Unsure

Well, I'm unsure of what to write about today.. I've got a few things going thru my head, but nothing super important, I'm just sort of riding things out... see how and where they go, I'm not worked up, excited, or upset... I'm just.. content to see what happens.

Overall, a pretty good weekend. I got a lot of sleep, went to bed fairly early and slept well, I took my parents to the airport on Saturday, they are in Mexico for the next two weeks, which is ok because they left me their car and the keys to their house, of course they didn't leave me much gas or any food but eh oh well, it's still kind of cool to have free reign of their place. So that's that... I got to spend some time with Jarad this weekend, which always makes me happy.

Sometimes I wish he could be happy to just Be with me, instead of always having to be doing something and I just happen to be around... but that's what I get for saying I wanted a guy who loves projects as much as I do... it's a flaw I can learn to live with and definately love. Besides, whenever I start to get frustrated or annoyed that I'm receiving very little of his attention, he smiles at me... and that smile makes me melt.. I can't help but grin when he looks at me, his smile, his eyes, even his attempts to be serious... drive me wild and he doesn't even know how rediculously sexy he is.

I told him at one point this weekend, that I would do anything for him, we were having a 'joking around' conversation so I'm not sure if he totally understood what I was saying or not.. but I honestly would and find myself amazed everytime I do something that is out of character for me... because it makes his life easier. In my past relationship I'm realizing I was the one who took all the time and gave very little, I regret this.. maybe if I would have been more giving I wouldn't have expected so much from him. I wonder if any of these traits and patterns that I'm realizing are going to happen with Jarad and I, I don't think that Jarad will take me for granted, but I wonder if he will be as unappreciative as I was sometimes in the past... what goes around comes around I suppose.

I'm to the point now where I have truely accepted that I am in love with Jarad, and I've also crossed the first obstacle of trying to accept that I'm in this more than he is right now, I'm in it for the long run and I don't know that he is to that point yet... I don't know that he ever will be... It's a risk I'm willing to take right now, It's like waiting for a birthday present from an aunt who lives out of state, In the back of your head you could use the $20 bucks she has sent for past birthdays, but you don't really expect it and in the end it may or may not come, but if it does it was worth the wait and if it doesn't... you didn't lose anything by thinking about it. Jarad is that $20 bucks on a MUCH larger scale and I can only hope that if he doesn't come around, if he doesn't choose me, that at least I won't lose his friendship, and I will have learned a lot from him and our experience.

But that's depressing, I'd much rather think that someday he will open up to me again and get to the point where I am at. Although, Here's a crappy realization I had the other day - Jarad is different than the first time we dated, he used to flirt with me, he used to crave me and want to be near me, he isn't like that anymore and I believe that it is my fault. It is obvious that I hurt him all those years ago and I fear that because of me, he went into lock down. So now, the things that he does or doesnt do that hurt me the most are my own damn fault, because I hurt him and there isn't a damn thing that I can do to change that now. What a crappy crappy thing... For all of you invisible blog readers if you have any advice on this, please give it to me.

Sorry this is sooo long, it was a long weekend of not writing... I had to catch up :)

Ultimately, I should not complain... Life has been pretty good to me, I think it is simply testing my paitence now.

As the Tattoo on my Lower back says, "Live, Love, Laugh, & Learn"