My own Tribune Comment

Yep, I'm putting it up again... It seems VERY NECESSARY to help my peace of mind and my opinon on some people today.

I read an article today in the Tribune regarding the Task Force in fremont, that was created to research the situation of Illeagal immigrants, they made suggestions to the City Council (which is what they were created to do in the first place) Anyway, then I read the comments of the citizens of Fremont and how they felt about the task force and illegal immigrants... It made me feel physically ill. I wanted to write a comment, but I decided to voice my own opinion on my own blog instead, it seemed safer and more appropriate. Here is what I can't understand... why does a person have to be illegal anywhere they go? I think all people should abide by some obvious rules, don't steal, don't kill, work for your money, support your family, send your kids to school, etc.. again the obvious things that every person has to do every day, beyond that.. I don't exactly understand why it matters if you were born here, or if your skin is a different color, or even if your first language is not the same as mine, it seems irrelevant... I guess when people try to pull the "they are illegal immigrants, what can't we understand about the word illegal?" - I just think why are they illegal? If I went to Mexico and worked and paid taxes and supported my family, why do I need some stupid piece of paper that says "your a citizen" - why would I be an illegal american? Why does it matter? Why can't we just live globally, if you want to move somewhere then go there and follow their rules and live your life. I understand that everyone is documented so that the government can keep track of us, so that we pay the taxes, so that we are a registered person on the earth, and ultimately I think that is the only reason they are called "illegal" because if they aren't documented then there is opportunity to screw the government out of taxes. News flash- everyone has the opportunity to screw the government out of taxes, EVERYONE - Not just people with brown skin and an accent. It blows my mind that some people can hate another human being SO much, when they don't even know them, why would you want to fill your heart with hatred ? I know people are going to say, crime, drugs, murders, blablabla- Come on that is a type of person, that is someone who made bad decisions, that's not a race, that isn't a color, or a language, I'm not a tree hugging hippy who is saying we should love everyone, there are absolutlely bad people in the world, that's right THE WORLD - I think the United States sounds like a stuck up group of teenagers at the cool table over lunch and instead of just pulling up another table so more people can join the table, they scrutinize and judge and complain and don't want anyone else to come to the table.

The system is flawed not just the system to become "legal" but the entire system of the way people are treated... I have redneck friends, I have rich friends, I have Mexican friends, I have black friends, I have Jewish friends, I have gay friends, you get my point- I'll be friends with any individual who is a good person, on that note, I have redneck enemies, rich enemies, mexican enemies, black enemies, Jewish enemies, and by enemies I mean people I don't like or who don't like me, and that is because they make poor decisions and want to be mean. If my 92 year old Grandma can accept people for who they are and what they do, rather than their race then what are these assholes bitching about when they write comments on the tribune website?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I think everyone needs to consider individual human beings in their opinions, and stop generalizing and criticizing things that are different than themselves.

Random

If that picture above doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will. That is my neice Kinley and I absolutely adore her, she is growing up so fast and I feel like I'm missing a lot of it, just because I'm trying to grow up and figure out my life too...

Here is my brother and my nephew at Halloween, he is a super cute batman, and I'm also amazed by him, he will be 3 at the end of November and he is soo smart and sooo Hyper!

Another one of my sweetie, she was a leopard for Halloween, I asked if her little pony tail, was supposed to be her leopard tail? haha, this picture just makes me laugh every single time.

Here are my "roomates" - well my roomate and her boyfriend, who spends most of his time at our place. I love them both, two of my very best friends!

And of course, last but not least.. my dearest Jarad, adorable at every single moment, even when he is scowling and acting like a speaker, because he caught on speaker wire.. hehe.. I love him.

Decision '08

I just got done voting, and I have to say it does actually give you a sense of 'civic duty' - You hear people say that and it always sounds so cheesy and rediculous but honestly, I felt really good casting my vote. I guess for me it was another way that I'm growing up, I took the responsibility to register in my district, to find the polling place, and to go and vote. I really just felt it was important to be a part of history, no matter how the election turns out and it is a change for our country, the first black president, the first female vice president, the first time in 40 years that we have changed presidents in the middle of a war, I just think when I'm 90 and my grandkids ask me if I remember when these changes started happening, I'd like to say that yes I voted in the election that changed the world. Ha- ok making world changing might be a bit of an exaggeration, or at least we want to hope and believe it is.

I also called and Thanked my Mom today, because I realized that I have voted in every presidential election, plus some other ones, since I turned 18, since she is an elected official and she gets to keep her job because of people voting, she has instilled an importance of voting in me, whether she intended to or not, I realize that many young people don't have that influence and many of them do not vote or do not see the importance in it. So just another shout out to say - THANKS MOM! and again, whenever I process another important lesson learned from my Madre, I think about all the Mom's and all the lessons we all receive, which always makes me extend my shout out to ALL MOM's - Kudos to all the lessons you teach us and the years you wait while we learn to appreciate them!

So, beyond the excitement of Election Day, work has been pretty slow, the morning has kind of dragged on and I'm hoping that the afternoon will pick up a bit when my boss returns from Lincoln, but so far.. it's not looking promising.

On a relationship note, things are fantastic, Jarad and I are back to doing projects in the basement, always one of our favorite past times, and it seems that the roomate drama is dissapearing, so Thank Goodness for that!!! Jarad is amazing, he makes me extremely happy, and I'm realizing that so much of our issues before were simply insecurities and the more we progress in our relationship, the more open we are with each other and the more comfortable I become in myself, the better things are, they basically just keep getting better. I'm in it for the long run, and if I've learned to interpret "boy" - I think Jarad is too :)

Soo I guess that is it for now, there are a lot of things brewing in my mind buuuttt, I'm not quite ready to devuldge all my hopes for the near future, and I suppose that is the other part keeping me from talking to much, it may not be near future, let's just say, I think the ball is rolling and I'm thrilled!

Go Vote!

Happy Halloween Eve Day!

Not a lot to report, but I got about an hour left at work, with not a lot to do, so I figured I'd spit out a few sentences on here. I love my boyfriend. I love my job. I'm a little frustrated with my living situation, not because of my roomate, I love her, but because it's messy and I have to pay rent, and I'm not there very often, and because it's messy now, I don't want to be there because that just means more work, and I'm tired. I don't know why I've been so tired, I think it's just changing of the seasons and stress catching up with me- when it get's dark so early and is still dark when I wake up, it just kind of makes me tired all the time, plus, I need to get back on the excercise train because that would definately help my energy level, but again it gets dark and I just want to go to bed.. lol.

So, I don't know, I'm pretty content, not everything is where I want it to be, but at least it feels like it's on the right track there, even my finances seem to be at least on a positive track, don't get me wrong, I'm still in a crap load of debt but at least I'm down to two credit cards and they both have decent interest rates, I'll have one three hospital bills paid off by the first of the year, so that leaves me with two left, I don't know- I guess you would have to understand how much I was struggling before to understand how far I've come. I really just feel like life is coming together for me, slowly and it's not there yet, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it looks spectacular.

Well, I'm down to about 30 more minutes. Shouldn't be hard to waste 30 minutes, lol... at least it will be awesome to leave at 3 tomorrow again, the day will go much quicker, plus it's Halloween!

Oh!!! Tonight is a new episode of The Office!!! Can't wait! That show just makes me happy!

Also, time is flying by and I realized that before I know it, Jarad's birthday will be here! What do you buy a guy who has a lot of crazy awesome stuff, but also who wants a lot of crazy awesome stuff? haha - I have an idea, but it is kind of not personal enough, it's something that a friend or family member might get you, but I want to surprise him with something that a girlfriend would get him... and I have no idea what that is yet.. ha - Plus, Thanksgiving is kind of a mile stone for him and I, it's basically our one year anniversary, and god knows we have had some ups and downs in the last year, but we stuck it out and we still want to be together and we still want to put up with our crazyness, and well I love that guy more and more everyday, and not one day in the last 365 have I stopped loving him, to me, that is a milestone and something to celebrate. ( I know to people like our parents, who have been married 30 plus years, it doesn't seem like much) but to me it is still important. My plan is to combine his birthday and anniversary presesnts together, but still what that is, is beyond me!

