Communication.

I never thought that keeping the person you love up to date on day to day happenings would be difficult. Well actually, I still don't think it is difficult, for me. For Jarad on the other hand, seems to be an impossible task. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never be important enough to be a part of his world, the Jarad world, where he is the only citizen.

To clarify, I love him, I'll always love him, this frustration is simply that, a frustration, it's not earth shattering, it doesn't make me question our relationship or our future. I just want to better understand the workings of how and why he communicates the way he does.

A simple text could have prevented the whole thing, I sent him a message saying what I was doing and he could have sent me one back, instead I didn't hear from him till 11pm when he was going to bed. I talked about him the whole night, I felt bad for him because I thought he was hard at work, I don't know- I'm not asking for the world.. just a little respect for my feelings.

I know that I have a hard time being alone, but last night I had a great night with my roomate and friends, I have no problem doing that more, if Jarad wants guy night, or truck night, or sit at home and watch pointless tv by myself night, I don't care what it is.. if he wants a night away from me, I can be More than ok with that... as long as he communicates with me, a couple text messages maybe a call before bed or at least in the evening to talk about our day, I just sometimes still get that "out of sight, out of mind" feeling from him.

Again, I don't want to sound like my life is terrible and I'm a big whiner... My life is fantastic, I love Jarad, but no one is perfect, and sometimes when I'm frustrated and I write about it, it is easier for me to re-read what I'm frustrated about and think about it objectively and/or find a solution.

I want to have an adult one on one coversation with my sweet sweet Jarad, I hope that we can explain to each other what we do and why we do it and hopefully come to an understanding of the communication problem. I know that both Jarad and I are capable of having these productive talks, it's just a matter of making sure he is in the right frame of mind and sometimes that is not as easy as it sounds. Any chain of events can flip the switch with him and there is no point in trying to have a productive conversation with him if he has had a bad day, in a bad mood, or tired....

The other slight situation I'm throwing around in my head has to do with "family dinners" which in the Chrisman family are frequent and important. I love those family dinners.. but I apparently am not yet invited back to attend them... that part doesn't really bother me, I understand that I am not part of the family, and especially with all the drama of the last month and a half, there just hasn't been quite enough time for everything to settle.

The problem arose when Jarad told me about the dinner in excitement for mash potatoes and then said, "you could come" - I don't know how to take that... and I told him I was going to "crash" the dinner, if Vicki told him it was ok to invite me that is one thing, or if he told her he would like me to come that would be fine too, but considering that "you could come" is neither an invitation or a request... I didn't feel comfortable with it, maybe.. no probably.. I'm making a big deal over nothing... but here is the second half of why this bothers me... I decided that it wasn't a big deal, that I would be happy to go and if Jarad wanted me to go then I would, regardless of how he asked me or if he told his Mom, so yesterday I assumed I would probabaly go.. and then last night he told me he would "just come to Omaha after dinner." Which then to me means, "you are not invited to dinner" but I'm realizing to Jarad he probably thought he was making me happy because he was actually going to come to my apartment instead of me always going to his house. Ugh... communication mishap #9,823,749,832,729,852,985,729,845,438,957,389,453,749,853,479,843,538,939,485,739,845 and counting....

So now what? In simple terms- My feelings are kind of hurt because I was invited and then uninvited, and I was ignored for most of the night last night.

Do I suck it up and go on like everything is fine? I mean this isn't kindercare, Jarad isn't going to go in time out for hurting my feelings, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. BUT - how many times will it happen again in the future? How many of my feelings will hurt until they all just break? That is what I want to avoid, a major meltdown caused by too many little drips in the pipes. Then again, how many little drips should I fix? You know everyone always says you have to pick your battles and I think I'm typically pretty good at picking the important ones... this time I'm just not sure.

Ok, so at this point, I've re-read this about three times and everytime it seems more and more trivial, I've decided a coversation will have to be had between Jarad and I, however it can and will be short, not an arguement, not even a bunch of apologies, a short explination of how I felt and why, and hope that it enlightens him and prevents future broken feelings.

Gosh, I love that guy, I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love someone....