Why Wouldn't You Date Her?

I'm questioning today the meaning of putting a title on a relationship. Girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, lover, mistress, wife, fiance, husband, pimp... it all applys to your interaction with someone, I guess when you clarify that interaction it puts you a certain level... what if the level has been established but the title hasn't? Well, for me... it makes me question the dedication that my partner has to our "level"

It could mean that he wants an "out", an escape route where he can say to someone else, "no, I don't have a girlfriend" and that wouldn't be a lie, but depending on why he is saying that the outcome of my feelings would be the same- girlfriend title applied or not, I would be devestated. I don't really think that is the case in my current situation though, because though it is difficult for me to trust, I'm using everything that I have to believe that he does not want to hurt me like that.

So maybe then, he is waiting for the right time, the right moment, he's waiting for his life to slow and taper off at a plateau, or maybe he is scared... committing to me, in his mind, is a risk, I hurt him once and I feel like he thinks I will do it again. But that goes back to the idea that whether or not I am titled his girlfriend if I were to fuck him over it would hurt him just as much as my non-boyfriend than as my official boyfriend.

I don't know, I do realize I am rambling... I just get nervous from time to time, why wouldn't he want to claim me as his? My insecurities pound at the back of my forehead... all of the reasons why he wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't love me... Ultimately, I'm impatient, insecure, and a little over protective of what I want... which is him, all to myself, with no worries, no doubts, and the affection and attention to show me he wants it, he wants us, he wants me...

I would say I'm done whining, but I'm not... not quite. For the first time, I'm worried that Jarad lied to me, or at least.. misguided me about something I asked him point blank to explain, and though I could have easily found out if his story was true or not... it involved bringing his friend into the mix and I didn't want to do that, not to Jarad and not to his friend. The way Jarad fought for a change of subject made it pretty clear that something wasn't right though. The question I find myself asking now is... do I bring it up? Do I ask for explinations? Or do I bury it, with the idea that it was all a misunderstanding, let it go, and expect that it won't happen again?

For now... I'm leaving the ball in his court, I'm going to trust that if he was questioning things before... that he has made up his mind. Also, I'm going to try and be confident in myself, so that he will see the beautiful and confident woman that I am, and hopefully this will be the woman he wants to love and put his trust into.

My love for Jarad is not an image, it is not an obsession, it is not lust, it is not adoration, I'm not sure how long it will take to convince him of this, or how long I will have to say it before he believes me. But I love him, I love everything about him, even the things I hate about him I love... because they make him who he is. I am In love, and I may have to wait for him and it may make me go crazy.. but it's worth every glance, every touch, every breath, every poke, every giggle, every kiss, it is worth every single second.. :)

Happy Hump Day everyone!