I just had a few crazy ideas pop in my head, so I'm going to research those for the rest of my 25 minutes. Have a great night, and a scary but fun Halloween!!!!

So Maybe... I overreacted...

Yeah, that's right- I'm admitting it. I may have over reacted about the ignoring thing on Thursday, that's not to say that it was right or acceptable in anyway, and I still hate being intentionally left out, which I obviously was on Thursday- But, maybe I shouldn't have let it get to me SO much, I guess I just have a hard time dealing with someone being rude to me, if I deserve it or not, I would never ignore someone I love for an entire night, that's who I am, Jarad can and did, but it doesn't mean he loves me any less... we are just learning how to respond to each other. The good news is, the talk on Friday went really well, we both admitted our faults and agreed to try and work harder at improving them.

I'd have to say I had a really fantastic weekend, Friday night we got to do halloween stuff and hang out with some fantastic people, Saturday we helped them clean up the halloween stuff and it felt really great to help out good people, then of course we watched the game, which is enjoyable and relaxing (especially since we won!) and then after a nap we got up and went to Little Ricki's in North Bend for a couple drinks and some food, I was really happy to go there, really it just makes me happy to be back in our town. Even though I felt a bit like an outsider because the 'regular' north benders, who have never left the town, were all there in their same old click... but it was ok- no beef with them, just not a lot to talk about these days.. So we called it an early night on Saturday because Jarad had to work on Sunday at 6am, but that was more than ok with me, I was still tired from the late night/early morning on Friday, I actually fell asleep on the couch saturday night before Jarad did and he was the one who had to get up early!

Anyway, Sunday was house cleaning day, we had pretty much just lounged in our own filth all day saturday, after having people over on Friday night and then laying around eating and watching the game Saturday, the place was pretty gross, so I made sure Jarad had clean clothes and towels for the week, and picked up the kitchen, living room, and basement, I also asked Chris to mow the yard because I know its one of those things Jarad has been "meaning to do" but it's either been raining or he has been too busy.. anyway, I could tell that it made Jarad really happy to come home Sunday after a long day of work and not have anything to worry about, he had a clean house, a mowed yard, and a happy girlfriend, ha - I beginning to think I spoil that boy... I just can't help it :) I know he works hard, and I know that he does nice things for me, to make my life easier, I just want to do the same for him. Anyway, Sunday we went out for dinner and then hung out in The Cellar for most of the evening, I slept really well Sunday night and woke up on the Right Side of the Bed this morning.. haha I just mean, I had one of those mornings where I stretched and got out of bed and I wasn't running late, and it was just a really good morning.

My whole day hasn't been that cheery, as much as I was hoping it would be, seems like today is the day for stupid people to call and waste my time but oh well, I've made it through so far, and we are down to an hour... well when I started typing that sentence it was an hour and a half, but then I got caught up dong work and now its down to an hour, plus I was 10 minutes early so, I'll probably pack up by 4:45 today :)

So, I suppose I've succesfully wasted another 20 minutes since that last paragraph, just chattin with my fellow cube boys.. ha we were talking about halloween costumes, as they all have little kids that are dressing up, and I told them about my naked person costume.. which obviously sounds weird when you first say it, but I still think it would be pretty awesome... I would be a fully clothed nude person :) haha well actually I doubt I'll dress up at all, but who knows, usually I get creative at the very last minute, and we still have a week before hallows eve!

Bye bye miss american pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was.. Bri... :)

It's getting old...

You know, sometimes people do things to intentionally hurt you, and it seems like after they do it enough, you start to become numb. I feel like I'm becoming numb again, I'm building a wall to block the pain because that is what I'm being forced to do. Everyone deserves to love someone who loves them back.

Ok, I'm not going to dwell, I'm attempting to stay positive, he can't ignore me forever, eventually he has to step up to the plate like an adult and discuss whatever it is that is going on in his head- and I suppose if he doesn't, then I don't know...

Anyway, The Office was on last night and it was HILARIOUS, seriously probably one of the funniest yet this year. We have been quoting from it at work all morning, and I can't stop laughing... a lot of quotable lines that is for sure. It's interesting because I could even relate to some of the characters in their qwest for love and the battles they were facing. Although we all want to be the happy new love couple that is Holly and Michael, it's never that simple and as much as I hate to say it, they are destined for trouble, rumor has it that Holly is only a temporary character and will only be on a few more epidsodes. Bummer, she portrayed the female version of Michael Scott SO well.

Anyway, work has been great today, I've gotten everything done, and I've gotten in some quality bonding time with my coworkers, sometimes I feel like work is the only thing that is actually a constant in my life, even bad days at work, are nothing compared to the drama I face with everything else in my life. My bosses support me 100%, my coworkers care about my well being, and I work khard for my company because of this, even when I have long days... I still love my job and the people I'm surrounded by. Sometimes I wish I could just stay at work all the time, at least when I'm here, I feel confident about who I am and what I do.

Sometimes a person has to ask themselves.. what am I willing to deal with and what am I not willing to put up with. Well, I've come closer to being strong enough to realize and to state quite clearly, that I will not put up with being ignored. I think it is disrespectful, I think it is immature, and I think that if you want time to think, a space, then at least have the courtesy to tell me that, take time to be mad, take time to think things thru, but I cannot tolerate "the silent treatment" - I will tolerate a lot, I will always forgive, but eventually, if this behavior of ignoring me continues, I will walk away, and when the decision is made to stop ignoring me, I won't be there anymore. Drama doesn't just happen to people, they create it.

Damnit, I'm back on that again... anyway- My friend Michael stopped by my apartment last night and chatted for a while, I love that guy... he is very good and listening and giving advice- he is good at being objective, not passing judgement on anyone, but still telling you what you need to hear. He is very very loyal to his friends and therefore he hardly ever has time for himself, or for his own relationships, someday I know he'll find someone that will treat him as lovingly as he treats everyone and they will be happy together, for his sake I hope it's sooner than later.

He and I decided that we have problems, opposite problems but problems all the same- I want to be in a relationship, I feel a need to have someone to love, he on the other hand runs from relationships and he has a need to keep everyone at a distance. If only we could trade a little of each of these so we could find ourselves more balanced. If only... the magical words that dreamers use.

I am a dreamer that is for sure, take it or leave it, I can come up with a lot of ideas, pick them all apart, try to use them, throw them out the window, I will dream till I can't even see clearly, I have big ideas and little ideas and I want to put them all into play as quickly as possible... which never works.

I'm a beautiful person, I care about the people I love, I will always put them first, I'm silly, I'm a tom boy, I'm sexy, I'm determined, and I'm passionate about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness, I'm a talented writer, and an intellegent and hardworking woman. I'm not cocky, I have a lot of insecurities, my capacity to care for everyone can cause problems, and my ability to be in love with only one person, also seems to cause me problems. The bottom line is this... I'm a good person, who is currently beating herself up for no reason, all because on amazing man is ignoring her. I man who can make or break me, I'm a beautiful person who is about to break.

BLAH

Today kind of really sucks. First of all, I do not feel well, I didn't get much sleep, Jarad is pissed at me for no good reason, and the day is DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGING on.

I'm going to write this on here, in the slight chance that Jarad might read it, I have nothing to hide, He text me on tuesday asking me to send a tshirt he apparently left at my apartment, he said he would pay me for shipping, I said you don't have to pay me because I'll just send it from work, and he said that would be awesome thanks, I said no problem. End of conversation, first time I've talked to him since he left, I didn't tell Jarad on Tuesday because I forgot it even happened, and I haven't sent the t-shirt yet because I haven't been home to even look for it, and in fact I probably would have even forgot to send it, if Jarad hadn't gone through my phone and got upset about something he didn't understand. The reason I deleted my other messages is because my inbox gets full very quickly, not because I get or send a lot of messages but because I save the ones that Jarad sends me that are sweet or important to me, therefore I don't have a lot of space and I have to delete my messages often.

