It's getting old...

You know, sometimes people do things to intentionally hurt you, and it seems like after they do it enough, you start to become numb. I feel like I'm becoming numb again, I'm building a wall to block the pain because that is what I'm being forced to do. Everyone deserves to love someone who loves them back.

Ok, I'm not going to dwell, I'm attempting to stay positive, he can't ignore me forever, eventually he has to step up to the plate like an adult and discuss whatever it is that is going on in his head- and I suppose if he doesn't, then I don't know...

Anyway, The Office was on last night and it was HILARIOUS, seriously probably one of the funniest yet this year. We have been quoting from it at work all morning, and I can't stop laughing... a lot of quotable lines that is for sure. It's interesting because I could even relate to some of the characters in their qwest for love and the battles they were facing. Although we all want to be the happy new love couple that is Holly and Michael, it's never that simple and as much as I hate to say it, they are destined for trouble, rumor has it that Holly is only a temporary character and will only be on a few more epidsodes. Bummer, she portrayed the female version of Michael Scott SO well.

Anyway, work has been great today, I've gotten everything done, and I've gotten in some quality bonding time with my coworkers, sometimes I feel like work is the only thing that is actually a constant in my life, even bad days at work, are nothing compared to the drama I face with everything else in my life. My bosses support me 100%, my coworkers care about my well being, and I work khard for my company because of this, even when I have long days... I still love my job and the people I'm surrounded by. Sometimes I wish I could just stay at work all the time, at least when I'm here, I feel confident about who I am and what I do.

Sometimes a person has to ask themselves.. what am I willing to deal with and what am I not willing to put up with. Well, I've come closer to being strong enough to realize and to state quite clearly, that I will not put up with being ignored. I think it is disrespectful, I think it is immature, and I think that if you want time to think, a space, then at least have the courtesy to tell me that, take time to be mad, take time to think things thru, but I cannot tolerate "the silent treatment" - I will tolerate a lot, I will always forgive, but eventually, if this behavior of ignoring me continues, I will walk away, and when the decision is made to stop ignoring me, I won't be there anymore. Drama doesn't just happen to people, they create it.

Damnit, I'm back on that again... anyway- My friend Michael stopped by my apartment last night and chatted for a while, I love that guy... he is very good and listening and giving advice- he is good at being objective, not passing judgement on anyone, but still telling you what you need to hear. He is very very loyal to his friends and therefore he hardly ever has time for himself, or for his own relationships, someday I know he'll find someone that will treat him as lovingly as he treats everyone and they will be happy together, for his sake I hope it's sooner than later.

He and I decided that we have problems, opposite problems but problems all the same- I want to be in a relationship, I feel a need to have someone to love, he on the other hand runs from relationships and he has a need to keep everyone at a distance. If only we could trade a little of each of these so we could find ourselves more balanced. If only... the magical words that dreamers use.

I am a dreamer that is for sure, take it or leave it, I can come up with a lot of ideas, pick them all apart, try to use them, throw them out the window, I will dream till I can't even see clearly, I have big ideas and little ideas and I want to put them all into play as quickly as possible... which never works.

I'm a beautiful person, I care about the people I love, I will always put them first, I'm silly, I'm a tom boy, I'm sexy, I'm determined, and I'm passionate about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness, I'm a talented writer, and an intellegent and hardworking woman. I'm not cocky, I have a lot of insecurities, my capacity to care for everyone can cause problems, and my ability to be in love with only one person, also seems to cause me problems. The bottom line is this... I'm a good person, who is currently beating herself up for no reason, all because on amazing man is ignoring her. I man who can make or break me, I'm a beautiful person who is about to break.