Poor Decisions = Hurting the Person You Love

I feel extremely fortunate to be writing about this in past tense. Though we are both stubborn fools, he forgave me last night and what an emotional rollarcoster it was.



I messed up, it was pretty simple. It was alcohol induced and completely uncalled for. I had been listening to my ex tell me how terrible of a person I was for weeks, and I think it is because he was stressed about moving away to Florida, but either way for some stupid reason I thought it was necessary for us to at least be on friendly terms when he moved away, especially since we have the same circle of friends, I didn't want to lose my friends, which meant I had to tolerate him.

So I explained that I cared for him and he was a good person, I also explained that I was dating the person I thought was perfect for me, but in a drunken ramble on Saturday I told him things that were untrue and over the line for someone with a boyfriend, a wonderful boyfriend. I didn't actually even remember sending the stupid text message, but Jarad not only remembered but sat up all night upset about it as I slept, I felt terrible in the morning when he was upset with me and I didn't even know why, after further investigation I figured it out but by that time, Jarad had made up his mind that I was on a mission to destroy his heart.

This was never the case, I never doubted my feelings for Jarad, I never thought for even a second that I was in love with my ex or that I wanted to be with him instead of Jarad. It was a poor decision, to say the things I did, and seeing Jarad act the way he did, broke my heart. I tried all day Sunday to get Jarad to talk to me, in between sobbing and whining to my friends, I got very little response from him, he wouldn't answer my calls, and only responded twice to the dozens of text messages I was sending him, I thought for sure I had ruined everything. I knew Jarad was stubborn, I mean three years ago we let each other fall off the face of the earth, he really did ignore my calls, texts, e-mails etc for weeks back then till I finally gave up. I thought for sure this time would be no different. However this time, I wasn't going to give up so easily.

After a sleepless Sunday night, and a stressful day of work on Monday, I decided that I had to talk with Jarad face to face, that was all there was too it, and I told him I was coming to Fremont, he told me not to, he told me I was not going to fix this in one day, I agreed but told him I was at least going to start the process of forgiveness, he said no, I said I'll be outside your house when your ready to talk... and I was, I got there shortly after 6pm and I sat in my car, with a sign on the window that said, "I'm here when you're ready, I love you Jarad" - and there I sat, and sat, and sat, it rained and then the sun came out and then the sun went down and I was there in my car outside his front door. I got a few break throughs with text messages but as soon as I thought we were getting somewhere he would tell me to leave, I of course told him, no not this time.

So, the hours went by, his friends came and went from his house of course all knowing what was going on and wishing me luck. Finally it was 10:30pm, and I think enough of his friends had gone in and told him to come out and talk to me, that he did. Angrily, he sat in my car and said you have 5 minutes to say what you have to say. I sobbed and begged him to look at me, I told him I scrwed up and I told him I loved him, it was like all of a sudden 5 minutes was not enough time and I didn't have the right words to use, he broke down... though I thought it nearly impossible to see Jarad cry, there it was.. a tear, and his hand to his face, his voice cracked and he told me to leave, to leave him alone, that he couldn't go through this again, he went to open the door and I reached for him, only for him to pull away and me to crumble over the passenger seat bawling.

To my surprise, he crumbled against his car in the yard also sobbing. I felt like I must have been the absolute worst person in the world, at that moment I was Hitler and Osama, and every other truely terrible person, I broke the man I loved, that sobbing boy in the yard was crumbled because of me. I couldn't handle it, I was responsible for making him feel that way and I was going to be responsible for fixing it. I got out of my car and ran to him, I sat down next to him, but not too close, I knew he didn't want to feel my touch, but I wanted him to feel my presence.

He yelled again for me to leave him alone, that I was doing this to him, and again got up and left me sitting there, this time I didn't know what to do. In my mind the thoughts "for better for worse" came into my head, obviously we are not married, but I loved him and to me this was one of Jarad's worst moments and all I wanted to do was hold him, on the other hand it seemed that when I got close to him, I was the reason for his "worst" - I was torn and so I sat on the steps outside and prayed, when I had composed myself a bit, and thought it possible Jarad had as well, I went to try again, I headed for the garage but stopped when I heard his voice talking to his friend Tim.

I heard, "I love her, I've always loved her." I thought it best not to interrupt this conversation so I sat again, this time on the steps outside the garage. I could hear muffled bits and pieces of Jarad saying, I didn't give her enough attention, I'm not good at showing my feelings, but I should show them to her, I heard him say that he remembered mowing his yard in 9th grade when I pulled up in my truck and he thought to himself, "I'm going to marry that girl" - It sounds like a country love song, but I believe him, We've always loved each other, we just took turns being too blind to see it.

Finally, after a while the garage door starts to open and I hear Jarad say to Tim, "if she's still here, I need to talk to her" - My heart finally came back to life at that moment. We walked over by his truck for a little more privacy and he pulled me into his arms, we hugged for what seemed like hours but still wasn't long enough, when we finally were able to talk, it was a rush of I'm sorrys, though I never ever thought he did anything wrong, I can't say that it wasn't comforting to hear him admit that he doesn't always show his feelings, I know it, and I've accepted it, but because I knew it was difficult for him to say, I Really appreciated it.

I told him that I was in it for the long run, the things I said were never because I didn't love him, but simply because I was trying too hard to make everyone else happy. I've realized now that myself and Jarad are the first people I should consider making happy and everyone else who is actually my friend and actually cares for me will respect that. I have to admit that hugging and kissing Jarad after I was forced to think about never being able to hold him again, was the most amazing feeling in the world. I don't think he has quite yet grasped how important he is to me, but in time I hope we can grow to trust and realize that about each other. My persistance paid off this time, I knew I couldn't just give up on Jarad and I never will. Neither of us are perfect people, but when we first started dating we made a promise to not let stupid mistakes ruin the big picture, the "Jarad and Katy Story" - we made it through this and I believe it has made us stronger, and needless to say, I learned more than one valuable lesson.

I just want to mentally thank all the family and friends who were there for Jarad, and all the family and friends who were there for me, we both agreed that a lot of people stepped up to the plate to give advice, to sit there while we sulked, and to try and make us laugh. It mean's a lot to me, whether you were supporting our relationship or discouraging it, you did it because you care for us and that's always an extremely good feeling.