Big drama for no good reason. Of course, Jarad isn't going to believe me, he never does and probably never will, and I don't know how to fix that, if he could just trust me, then he wouldn't have gotten so upset last night, but he doesn't and it breaks my heart.

However, I'm sure if I wouldn't have been drinking yesterday, I would have been able to explain that, I seriously am going to quit for a while, I hate the bull shit that seems to follow me when I drink too much. Ugh.

So now, I sit here and worry... because I have no idea what is going thru his head, but I'm kind of annoyed with the way it was handled, at the same time, it feels like Jarad could up and walk out of my life at any given moment, why does it seem like I'm holding my breath so often with that boy? I can only hope that we find each other on that gravel road again.

I love him, it's messy, it's scary, it keeps me up all night, but I haven't ever felt this way for anyone, so he's worth it, he is important, he is Jarad and I love him.

No News is Good News...

This picture is old, but I thought it was funny when I came across it (no worries, nothing scary is actually happening...)

Here is one from my birthday party, it was taken on a disposable camera so that's why we are BRIGHT WHITE!! But still a cute picture..
Another random picture, He is so smug... hehe

I don't have a lot to report today, which I suppose is probably a great thing! I had a fantastic weekend, got to relax, spend time with friends, and of course spend time with Jarad :) - he had to work all weekend which is kind of a bummer because I worry about him getting enough sleep, but overall I don't think it was too bad, we went out but came home at semi-decent times and then on Saturday Jarad was able to take a 3 hour nap so I'm hoping that helped as well, plus Sunday afternoon/evening we just lounged and watched random tv shows that hooked our attention, I loved it, once in a while Lazy Days with Jarad seem to be just what we both need.

So, yep pretty good weekend, the "conversation" I mentioned last blog did not go as I had intended but that's not to say that it didn't end up being productive, it just took a little longer to get to the productive part and through the upset/angry part... but I think it was good in the end and ultimately it was handled quite well by both Jarad and myself. It's important to think about the actual person in front of you and not so much about minor issues, but it's something we all do and just have to work thru.

I find myself thinking about the future again and while I try not to get ahead of myself, sometimes it's difficult, I guess it just feels like I'm exactly where I want to be, I'm with the person I want to be with, and I want to lock in this feeling, I know that is impossible, but because I've found something in my life that I want and expect to be so permanent it is difficult not to think towards the future. I guess what I need to do is think near future not far future, next month, maybe the holidays, one week at a time.. haha

Well, enjoy your day, I certainly have :)

Communication.

I never thought that keeping the person you love up to date on day to day happenings would be difficult. Well actually, I still don't think it is difficult, for me. For Jarad on the other hand, seems to be an impossible task. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never be important enough to be a part of his world, the Jarad world, where he is the only citizen.

To clarify, I love him, I'll always love him, this frustration is simply that, a frustration, it's not earth shattering, it doesn't make me question our relationship or our future. I just want to better understand the workings of how and why he communicates the way he does.

A simple text could have prevented the whole thing, I sent him a message saying what I was doing and he could have sent me one back, instead I didn't hear from him till 11pm when he was going to bed. I talked about him the whole night, I felt bad for him because I thought he was hard at work, I don't know- I'm not asking for the world.. just a little respect for my feelings.

I know that I have a hard time being alone, but last night I had a great night with my roomate and friends, I have no problem doing that more, if Jarad wants guy night, or truck night, or sit at home and watch pointless tv by myself night, I don't care what it is.. if he wants a night away from me, I can be More than ok with that... as long as he communicates with me, a couple text messages maybe a call before bed or at least in the evening to talk about our day, I just sometimes still get that "out of sight, out of mind" feeling from him.

Again, I don't want to sound like my life is terrible and I'm a big whiner... My life is fantastic, I love Jarad, but no one is perfect, and sometimes when I'm frustrated and I write about it, it is easier for me to re-read what I'm frustrated about and think about it objectively and/or find a solution.

I want to have an adult one on one coversation with my sweet sweet Jarad, I hope that we can explain to each other what we do and why we do it and hopefully come to an understanding of the communication problem. I know that both Jarad and I are capable of having these productive talks, it's just a matter of making sure he is in the right frame of mind and sometimes that is not as easy as it sounds. Any chain of events can flip the switch with him and there is no point in trying to have a productive conversation with him if he has had a bad day, in a bad mood, or tired....

The other slight situation I'm throwing around in my head has to do with "family dinners" which in the Chrisman family are frequent and important. I love those family dinners.. but I apparently am not yet invited back to attend them... that part doesn't really bother me, I understand that I am not part of the family, and especially with all the drama of the last month and a half, there just hasn't been quite enough time for everything to settle.

The problem arose when Jarad told me about the dinner in excitement for mash potatoes and then said, "you could come" - I don't know how to take that... and I told him I was going to "crash" the dinner, if Vicki told him it was ok to invite me that is one thing, or if he told her he would like me to come that would be fine too, but considering that "you could come" is neither an invitation or a request... I didn't feel comfortable with it, maybe.. no probably.. I'm making a big deal over nothing... but here is the second half of why this bothers me... I decided that it wasn't a big deal, that I would be happy to go and if Jarad wanted me to go then I would, regardless of how he asked me or if he told his Mom, so yesterday I assumed I would probabaly go.. and then last night he told me he would "just come to Omaha after dinner." Which then to me means, "you are not invited to dinner" but I'm realizing to Jarad he probably thought he was making me happy because he was actually going to come to my apartment instead of me always going to his house. Ugh... communication mishap #9,823,749,832,729,852,985,729,845,438,957,389,453,749,853,479,843,538,939,485,739,845 and counting....

So now what? In simple terms- My feelings are kind of hurt because I was invited and then uninvited, and I was ignored for most of the night last night.

Do I suck it up and go on like everything is fine? I mean this isn't kindercare, Jarad isn't going to go in time out for hurting my feelings, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. BUT - how many times will it happen again in the future? How many of my feelings will hurt until they all just break? That is what I want to avoid, a major meltdown caused by too many little drips in the pipes. Then again, how many little drips should I fix? You know everyone always says you have to pick your battles and I think I'm typically pretty good at picking the important ones... this time I'm just not sure.

Ok, so at this point, I've re-read this about three times and everytime it seems more and more trivial, I've decided a coversation will have to be had between Jarad and I, however it can and will be short, not an arguement, not even a bunch of apologies, a short explination of how I felt and why, and hope that it enlightens him and prevents future broken feelings.

Gosh, I love that guy, I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love someone....

Classic J & K

I just loved this picture SO much, it was during a break while Jarad and I were building "The Cellar" aka the bar in his basement. We are both covered in paint, dirt, and sweat, he was about to pull me off my bar stool, and I'm holding on to him... it's kind Jarad and Kate in their "natural habitat" haha

Priceless...

This picture cracks me up, the facial expressions the randomness, the ability to capture everything I love about small town living and about these people.

The fact that they even all stopped for the 30 seconds it took me to snap this picture is amazing enough, then there is the fact that we are in a very old shed, looking thru very old stuff, it was very late at night, and obviously a little chilly out, a couple people had beer, we all had hoodies and ripped pants, it was pitch dark except for our flashlights and the flash on my camera, how did Tanner know to poke his head right there between Kyle and Jarad? I cropped this particular picture to focus on the important people in it, but I could go on and on and on about all the rediculous and awesome details in the full picture. In fact, I probably will... I'm feeling a little inspired to write just based on the capture of this moment. I thank Jarad for recommending we take the camara and buying batteries for it... That $.94 cent purchase was worth more than he'll ever realize after looking at this picture.

