Not a lot to report, but I got about an hour left at work, with not a lot to do, so I figured I'd spit out a few sentences on here. I love my boyfriend. I love my job. I'm a little frustrated with my living situation, not because of my roomate, I love her, but because it's messy and I have to pay rent, and I'm not there very often, and because it's messy now, I don't want to be there because that just means more work, and I'm tired. I don't know why I've been so tired, I think it's just changing of the seasons and stress catching up with me- when it get's dark so early and is still dark when I wake up, it just kind of makes me tired all the time, plus, I need to get back on the excercise train because that would definately help my energy level, but again it gets dark and I just want to go to bed.. lol.
So, I don't know, I'm pretty content, not everything is where I want it to be, but at least it feels like it's on the right track there, even my finances seem to be at least on a positive track, don't get me wrong, I'm still in a crap load of debt but at least I'm down to two credit cards and they both have decent interest rates, I'll have one three hospital bills paid off by the first of the year, so that leaves me with two left, I don't know- I guess you would have to understand how much I was struggling before to understand how far I've come. I really just feel like life is coming together for me, slowly and it's not there yet, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it looks spectacular.
Well, I'm down to about 30 more minutes. Shouldn't be hard to waste 30 minutes, lol... at least it will be awesome to leave at 3 tomorrow again, the day will go much quicker, plus it's Halloween!
Oh!!! Tonight is a new episode of The Office!!! Can't wait! That show just makes me happy!
Also, time is flying by and I realized that before I know it, Jarad's birthday will be here! What do you buy a guy who has a lot of crazy awesome stuff, but also who wants a lot of crazy awesome stuff? haha - I have an idea, but it is kind of not personal enough, it's something that a friend or family member might get you, but I want to surprise him with something that a girlfriend would get him... and I have no idea what that is yet.. ha - Plus, Thanksgiving is kind of a mile stone for him and I, it's basically our one year anniversary, and god knows we have had some ups and downs in the last year, but we stuck it out and we still want to be together and we still want to put up with our crazyness, and well I love that guy more and more everyday, and not one day in the last 365 have I stopped loving him, to me, that is a milestone and something to celebrate. ( I know to people like our parents, who have been married 30 plus years, it doesn't seem like much) but to me it is still important. My plan is to combine his birthday and anniversary presesnts together, but still what that is, is beyond me!
I just had a few crazy ideas pop in my head, so I'm going to research those for the rest of my 25 minutes. Have a great night, and a scary but fun Halloween!!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
So Maybe... I overreacted...
Yeah, that's right- I'm admitting it. I may have over reacted about the ignoring thing on Thursday, that's not to say that it was right or acceptable in anyway, and I still hate being intentionally left out, which I obviously was on Thursday- But, maybe I shouldn't have let it get to me SO much, I guess I just have a hard time dealing with someone being rude to me, if I deserve it or not, I would never ignore someone I love for an entire night, that's who I am, Jarad can and did, but it doesn't mean he loves me any less... we are just learning how to respond to each other. The good news is, the talk on Friday went really well, we both admitted our faults and agreed to try and work harder at improving them.
I'd have to say I had a really fantastic weekend, Friday night we got to do halloween stuff and hang out with some fantastic people, Saturday we helped them clean up the halloween stuff and it felt really great to help out good people, then of course we watched the game, which is enjoyable and relaxing (especially since we won!) and then after a nap we got up and went to Little Ricki's in North Bend for a couple drinks and some food, I was really happy to go there, really it just makes me happy to be back in our town. Even though I felt a bit like an outsider because the 'regular' north benders, who have never left the town, were all there in their same old click... but it was ok- no beef with them, just not a lot to talk about these days.. So we called it an early night on Saturday because Jarad had to work on Sunday at 6am, but that was more than ok with me, I was still tired from the late night/early morning on Friday, I actually fell asleep on the couch saturday night before Jarad did and he was the one who had to get up early!
Anyway, Sunday was house cleaning day, we had pretty much just lounged in our own filth all day saturday, after having people over on Friday night and then laying around eating and watching the game Saturday, the place was pretty gross, so I made sure Jarad had clean clothes and towels for the week, and picked up the kitchen, living room, and basement, I also asked Chris to mow the yard because I know its one of those things Jarad has been "meaning to do" but it's either been raining or he has been too busy.. anyway, I could tell that it made Jarad really happy to come home Sunday after a long day of work and not have anything to worry about, he had a clean house, a mowed yard, and a happy girlfriend, ha - I beginning to think I spoil that boy... I just can't help it :) I know he works hard, and I know that he does nice things for me, to make my life easier, I just want to do the same for him. Anyway, Sunday we went out for dinner and then hung out in The Cellar for most of the evening, I slept really well Sunday night and woke up on the Right Side of the Bed this morning.. haha I just mean, I had one of those mornings where I stretched and got out of bed and I wasn't running late, and it was just a really good morning.
