Monophobia - Fear of being alone

Yes, I truely believe I have a disorder... I don't know where it stems from exactly- but I really do have panic attacks when I'm ignored and left alone. If I can have the comfort that I could reach out to Jarad and he would answer, I would probably be less anxious... but he has chosen to take the position that ignoring me will reduce his stress. Thus sending me into a frenzy. I'm not blaming Jarad for my issues, because I clearly do have issues, and I am seriously considering professional help, but the way the situation is currently being addressed is wounding me.

Ok, so I don't know what my problem is... but there isn't enough coffee in the world to make me stop yawning this morning, I slept ok, but I did NOT want to get out of bed, it was warm and comfy and my room was cold and dark, the perfect ingredients for sleep.. lol

I am attempting to create hobbies for myself, I want to be active and have things to do with other people, I don't know how to be alone and somewhere along the road I lost my ability to be independent, I'm outgoing and more than capable of completing things on my own, it's just that feeling of abandonment, the idea that someone can turn away from me so easily, can take me out of their world and not look back, it scares the crap out of me...

So I'm writing this blog throughout the day today, I just minimize the window do some other work and then come back to it, so if it seems scattered that's because it is.

I'd like to just chalk last night up to "an off night" - one of the many challenges that will come to face Jarad and I on our road to recovery. The problem is that I worry that Jarad chalks it up to another reason he shouldn't be with me. I need to have faith in us, and I don't know why I'm so convinced that he is going to up and leave me. He cares for me and I care for him, we have made that clear on more than one occasion, we are ok, and I just need to keep telling myself that. We are going to be Ok... Why does Jarad make me lose my confidence? He is the only person who has ever been able to shake me up so much... To me, that means something.

Soooooooo, what else? I'm going to start studying to get my insurance license, and I'm going to be working a few extra hours, and I'm going to (once again) focus on myself, finding myself, finding out who I am in order to be a better person, a better friend, and a better girlfriend to Jarad... if he'll keep me. I'm looking into volleyball leagues, working out, roomate night, I'm buying new books, and pushing myself to write more or at least studying techniques to fight writers block, I'm scheduling time for Chloe at the dog park, and nights with my family, even small group nights at church, I'm trying to become whole, so that my whole self and Jarad's whole self can become whole together.

It's just not easy to realize that you have spent most of your life being someone else's half... and not even anyone particular, I jumped from one person to the next leaning on them to entertain me, make me happy, and show me things THEY liked... it was easy and I learned a lot... but now it is time for me to become, well, Me.

The thing is... I still think that Jarad is a big part of my life, and will always be a big part of my life, I want a future with him... I just don't know if he can face these challenges with me right now, and again that scares the crap out of me...

I've been busy now for a while and I can't/don't want to remember what I was talking about, so I'm going to publish this post for now, chances are- I may be back.