Obviously, I'm a little biased... but I think Jarad has the most absolutely rediculously sexiest smirk on his face. (Not to mention he is sporting MY college alum sweatshirt). Christopher looks jolly and baby-faced..like always, Allison is hyper and demanding and glad to be goofy, Kyle.. well? That's Kyle. And again, suprisingly Tanner's head popped in from the background.. no doubt he was yelling something random and a bit raunchy. The song, "Small town, Saturday Night" - Just popped into my head. I am in love with this life, with this picture and every single detail it represents, it makes me wonder what face I would be making, how I would describe my look and my feelings if I were in front instead of behind the camera?

I had on my nebraska hoodie and striped purple and blue stocking cap that didn't match but was warm, comfortable, and kept dirt off my head when climbing thru the old barns and the trees and overgrown weeds. I had my own flashlight, with new batteries, no way in hell I'm getting stuck out there in the dark, with my friends who know I jump faster and higher than a bouncy ball, when I get spooked. For some of us that old abandoned farm house was new and scary and exciting, and for others who had been there more times than they could count on all fingers, it was familiar and more thrilling to watch the others explore than to actually even go in yourself.

Ok, sorry I was on a role with capturing that moment. I'll write more later, but for now... I'll talk about some other fun ideas and things that seem to be hip-happening. First of all, score more points for Jarad... he didn't back down to his roomate last night, to avoid talking crap about him I will spare the details- but ultimately he said - I don't want her here, my girlfriend is going to be here, and Jarad called me and told me to come over as we had originally planned anyway. YAY! Ultimately, there was no drama at least last night, roomate and his gf left when I got there, then we left to grab a salad at the BK Lounge (I'll explain more on that later) and then we ran to Wal-Mart so I could buy a book light (again more explination needed on that) but by the time we got back to Jarads, they were upstairs in roomates room, and we hung out in The Cellar for a while looking thru Jarad's new music download program, and reminicising about music from our younger years. All in all - I had a great night, it's too bad that roomate and girlfriend have to be Soooooo up tight about everything, especially since I have tried to apologize for anything I may have said or done to them ( I still think they owe me apologies as well) but eh- I don't hold grudges.

Ok now to back track a bit- I told you about my weight loss goal, well apparently Jarad is jumping on board with me, because last night he announced that he wanted to eat healthy and thought we should just go have salads for dinner. I was more than happy about that, AND I got to drive Jarad's truck AND I did a good job at it! It's not that it's all that hard, it's just different than my little Neon, and it's got a few other bells and whistles that I had to adjust to. Plus it's A LOT Bigger than anything I've driven for a while. Jarad was a very patient and fantastic teacher, and he was very encouraging, so I even drove it out to Wally world! I'd love to drive the truck all over North Bend and/or out in the country, I just get nervous driving big and loud trucks in town with all the other cars around me. I feel good though because Jarad has been asking me if I want to drive that thing since the day he got it and I was always too nervous, but since he has put so much work into it and it runs sooo perfectly now, I just couldn't resist but give it a try :)

So, then we went to wal-mart and of course my dear sweet Jarad and his obsession with Flashlights led me right to the isle with all the flash lights, however- after much investigation over which is the best flashlight there and if his were better.. we did not find a book light in that isle, so we wandered around a big, looked at electronics, listened to some night time wal mart workers discuss their skill on the video game Rock Band, and eventually we came across a cheap little book light in the "lighting center" it was a stand by the check out registers, it was the only one and I wasn't impressed but it was $1.47 so I figured what the heck... just as I'm about to check out, I stopped and looked at all the little gadgets directly across from the check out, lotions, lighters, sprays, dog toys, kid toys, and as I was considering if I needed more chap stick, Jarad says, Hey Book Lights- these ones were about 4 bucks but looked ALOT nicer and so I bought that one instead, with some batteries, and I was happy. The story about the book light is, I like to read in bed, but I don't have a lamp by my bed at my apartment and when I stay at Jarad's he does not have a lamp either AND I don't want to keep him awake with the light on, so he suggested a book light. It served it's purpose very well last night. :)

Ok, so summary time- I came over even tho Roomate said No which is a positive step forward for Jarad and I, I drove the truck which was awesome, we ate salad which was healthy, I bought a book light which was practical and helpful, We listened to good music and had great conversation. I guess you could say I'm a pretty happy little camper :)

If you didn't notice by now, that this blog is REDICULOUSLY long, then I'm pretty entertaining, but if you have noticed, it is because work is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow today. In an office which usually has 25-30 people in it every day, we only have about 7 people here. There are meetings at a different location today for all the agents in the office, and some of the staff go as well.. so there are the lucky few of us that get to stay and hold down the fort and it is BORING!!! Oh well, it's also easy and relaxing and it allows me to write blogs that are like novels :)

I'm going to end this one for now, but Love Peace and Happiness to You all!

Life as a 12 Step Program

I once referred to Jarad as a "12 Step Program" - at the time I said we were only on step 3 and I was obviously meaning this as a joke.. but the more I thought about it, the more I applied a 12 step program to my life in general, and I realized how it helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, there are probably A LOT more than 12 steps in my "Life Program" but we'll start there for now.. haha - On a happy note, I would move Jarad and I up to about step 9 now... I am still working on being more confident in myself, but it seems like he is starting to respond to me again, nothing happens overnight, but I'm feeling a lot more confident in the whole thing...

It amazes me how sometimes the littlest things can mean so much, just a few words can let you know that you really matter. I know that when I type out the words, no one will find them as special as I do, but I want to write them anyway, because I want to remember... "I'm just happy My Kate is here..." He didn't know how special that made me feel, and maybe I should have done more to tell him or show him, but I think just the comfort of being next to each other was what he needed at that moment and I wanted nothing else, in fact I felt like I would never need anything else but that sweet boy and his hand on my side as we laid next to each other.

It is kind of amazing the way we reverse roles, sometimes I feel like I look up to him, he is so impressive and so smart and so responsible, I'm amazed and envious of him and I want to work hard and learn from all the things that he is so good at, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him like that, but once in a while - that oh so impressive man just needs a little TLC, and all of a sudden he reaches for me.. almost like he is reaching for a gasp of air out of water... like he just needs to hold on for a minute and maybe I can be the solid structure in his world that won't spin. I want to be that structure, I want to be that more than anything and vice versa- I want to be able to reach for him and hold on for dear life when things seem to spin. I feel like someday we will reach that point.

I feel like, we have always been meant to help each other and find that point together, we just had to spin alone and now we have to spin together for a while first.

That isn't to say that we don't still have obstacles, I know for a fact that while we have started perfecting "Jarad and Kate" - we still have to work on the outside world... my family, his family, my friends, his friends- in a perfect world... everyone who loves me would love him and everyone who loves him would love me. Well, HA We all know it's not a perfect world. Here's hoping that at least the people who truely matter can look past our previous issues. I mean, no one is perfect, I've attempted to make my apologies where apologies were required, and now it's a matter of time and forgivness, I suppose.

I feel terrible that Jarad has had so much stress put on him from so many directions. I have attempted to stop the stress from my end, but there is only so much I can do, but when I look at him and I see him so exhausted and moody it breaks my heart, I would do anything to fix every problem for Jarad, even the little tiny ones, I just want him to be as happy as possible.

Anyway, it's a rollarcoaster right now, I approach every night with an open mind because I have no idea what his mood might be, what he might need or not need, and if that includes me. Again, to avoid stress as much as possible, I leave the opportunity open for him, he can reach out to me as needed and you know I always hope he does, but if/when the time comes that he needs me to back off for the evening, I will do my best to be understanding, I just hope he approaches the situation with respect and concern for both our well being, just like I have. I have faith in him though, when there is a connection between two people like the connection Jarad and I have... it will work itself out, it kind of just Has to.