My whole day hasn't been that cheery, as much as I was hoping it would be, seems like today is the day for stupid people to call and waste my time but oh well, I've made it through so far, and we are down to an hour... well when I started typing that sentence it was an hour and a half, but then I got caught up dong work and now its down to an hour, plus I was 10 minutes early so, I'll probably pack up by 4:45 today :)
So, I suppose I've succesfully wasted another 20 minutes since that last paragraph, just chattin with my fellow cube boys.. ha we were talking about halloween costumes, as they all have little kids that are dressing up, and I told them about my naked person costume.. which obviously sounds weird when you first say it, but I still think it would be pretty awesome... I would be a fully clothed nude person :) haha well actually I doubt I'll dress up at all, but who knows, usually I get creative at the very last minute, and we still have a week before hallows eve!
Bye bye miss american pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was.. Bri... :)
I'd have to say I had a really fantastic weekend, Friday night we got to do halloween stuff and hang out with some fantastic people, Saturday we helped them clean up the halloween stuff and it felt really great to help out good people, then of course we watched the game, which is enjoyable and relaxing (especially since we won!) and then after a nap we got up and went to Little Ricki's in North Bend for a couple drinks and some food, I was really happy to go there, really it just makes me happy to be back in our town. Even though I felt a bit like an outsider because the 'regular' north benders, who have never left the town, were all there in their same old click... but it was ok- no beef with them, just not a lot to talk about these days.. So we called it an early night on Saturday because Jarad had to work on Sunday at 6am, but that was more than ok with me, I was still tired from the late night/early morning on Friday, I actually fell asleep on the couch saturday night before Jarad did and he was the one who had to get up early!
Anyway, Sunday was house cleaning day, we had pretty much just lounged in our own filth all day saturday, after having people over on Friday night and then laying around eating and watching the game Saturday, the place was pretty gross, so I made sure Jarad had clean clothes and towels for the week, and picked up the kitchen, living room, and basement, I also asked Chris to mow the yard because I know its one of those things Jarad has been "meaning to do" but it's either been raining or he has been too busy.. anyway, I could tell that it made Jarad really happy to come home Sunday after a long day of work and not have anything to worry about, he had a clean house, a mowed yard, and a happy girlfriend, ha - I beginning to think I spoil that boy... I just can't help it :) I know he works hard, and I know that he does nice things for me, to make my life easier, I just want to do the same for him. Anyway, Sunday we went out for dinner and then hung out in The Cellar for most of the evening, I slept really well Sunday night and woke up on the Right Side of the Bed this morning.. haha I just mean, I had one of those mornings where I stretched and got out of bed and I wasn't running late, and it was just a really good morning.
My whole day hasn't been that cheery, as much as I was hoping it would be, seems like today is the day for stupid people to call and waste my time but oh well, I've made it through so far, and we are down to an hour... well when I started typing that sentence it was an hour and a half, but then I got caught up dong work and now its down to an hour, plus I was 10 minutes early so, I'll probably pack up by 4:45 today :)
So, I suppose I've succesfully wasted another 20 minutes since that last paragraph, just chattin with my fellow cube boys.. ha we were talking about halloween costumes, as they all have little kids that are dressing up, and I told them about my naked person costume.. which obviously sounds weird when you first say it, but I still think it would be pretty awesome... I would be a fully clothed nude person :) haha well actually I doubt I'll dress up at all, but who knows, usually I get creative at the very last minute, and we still have a week before hallows eve!
Bye bye miss american pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was.. Bri... :)
Friday, October 24, 2008
It's getting old...
You know, sometimes people do things to intentionally hurt you, and it seems like after they do it enough, you start to become numb. I feel like I'm becoming numb again, I'm building a wall to block the pain because that is what I'm being forced to do. Everyone deserves to love someone who loves them back.
Ok, I'm not going to dwell, I'm attempting to stay positive, he can't ignore me forever, eventually he has to step up to the plate like an adult and discuss whatever it is that is going on in his head- and I suppose if he doesn't, then I don't know...
