BLAH

Today kind of really sucks. First of all, I do not feel well, I didn't get much sleep, Jarad is pissed at me for no good reason, and the day is DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGING on.

I'm going to write this on here, in the slight chance that Jarad might read it, I have nothing to hide, He text me on tuesday asking me to send a tshirt he apparently left at my apartment, he said he would pay me for shipping, I said you don't have to pay me because I'll just send it from work, and he said that would be awesome thanks, I said no problem. End of conversation, first time I've talked to him since he left, I didn't tell Jarad on Tuesday because I forgot it even happened, and I haven't sent the t-shirt yet because I haven't been home to even look for it, and in fact I probably would have even forgot to send it, if Jarad hadn't gone through my phone and got upset about something he didn't understand. The reason I deleted my other messages is because my inbox gets full very quickly, not because I get or send a lot of messages but because I save the ones that Jarad sends me that are sweet or important to me, therefore I don't have a lot of space and I have to delete my messages often.

Big drama for no good reason. Of course, Jarad isn't going to believe me, he never does and probably never will, and I don't know how to fix that, if he could just trust me, then he wouldn't have gotten so upset last night, but he doesn't and it breaks my heart.

However, I'm sure if I wouldn't have been drinking yesterday, I would have been able to explain that, I seriously am going to quit for a while, I hate the bull shit that seems to follow me when I drink too much. Ugh.

So now, I sit here and worry... because I have no idea what is going thru his head, but I'm kind of annoyed with the way it was handled, at the same time, it feels like Jarad could up and walk out of my life at any given moment, why does it seem like I'm holding my breath so often with that boy? I can only hope that we find each other on that gravel road again.

I love him, it's messy, it's scary, it keeps me up all night, but I haven't ever felt this way for anyone, so he's worth it, he is important, he is Jarad and I love him.