I suppose there isn't a lot else to report- besides the love of my life, I've set a new weight loss goal for myself, I want to lose 15lbs by Thanksgiving. It hasn't been going perfectly yet, but I'm pretty sure I can do it. I just need to get my butt to our weight room at my apartment complex. I don't know why the place seems so scary but I find something else better to do everytime! Maybe tonight.... ha who knows... I'm trying to recruit people to go with me, I'd love to work out with Jarad but I get the feeling we both might be awkward about this for at least the beginning.. I don't know, I was hoping he could show me a few things... but I've found that I'm usually more productive when I'm by myself - only because I'm not embarassed that I'm doing things wrong or that I look funny.. I just do it.

I DID get my new book in the mail that I ordered online and so far I really like it, it's a bunch of short fiction stories all by authors from Nebraska, the book is thicker than I had expected but that's a good thing, it will last me a little longer that way. Unlike the book I read the other weekend, that I finished in one day!

Hmm, ok so good reports from across the board- Jarad - Check, Health & Weight loss - Check, Mind Stimulation/Books - Check, Hmmm - Let's pray for good things to continue to come my way! (Speaking of... church should be my next check mark goal) I'll let you know how that goes, one good day at a time :)

Good Luck with YOUR 12 Step Life Program!

Monophobia - Fear of being alone

Yes, I truely believe I have a disorder... I don't know where it stems from exactly- but I really do have panic attacks when I'm ignored and left alone. If I can have the comfort that I could reach out to Jarad and he would answer, I would probably be less anxious... but he has chosen to take the position that ignoring me will reduce his stress. Thus sending me into a frenzy. I'm not blaming Jarad for my issues, because I clearly do have issues, and I am seriously considering professional help, but the way the situation is currently being addressed is wounding me.

Ok, so I don't know what my problem is... but there isn't enough coffee in the world to make me stop yawning this morning, I slept ok, but I did NOT want to get out of bed, it was warm and comfy and my room was cold and dark, the perfect ingredients for sleep.. lol

I am attempting to create hobbies for myself, I want to be active and have things to do with other people, I don't know how to be alone and somewhere along the road I lost my ability to be independent, I'm outgoing and more than capable of completing things on my own, it's just that feeling of abandonment, the idea that someone can turn away from me so easily, can take me out of their world and not look back, it scares the crap out of me...

So I'm writing this blog throughout the day today, I just minimize the window do some other work and then come back to it, so if it seems scattered that's because it is.

I'd like to just chalk last night up to "an off night" - one of the many challenges that will come to face Jarad and I on our road to recovery. The problem is that I worry that Jarad chalks it up to another reason he shouldn't be with me. I need to have faith in us, and I don't know why I'm so convinced that he is going to up and leave me. He cares for me and I care for him, we have made that clear on more than one occasion, we are ok, and I just need to keep telling myself that. We are going to be Ok... Why does Jarad make me lose my confidence? He is the only person who has ever been able to shake me up so much... To me, that means something.

Soooooooo, what else? I'm going to start studying to get my insurance license, and I'm going to be working a few extra hours, and I'm going to (once again) focus on myself, finding myself, finding out who I am in order to be a better person, a better friend, and a better girlfriend to Jarad... if he'll keep me. I'm looking into volleyball leagues, working out, roomate night, I'm buying new books, and pushing myself to write more or at least studying techniques to fight writers block, I'm scheduling time for Chloe at the dog park, and nights with my family, even small group nights at church, I'm trying to become whole, so that my whole self and Jarad's whole self can become whole together.

It's just not easy to realize that you have spent most of your life being someone else's half... and not even anyone particular, I jumped from one person to the next leaning on them to entertain me, make me happy, and show me things THEY liked... it was easy and I learned a lot... but now it is time for me to become, well, Me.

The thing is... I still think that Jarad is a big part of my life, and will always be a big part of my life, I want a future with him... I just don't know if he can face these challenges with me right now, and again that scares the crap out of me...

I've been busy now for a while and I can't/don't want to remember what I was talking about, so I'm going to publish this post for now, chances are- I may be back.

Celebrating Little Victories!

It's been a busy day, so I'm posting a lot later in the day than normal, in fact I'm about to head out of here in 15 minutes, but I've wrapped everything up for the day, and I feel very productive! I don't think there is a lot going on tonight, and I'm glad... I might clean out my car, or I might curl up in the hammock and read another book like I did yesterday :) - Good things are finally happening in my life, they aren't exactly monumental, but every little thing counts, and every little thing that he says or does or feels, lights up my day...

There is still a road of healing and growing in front of us, but I'm still praying that we travel that long road together, always... I don't want to be too quick to count my blessings, but every hour I get to spend with him is a blessing to me, soooo - I guess I'm already counting :)

Ok, anyway, There are a lot of positive bubbly happy things in my head, but again trying not to jump the gun. So let's just say... I really do love him, I love everything about him, and I even love everything I hate about him, I love who I am when I'm with him, and tho there are a lot of pressures from outsiders who have opinions about us and our relationship, when it comes down to it, I have never and will never do anything to intentionally hurt Jarad, I want nothing but his happiness... I just hope that the outsiders don't pressure him to believe differently.

One day at a time, I'll continue to love him.

ITCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So all week I kept finding these little spots on my arms and legs and hands and feet, and I kept thinking how am I getting so many bug bites?! I had washed my bedding, and chloe just had flea and tick medicine put on her, it can't be any of that, and they weren't mosquito bites because they were too little and randomly popping up. Finally today, when I realized it had spread out, and the spots were bigger, puffier, and oozing with stuff, I realized it is definately a poison plant. Ugh, I'm allergic to poison plants, I know that sounds weird, but I really am, I have trouble getting rid of the stuff, my body likes to transport it all over and I'm very sensitive to it. So anyway, it isn't terrible yet so I'm hoping I caught it early enough that some benadryl and all the other over the counter products will help.

My Mom wins the awesome award today, because she was coming into Omaha so she dropped off all that good medicine to me at work, good thing too, because I was about to go itch crazy! Props to my Mom, and really all Mom's today... for showing up with itch cream when you are about to lose your mind!

So, I had a breakdown last night, I don't have a specific reason why I was on the verge of tears for most of the night, I guess a lot of stress and worrying that I had brought on myself.. finally got the best of me. It's weird because before Jarad, I never had panic attacks, nothing every mattered that much to me, but he really does, I really can't imagine life without him... and when I worry that I may have to, my stomach knots up, I get short of breath, it's a terrible feeling, again I know I do it to myself, and I'm learning to deal with these crazy attacks, but.. .well.. here's hoping I don't have to worry about that forever.

I talked to Jarad a little bit by text last night, I really really REALLY wanted to see him last night, but it didn't work out and probably for the best, we both had people around, and The Office was on till 9pm, so it would have been a late night and we both had work early. But Tonight, I'm really really looking foward to seeing him, I think that tonight will be better anyway because I'm a little bit more under control.

I want to say Happy Birthday to my friend, Dennis. Today is his birthday and I hope he has a wonderful night, and in the chance that I don't' see him this weekend. GO HUSKERS!

I know everyone says this throughout their lives, but at the point where I coule Really use a crystal ball, I need to know somethings about the future, I need to know where things will go with Jarad and I, not because I want them to happen soon or quickly, but because I've never had feelings for someone, like the feelings I have for Jarad, but I don't know what that means yet, after all the stress and drama of things lately, I don't know how he feels or how we will sort thru things, but I love the person that I am, when I'm with Jarad, and I love the person he is, and sorry to sound like a broken record, but I really have never felt that way for anyone else.

Ok, I should probably wrap this up for now. Have a great Friday!

Us

DUH!

I had a brilliant thought while I was in the bathroom, why is it that many people have great ideas on the porcelin throne? Anyway, OF COURSE Jarad and I can't just be the perfect couple right away, I mean, think about it this way, the fairy tale romances of today--

Ross and Rachel (Friends)
Carrie and Big (Sex and the City)
Jim and Pam (The Office)

That's just to name a few off the top of my head, I'm sure if you sat and thought about it, you would totally realize that nothing in love is ever easy... All of these couples love each other and end up together, they also all screw up, break up, and make up. Sometimes over and over again, but in the end, everyone realizes what is important...

