Life as a 12 Step Program

I once referred to Jarad as a "12 Step Program" - at the time I said we were only on step 3 and I was obviously meaning this as a joke.. but the more I thought about it, the more I applied a 12 step program to my life in general, and I realized how it helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, there are probably A LOT more than 12 steps in my "Life Program" but we'll start there for now.. haha - On a happy note, I would move Jarad and I up to about step 9 now... I am still working on being more confident in myself, but it seems like he is starting to respond to me again, nothing happens overnight, but I'm feeling a lot more confident in the whole thing...

It amazes me how sometimes the littlest things can mean so much, just a few words can let you know that you really matter. I know that when I type out the words, no one will find them as special as I do, but I want to write them anyway, because I want to remember... "I'm just happy My Kate is here..." He didn't know how special that made me feel, and maybe I should have done more to tell him or show him, but I think just the comfort of being next to each other was what he needed at that moment and I wanted nothing else, in fact I felt like I would never need anything else but that sweet boy and his hand on my side as we laid next to each other.

It is kind of amazing the way we reverse roles, sometimes I feel like I look up to him, he is so impressive and so smart and so responsible, I'm amazed and envious of him and I want to work hard and learn from all the things that he is so good at, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him like that, but once in a while - that oh so impressive man just needs a little TLC, and all of a sudden he reaches for me.. almost like he is reaching for a gasp of air out of water... like he just needs to hold on for a minute and maybe I can be the solid structure in his world that won't spin. I want to be that structure, I want to be that more than anything and vice versa- I want to be able to reach for him and hold on for dear life when things seem to spin. I feel like someday we will reach that point.

I feel like, we have always been meant to help each other and find that point together, we just had to spin alone and now we have to spin together for a while first.

That isn't to say that we don't still have obstacles, I know for a fact that while we have started perfecting "Jarad and Kate" - we still have to work on the outside world... my family, his family, my friends, his friends- in a perfect world... everyone who loves me would love him and everyone who loves him would love me. Well, HA We all know it's not a perfect world. Here's hoping that at least the people who truely matter can look past our previous issues. I mean, no one is perfect, I've attempted to make my apologies where apologies were required, and now it's a matter of time and forgivness, I suppose.

I feel terrible that Jarad has had so much stress put on him from so many directions. I have attempted to stop the stress from my end, but there is only so much I can do, but when I look at him and I see him so exhausted and moody it breaks my heart, I would do anything to fix every problem for Jarad, even the little tiny ones, I just want him to be as happy as possible.

Anyway, it's a rollarcoaster right now, I approach every night with an open mind because I have no idea what his mood might be, what he might need or not need, and if that includes me. Again, to avoid stress as much as possible, I leave the opportunity open for him, he can reach out to me as needed and you know I always hope he does, but if/when the time comes that he needs me to back off for the evening, I will do my best to be understanding, I just hope he approaches the situation with respect and concern for both our well being, just like I have. I have faith in him though, when there is a connection between two people like the connection Jarad and I have... it will work itself out, it kind of just Has to.

I suppose there isn't a lot else to report- besides the love of my life, I've set a new weight loss goal for myself, I want to lose 15lbs by Thanksgiving. It hasn't been going perfectly yet, but I'm pretty sure I can do it. I just need to get my butt to our weight room at my apartment complex. I don't know why the place seems so scary but I find something else better to do everytime! Maybe tonight.... ha who knows... I'm trying to recruit people to go with me, I'd love to work out with Jarad but I get the feeling we both might be awkward about this for at least the beginning.. I don't know, I was hoping he could show me a few things... but I've found that I'm usually more productive when I'm by myself - only because I'm not embarassed that I'm doing things wrong or that I look funny.. I just do it.

I DID get my new book in the mail that I ordered online and so far I really like it, it's a bunch of short fiction stories all by authors from Nebraska, the book is thicker than I had expected but that's a good thing, it will last me a little longer that way. Unlike the book I read the other weekend, that I finished in one day!

Hmm, ok so good reports from across the board- Jarad - Check, Health & Weight loss - Check, Mind Stimulation/Books - Check, Hmmm - Let's pray for good things to continue to come my way! (Speaking of... church should be my next check mark goal) I'll let you know how that goes, one good day at a time :)

Good Luck with YOUR 12 Step Life Program!