Timing...

I never used to think about the timing of things.. I'm a little impulsive, if and when I think something or feel something I typically would just throw it out there and expect people to respond... instantly. As I've said before, I'm not a real patient person.. but I'm working on that, I'm working on waiting for the appropriate times to say the things I need to say, and I'm working on waiting for a response, the right response as opposed to the initial response. I'm not sure either one of these tactics is working for me right now. At least with an initial response you get some honest feelings, instead of strategically placed statements... but with a patient response you can avoid saying hurtful things that are only said because it's "the heat of the moment" - I don't know, I'd be lying if I said I don't plan what I want to say before I say it, I'm a writer and I create entire scenarios in my head about conversations I want to have before I even begin to talk about them. It's just who I am... I'd like to think the person that I spend my life with will love that about me... will simply love me for who I am, flaws and all...

I hate the saying, "What goes around comes around" however, I'm a pretty firm believer in it.. something like Karma. I fear that something I did, something I experienced from one end is now happening to me from the other end. I wanted to love someone, because he was a fantastic boyfriend and a truely good person but I couldn't love him and though I tried and there were some really great times.. The love I wanted to be there, simply wasn't.... I've started to realize that it is possible that is what is going on with Jarad and I... except this time, it's Jarad that wants to love me and simply doesn't... It's a sad and dissapointing feeling, I can't even allow myself to get angry about it. You don't choose who you fall in love with... but it sucks when they aren't falling in love with you in return. It deeply bothers me that I made someone else feel the way I am feeling right now.. the self doubt, the questions that can't be answered, and the loss of someone who makes a huge impact on your life, I'm sorry...I only hope I can be as good of a person as he has been.

As for Jarad, I'm not in his head, I don't know what he thinks or feels and it's impossible to tell by his words or actions as they come so few and far apart and sparatically appear and disappear. The times when I think he loves me and probably when he thinks he loves me... are earth shattering, but I cling to those moments.. never knowing how long he will hold me, how long he will want to be close, or how long he will be focusing on only me... I let a sigh of relief go because for those moments, I'm right where I want to be... and then it's gone- his attention has been grabbed from me, his thoughts thrown around and his physical self removed from within my reach.

It's not the attention I've been craving all this time, it's thre real and true feeling of being loved by a man I have fallen so hard for that if a literal fall like this would occur it would have cracked my skull open, split my chest and exposed my swollen heart.

I'm not in love with the man who loved me, and I'm too in love with the man who doesn't...

The irony of my existence.