Ok, so this reasoning may sound stupid and shallow, but I was feeling really depressed because I sometimes worry that Jarad thinks, well we are fighting, or something is screwed up, I guess it's over... but it's not like that, life is not like that, LOVE is not like that, people make mistakes.... it gives me hope that I have a chance of being the Rachel, Pam, Carrie in all of us, and Jarad has the chance to be the Ross, Big, and Jim in all of you crazy men out there.

I suppose, there is hope!

Coming Down from a High...

Not literally of course, but if Jarad were a drug, I would be addicted, After I got just a little bit a little taste on Tuesday, it's all I can think about, the question is how long till I get my next fix? ;)

Just kidding, it's just that the emotion that Jarad stirs up in me, is stronger than any emotion I've every had to deal with before. Again, patience is a virtue, a virtue that I don't exactly have... but I'm working on it...

On a happy note, tonight is the season premier of my very favorite show, The Office. It should be a pretty good episode, so I'm excited for that.. the only thing is... I kind of wish I was watching it with another Office fan... I won't mention his name, he already knows who he is and so do all of you.

I find myself not making definate plans with anyone in the slight chance that he will want me to come hang out, I know that is pathetic, and a strong woman would make plans and tell him that he'll have to wait, if he wants to hang out he should have called and said so... the only problem is, even if I made plans with other people, I'd be thinking about him and wishing I was with him the whole time anyway. It is kind of a lose/lose situation on my part, at least for the time being. If we were more stable, I wouldn't worry about it, but since things are so shaky and in limbo, I just want to see him and be close to him, and actually be able to breathe again..

Another.. Big.. Sigh................ I'll just keep waiting.

We'll all float on ok...

Queen of his Double Wide Trailer

Yep, That song is in my head, and yes I love it.

So far, so good today... Dennis accepted my explanations about my feelings for him... I told him they didn't exist, I was not and never going to be in love with him, and I would like to keep him as a part of my life in the future, because I believe he is an amazing person. Friends like him are hard to come by, BUT, It is very clear to me that I must find a compromise with Jarad, he has a lot of very good reasons to dislike Dennis and thus it puts a very big stress on me.

I guess at this point I am willing to give up quite a bit for that challenging man, but I do expect him to come my way just a little, we will work on building trust and having faith, we have the passion and love for each other, the rest of the things we will build with each other, a project I would give anything for.

It's basically this simple, Jarad and I are good for each other, he pushes me to learn new things, to be a better person, to not think that I know it all, he isn't easy, and I love it. People may think I'm crazy, but last year has been one of the best for me, I've grown so much as a person, and I hope that Jarad has realized a little bit of that about himself. I still believe we are meant to be, I just know now that nothing is quite as fairytale as we would all like to believe it to be.

Sigh- now the waiting begins, I've even gained a little more paitence since before... I'm not saying that I want to wait or even that I like it, but at least I know that it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean he doesn't care if he needs a little time. I still hope it's not too much time! :)

Ok, so the truth is out. I still don't know what will happen, but I still miss him, and I still hope we have a chance in the future.

<3

Glowing

This picture is a good example of what my mind feels like today. A whirlwhind of thoughts about Jarad. My coworker told me that I was glowing today, she said she hadn't seen me smile this much in weeks... I didn't even realize I was doing it. I don't know how much or what I want to say yet. Except that I got to be close to the person that I am in love with and even though it was only for a short time, it made me glow.

I have a lot of obstacles to face and challenges to overcome and decisions to make in the future, in the near future. I am afraid I am going to upset some people with my decision and I am going to have to hear a lot of crap. I know that I am a strong person, I know that the decisions I make are my own and no one elses, and I believe that the people who know and love me will support me, but it doesn't make it easy. There is just something about that guy.... I can't get enough of him.

I have, however, said some things I shouldn't have, did some things I shouldn't have, didn't say some things that I should have, and now - I have to sort thru that, understand my mistakes, make my apologies and hope that somehow, I end up with a friend who doesn't hate me, and a boyfriend who loves me. Crap. That is so much easier said than done.

Another complete and utter mindfuck, the world spins when I get to kiss him, my head spins, my heart spins, no one else makes me feel that way. Love isn't easy, but man... it is powerful.

I'm going to end this crazy, vague, confused and so fucking happy blog for now. I will be writing again today, I anticipate a slow day, with a racing mind.

Mwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm Back!

I couldn't bring myself to write on here for a while, I was definately sorting through some thoughts.. but often they were negative and I'm not one to write or share negative thoughts about myself or about others all that often. So I withheld until I knew that I could be more logical and less emotional... when that finally happened, a whirlwind of business happend at work. If you watch the news and/or stock market at all you will have heard about all the crazyness that was happening to a company that is basically just like the one I work for. Luckily, my company is doing very well in this crazy financial time, but our clients were panicked, and the agents were busy, which in turn meant a lot of things got put on me and man was I swamped at work, honestly probably the busiest consecutive three days of my 2 year career at AXA. Finally, things have calmed down. I've gotten caught up and I figured.. what the hell... time to write again.

I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I've discovered a lot of things about myself in the past couple of weeks, and yes one of them is that I miss Jarad, I miss our crazy ideas, our lazy moments, our big projects, our random road trips, our nights with the band, our nights in the Cellar, our nights on the patio, our trips in the jeep, our dinners with family, the look in his eye when he was looking at me- that I could only catch once in a great moon but made me feel like a star. I miss him. I don't know what that means for us, I don't know now that we are perfect for each other, I think we jumped, or Ok I jumped ahead a little too far. I worry about him, I worry about him being happy in every way possible, I just don't know if me in his life will create happiness or more stress.. I just don't know. I don't even know if it's an option, I don't know that he'll ever reconsider the notion of us, but I think deep down we both consider it at some point every day, for me there is always a moment... something that reminds me of him, a song on the radio, a jeep driving by, a restaurant, a tv show, everyday I catch my breath just for a moment and I get wrapped up in him. Some days are worse than others, but in general I think about him every day.

However, this time when I think about him, it's not with the urgency I had before. It seemed like when we were dating I assumed that if I wasn't with him in person, then I wasn't with him in his heart. I was wrong about that, he has made that clear... as I have said before, if someone ever says I won't wait for you, or I will wait for you, I've decided that they must be confused... because for me it's not about waiting, it's about a feeling that won't ever go away.

I can hope and wish and plan to act on that feeling or I can sit on it and decide that the feeling does not benefit the person I care for. I don't know yet what this feeling will bring or how I will act on it.... but it's still there.

On a seperate note, (and I'm hoping you won't read this until I have this discussion with you, but if you do... at least you know that my words are written out of respect and love). I now know without a shadow of a doubt that you can love someone as a friend, but not be in love with them. You can want to be in love with them, you can tell yourself its the best thing for you, and it may be the best thing, the best relationship, the best person in the entire world, but you cannot force yourself to be IN love with them, you can't force yourself to be passionate, you can't force yourself to be wrapped up in someone, you can love them and care for them and want nothing but the best for them, but you cannot make yourself their lover, their one and only, you can't do it. Or at least, I can't do it. I believe there are some people in your life who will always be in your life, who you will always care about, who you will always want the best for, but they just may not be the one you are destined to be with. I'm a passionate person and if I can't find or create passion for the one person who treats me like a princess then it's just not going to happen. It's hard to accept, even for me, but the more I try the more I know it is wrong.

Why do we choose difficult paths for ourselves? Why do I choose the road less traveled? Sometimes I like to tell myself that because I'm so intelligent I choose to challenge myself in my relationships and if it isn't a bit challenging then there isn't anything to it and it's time to move on.

