not going to happen. It's hard to accept, even for me, but the more I try the more I know it is wrong.
Why do we choose difficult paths for ourselves? Why do I choose the road less traveled? Sometimes I like to tell myself that because I'm so intelligent I choose to challenge myself in my relationships and if it isn't a bit challenging then there isn't anything to it and it's time to move on.
Jarad was, is, and always will be... a challenge. The question is, how long can I handle a challenge? Will I always choose a challenge? In 10 years am I still going to pick the road less traveled? I don't know, I don't know how anyone CAN know... committments are scary. ;)
How do you tell someone that you consider your best best best friend, something that is going to break their heart? How do you tell someone that is your best friend and your lover that they can trust you, that your other best friend is simply that and is in no way a threat to them? Why do the people that I care about have to be such a challenge to each other? Sigh- questions that will forever go unanswered I suppose.
My advice for today is take a step back at your relationships, understand which ones are JUST friends, which ones are JUST for Lust, and which One you love for each of those things and more.
Adios Amigos
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