Jarad was, is, and always will be... a challenge. The question is, how long can I handle a challenge? Will I always choose a challenge? In 10 years am I still going to pick the road less traveled? I don't know, I don't know how anyone CAN know... committments are scary. ;)

How do you tell someone that you consider your best best best friend, something that is going to break their heart? How do you tell someone that is your best friend and your lover that they can trust you, that your other best friend is simply that and is in no way a threat to them? Why do the people that I care about have to be such a challenge to each other? Sigh- questions that will forever go unanswered I suppose.

My advice for today is take a step back at your relationships, understand which ones are JUST friends, which ones are JUST for Lust, and which One you love for each of those things and more.

Adios Amigos

It can only get better...

Well yesterday I said that I had hit rock bottom, which could only mean that it can't get any worse... I think I was right. Last night was a much better night and today still getting better. Today this quote came across my desk and it gave me a little more insight...

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

I'm attempting to do this with the chapter of my life that involved Jarad, I want to appreciate it, be thankful for it, close it, and step forward in an attempt to have something that is even better than my relationship with Jarad. Again, it is difficult for me to accept that that relationship is out there... when I was loving the 'current situation' so much. Yet, it seems important that I look forward, we are pretty much going on day three of Jarad's strike against me. He's hard to accept that he doesn't even care that I'm ok. Not a text, not an e-mail, not a call. I could of been dead in a ditch somewhere Tuesday morning, and he wouldn't know or care. I guess everyone handles love differently... I accepted it, he has flushed it. It's not really that I'm mad at him, just hurt and having a hard time believing that he flipped the switch that quickly. On Tuesday, August 26th... he loved me. On Sunday, August 30th he stopped.

I just don't have that kind of heart.

Anyway, back on my attempts to be positive, I've talked to my bosses and they've agreed to let me work more hours in a week and build up more vacation. I explained to them that there wasn't a lot for me to go home to, my best friend is out of town, my boyfriend dumped me, and my friends mostly work evenings... so- I'm now for sure working at least an extra 4 hours this week and next week. That gives me another day off, or an afternoon, or basically whenever I want to use it, as long as I get the ok by them.


On a seperate note, I'm back to using this blog as my journal.. all the things I need to talk about will be said on here. I don't care who you are, if you read it, if you don't, why you read it, or why you don't. This is for me, don't waste your time wondering if I'm intentionally writing anything for anyone to read, because I'm not. This is my space and I like to read my feelings, it helps me get grasp on reality, I'm sorry if you don't like it, I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way, or if you do, I don't care if you feel sorry for me, or if you think I'm crazy. I like to write about my emotions and this is where I do it.

Enjoy your day, and remember - give thanks and work towards a better situation.

Hmmm

My Horoscope today says:
LEO (July 23-Aug 22) You will drive your emotional partner crazy today. Try not to jump to conclusions. Don't let your mate bully you into thinking that you owe them your time and your life.

I'm not sure what to make of this... I mean.. Yes, if we were to consider Jarad my partner, I probably am driving him crazy.

I am trying not to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love me, but it's very difficult when he ignores me 100%, but again maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

Jarad has never bullied me into thinking anything, yet... I WANT to give him my time and my life... I don't know.. just thought it was an interesting horoscope for the miserable way I was feeling today.

Hmmmmm, in my world, a lack of communication can create mountains out of mole hills.

Broken

I just wanted to share the irony of me using Jarad's eye drops that he left in my purse, to cure the burning feeling in my eyes from sobbing myself to sleep last night. I just have this terrible sinking sensation that it is actually over, I guess it just kind of hit me last night and man.. did it hit me hard. It's all over. Everything I ever planned for us to do someday, everything that I imagined we would become, everything from our past, present, and future. It's over. I keep thinking that if I type that a few more times it will help me accept it, at this point, I'm very broken.. my life, my heart... all broken... I don't know how to accept it.

The hardest part is knowing that he already has, he has his friends... sitting in that basement every night, keeping him from facing the reality of what it really is. Meanwhile, I have burned too many bridges by staying in Fremont so often, that it's nearly impossibl to just fit back into the routines of my friends, plus most of my friends are in relationships and I have now become a third wheel. All my single friends, are Jarad's friends, therefore... I'm off limits for the time being. So- not only am I broken... I'm lonely and broken.

I hate to sound so negative, so depressed. But for the first time EVER in my life, I know what depression feels like... I know the feeling of thinking that you are pathetic, alone, and unloveable. I know the feeling of being afraid to even talk to your family because they won't understand, they will think you are crazy for feeling so broken over one man.

It's over. I've hit the bottom, so I suppose it can only get better from here... at least.. I hope.

Another Day

An Adorable picture, here's hoping that it's not the last one in the Jarad & Katy Story :(

Talk about inserting foot into mouth... I never ever ever thought that the worries I had on Wednesday, from an argument had on Tuesday, would lead to me being a single chic on Monday. My stomach hasn't stopped turning circles, my heart hasn't stopped beating out of my chest, sleeping and eating are things I have to force myself to do, and it's all because of something that I never should have been worrying about in the first place.

I'm not ready to get married now or anytime in the near future, I'm ready to love Jarad and have fun with him.. just like we have been doing- why I put the pressure of planning that far in the future on myself and on him, I'll never know, but I do know it was a mistake and now he has decided he can't ever make me happy. Which is beyond rediculous, he has ALWAYS made me happy... I just worried about stupid things, and I'll forever regret it. I just keep hoping that if I'm patient (which I'm terrible at) and if I try my hardest to be in his life as a friend for now, if it's what makes him happy, then maybe someday he'll realize what I have... we ARE best friends, we DO do things together, he is ATTENTIVE to what I say and think, we will NEVER be my parents and I'm so glad, because we will be better, he makes me a better person.

(SIGH) I'm so frustrated with myself and this whole situation, why is it so hard for two people to love each other?

The other thing is, is that I have learned some things during this "break" that Jarad and I are taking, have taken... I'm not really sure- but I've learned that I can do things with my friends without him and I can have a fantastic time, I've learned that I can be at my apartment by myself and enjoy it there without him, I agree when he says things were uncomfortably serious, and I've already made changes in my life to fix those stresses that we were putting on each other. I just hope he will realize all of this, before it is too late. Before someone else snatches him up, because he is an amazing person, or before someone attempts to steal my heart again because I am an amazing person. I know at this point some people would say, leave it up to fate.. I'll try, I've prayed about this, I've prayed about us and our present, and our future. I'm just not so great at being patient...

I want to change, because I believe that changes represent knowledge and the ability to learn and grow. I do not consider changing for someone a bad thing, I believe we will need to change and grow, for and with, each other... I just keep praying we get this opportunity.

The Solution

Don't take the people you love for granted. Have fun, be in love and stop worrying about a future you are not ready for. The issue becomes completely unimportant when the person you are in love with is no longer in the picture. Communication will help with the little things. Realizing that you can't live without someone will help with what I once considered an issue... I can only hope and pray now that he will see things in my light.

The Issue

It feels wrong posting this right after a picture of the beautiful roses that I received. However, at this point... Jarad and I have reached a Y in the road, an issue that is extremely important to me, and one I consider to largely affect my future with the man I was already planning a future with.

I am not an independent woman. I don't mean I'm high maintainence or needy... I just mean, I have grown up seeing couples do things together. My parents are best friends, they prefer each others company over anyone elses, they are almost to an extreme of being too close, they barely have seperate friends, my Dad goes to Kiwanis events because it is important to my Mom, and my Mom goes Kiaking in the river because it is important to my Dad, they have learned to love what is important to the other and they spend A Lot of time together.

That being said, I don't know if it is the right way to be in a relationship, but it is the way I know, it is the way I see my parents happy, and it is also what makes me happy... I need a partner who is attentive, who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy... I need give and take. I cannot go my own way, make my own plans, have my own friends, and disregard if he is around or not. I like to be an actual couple, I don't like to be alone, I don't like to sit by myself, I don't like to show up at parties and events by myself, and I don't expect my friends to be my dates to these things. That is what a partner is for, I want my partner to be my best friend, I want him to look forward to seeing me as soon as he can, and I want him to share his burdons and his joys and share mine as well.

I want my partner to choose quality of life, over the fear of not having enough money. Money is always going to be an issue, and part of being an adult is learning to manage that money, but to me another, and more important, part of being an adult is putting those you care about before yourself and your money that you want for your toys. I cannot live my life with a workaholic. I will not love someone whole-heartedly who puts work on such a pedistool that nothing in the world is as important as the job. I fear for my relationship, for the decisions that will continue to be made, and I fear that I will lose the person I love because he doesn't know how to love another person equally. He knows everything else in the entire world, he can build a car from scratch, he can fix every machine ever put in front of him, I have no doubt in the intellegence of the man I love, but I worry about his abillity to open up and care for, love, and put first a wife and possible children in his future.

I suspect that Jarad will never change, and he won't ever understand the importance of loving someone more than anything in the entire world every second of every day. I hate to even mention things like this, but at this moment of dispair, I feel like the only way Jarad will ever be happy is with a woman who is so extremely independent that she will not care how often or when he is around, she will run the show, have all her own friends, her own life, and simply only expect Jarad to financially help provide for her and their kids.

I can never be that woman.

I want my best friend to be interested in me, to appreciate who I am, to be overly involved in my life, just as much as I am overly involved in his.

I don't know how to fix this, I don't think I can even begin to make him understand. I'm not even angry anymore, I'm lost, devestated, and practically hopeless.

Birthday Roses

Yes, you don't have to tell me... He did good! I was actually really surprised when I got the roses at work, I had so many other things on my mind this last week/weekend, I didn't even think about Jarad sending flowers. The picture doesn't even do it justice, it's from my cell phone... but they are beautiful and they smell amazing.

Today is my actual birthday, I'm very fortunate to have so many people who care about me, it seems like I've been sharing my birthday with all of them all month long! My Birthday party last Saturday was perfect, I honestly do not think it could have gone any better, I loved having my family and Jarad's family together, I wasn't even nervous about it, I was a littler nervous about cooking for them all, and the food being good, but having everyone together was really special to me, and especially because they came together FOR me and of course for Jarad.

I don't know what I'll do tonight for my actual birthday, I'm not feeling 100%- I don't know if it is just allergies or if I'm fighting a bug but my throat hasn't seemed clear all day and my head is a little achy. Jarad will be coming to Omaha tonight, so I know at least we will probably go out to eat... other than that, who knows- after seeing Vicki's pictures of the Old Market it sort of made me want to go down there, just because I haven't been for a while, but then we have to fight traffic, etc. - Although, dinner at Speghetti works and a stroll downtown with the nice weather might be a pretty nice and relaxing way to spend the evening of my birthday... hmm...

On a sadder note, Please keep my sister-in-law, Missy- in your thoughts and prayers, she has been in and out of Cancer remetion for the last 3 years, and three years ago on my birthday was when She found out she had cancer, so that kind of sucks, the last update we have had was from about 3 months ago and it was that the cancer is back however it is barely if at all growing, so she wasn't going to do any chemo or anything yet, she has two adorable babies under the age of 2 and didn't need to be feeling like crap, so I guess we will see what today's diagnosis says. My brother and the two children I love most in the world need Missy, so again keep her in your prayers.

Ok, I don't want to cry at work! Plus it is my birthday, and I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to, people keep asking me how I feel about turning 23, my Mom keeps saying it like I'm 30 or something, I guess I don't feel any different... find me at 25 and if life is still exactly like it is now, maybe I'll feel a little different, but I'm happy with life as it is, as a 23 year old.... another couple years and maybe I can dig in the dirt ;)

Happy Birthday to Me! and Enjoy your Day!

In a Perfect World...

Just a slower day at work, leaving me with to much time for the wheels in my head to turn, twist, break, and rebuild.

I've got a terrible desire to be out in the country, like worse than normal, like I want to run out of work and drive straight out to corn fields, grain bins, and fresh air. I don't know why the feeling today is so extreme, but I got to thinking about what I would be doing in a perfect world, and right now I would be digging in a garden outside my home, which in a perfect world would be my Grandparents house. I wouldn't be worrying about how to pay my bills, I would be worrying about the vegetables that I need to grow in order to live off of them and give them to neighbors. I don't want to spend money on fast food anymore, I want to have chickens for eggs, and a garden for vegetables, why not have a cow every year and keep a freezer full of meat? I just think about all the ways I want to live off of my own hard work...

Every Morning when I get just a taste of that fresh morning air, all I can think about is being outside all morning... Doing something on my little farm to provide for myself and the people I love.

It is official, I am supposed to be out in the country, the city life is cramping my style... I appreciate the opportunities and the things I've learned, but now I just count down the days until I can breathe fresh air again.

Ok bear with me as I travel even deeper into dreamy dream land...

I think about how much I love my grandparents house, and how the land it is on has been in my family for over 110 years, I think my Grandma and I figured 117 last time we checked. My Grandpa's parents built a house and lived there, then my Grandma and Grandpa, then my parents right down the road, I want to keep that land and I want to plant my own memories there. I think about how perfect that place would be for me and .... "My signifigant other" ( I don't want to sound too crazy in planning who my husband will be, but I'm quite sure you can guess who is in my farm fantasy)

There is so much room, there are big yards, big trees, big buildings for all the big projects you know who is always working on. There is history and there is work to be done.

So here is a thought that crosses my mind... I talk myself out of it, but it always comes back.

My Grandma is out on that farm by herself right now, and while we would all like to assume that she will be ok by herself, I often wonder why I'm not there with her, they pay someone to drive her around and everyone knows I would gladly do that, there is SO much I could learn from her, I could learn to plant my garden with her supervision, I could try to work part time too, and I could have time to write... write and write and write... being in the country has always inspired words to come to me easier... less distraction, less noise.. Obviously I would need to work to continue to pay off medical bills, etc... but if I didn't have to pay rent it would save a lot. What keeps me from starting this dream?

WHY CAN'T I BE IN JEANS, T-SHIRT, AND A BASEBALL CAP, DIGGING IN THE DIRT RIGHT NOW?

Pura Vida

I have a lot to say about the battle of illeagal immigrants and especially the ordinance that thankfully was not passed in my home town of Fremont. I think everyone is entitled to there own opinion and I respect those who are able to voice it in an educated and professional manner. I also live my life assuming everyone is good, until they prove me wrong, no matter what color their skin is, what language they speak, etc. Yes there are things that Mexican families do that get on my nerves, Yes there are things that White families do that get on my nerves, Yes there are things that Black families do that get on my nerves. Every person deserves a chance to make their lives better and if I can help them do that, I will, and if the people of Fremont can help them do that, they should. Expect that everyone you see and everyone you meet is a good person, and more often they will embrace rather than dissapoint. For a moment replace your best friend with someone who illeagally came to America, they have the same personality, the same love in their hearts, the same morals and values, but they have darker skin and illegally are here trying to live a better life.

Would you tell your friend to leave because they are breaking the law? Or would you offer assistance in order to for your friend to become legal and continue their pursuit of success?

Positive reinforcement, reward those who are working and building a future, assist them, and live in a community that embraces diversity and unity.

Here is a collage of pictures from the City Council Meeting, it is truely a part of history.

Un Mundo, Una Viva, Una Sangre - One World, One Life, One Blood

For Vicki

I've been reading Vicki's blog for quite a while now, and I've noticed how everytime she posts a picture of her flowers, or flowers she sees somewhere, I'm instantly attracted to the bright colors and the quality of the picture. I went back and "took" the pictures from her blog and played with them, I've been using my creative outlet lately to release some stress and all the colors and the way the flowers responded to different design technique was fantastic, I had to combine them all and of course show it to Vicki- Thanks for noticing flowers, taking pictures of them for me to enjoy, and overall thru your blog, letting us all take time to stop and "smell the roses"!

More Projects

I don't know why, but I've been addicted to colors lately... here are some designs I've been playing with, since I downloaded a new design program.