Anyway, The Office was on last night and it was HILARIOUS, seriously probably one of the funniest yet this year. We have been quoting from it at work all morning, and I can't stop laughing... a lot of quotable lines that is for sure. It's interesting because I could even relate to some of the characters in their qwest for love and the battles they were facing. Although we all want to be the happy new love couple that is Holly and Michael, it's never that simple and as much as I hate to say it, they are destined for trouble, rumor has it that Holly is only a temporary character and will only be on a few more epidsodes. Bummer, she portrayed the female version of Michael Scott SO well.
Anyway, work has been great today, I've gotten everything done, and I've gotten in some quality bonding time with my coworkers, sometimes I feel like work is the only thing that is actually a constant in my life, even bad days at work, are nothing compared to the drama I face with everything else in my life. My bosses support me 100%, my coworkers care about my well being, and I work khard for my company because of this, even when I have long days... I still love my job and the people I'm surrounded by. Sometimes I wish I could just stay at work all the time, at least when I'm here, I feel confident about who I am and what I do.
Sometimes a person has to ask themselves.. what am I willing to deal with and what am I not willing to put up with. Well, I've come closer to being strong enough to realize and to state quite clearly, that I will not put up with being ignored. I think it is disrespectful, I think it is immature, and I think that if you want time to think, a space, then at least have the courtesy to tell me that, take time to be mad, take time to think things thru, but I cannot tolerate "the silent treatment" - I will tolerate a lot, I will always forgive, but eventually, if this behavior of ignoring me continues, I will walk away, and when the decision is made to stop ignoring me, I won't be there anymore. Drama doesn't just happen to people, they create it.
Damnit, I'm back on that again... anyway- My friend Michael stopped by my apartment last night and chatted for a while, I love that guy... he is very good and listening and giving advice- he is good at being objective, not passing judgement on anyone, but still telling you what you need to hear. He is very very loyal to his friends and therefore he hardly ever has time for himself, or for his own relationships, someday I know he'll find someone that will treat him as lovingly as he treats everyone and they will be happy together, for his sake I hope it's sooner than later.
He and I decided that we have problems, opposite problems but problems all the same- I want to be in a relationship, I feel a need to have someone to love, he on the other hand runs from relationships and he has a need to keep everyone at a distance. If only we could trade a little of each of these so we could find ourselves more balanced. If only... the magical words that dreamers use.
I am a dreamer that is for sure, take it or leave it, I can come up with a lot of ideas, pick them all apart, try to use them, throw them out the window, I will dream till I can't even see clearly, I have big ideas and little ideas and I want to put them all into play as quickly as possible... which never works.
I'm a beautiful person, I care about the people I love, I will always put them first, I'm silly, I'm a tom boy, I'm sexy, I'm determined, and I'm passionate about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness, I'm a talented writer, and an intellegent and hardworking woman. I'm not cocky, I have a lot of insecurities, my capacity to care for everyone can cause problems, and my ability to be in love with only one person, also seems to cause me problems. The bottom line is this... I'm a good person, who is currently beating herself up for no reason, all because on amazing man is ignoring her. I man who can make or break me, I'm a beautiful person who is about to break.
Ok, I'm not going to dwell, I'm attempting to stay positive, he can't ignore me forever, eventually he has to step up to the plate like an adult and discuss whatever it is that is going on in his head- and I suppose if he doesn't, then I don't know...
Anyway, The Office was on last night and it was HILARIOUS, seriously probably one of the funniest yet this year. We have been quoting from it at work all morning, and I can't stop laughing... a lot of quotable lines that is for sure. It's interesting because I could even relate to some of the characters in their qwest for love and the battles they were facing. Although we all want to be the happy new love couple that is Holly and Michael, it's never that simple and as much as I hate to say it, they are destined for trouble, rumor has it that Holly is only a temporary character and will only be on a few more epidsodes. Bummer, she portrayed the female version of Michael Scott SO well.
Anyway, work has been great today, I've gotten everything done, and I've gotten in some quality bonding time with my coworkers, sometimes I feel like work is the only thing that is actually a constant in my life, even bad days at work, are nothing compared to the drama I face with everything else in my life. My bosses support me 100%, my coworkers care about my well being, and I work khard for my company because of this, even when I have long days... I still love my job and the people I'm surrounded by. Sometimes I wish I could just stay at work all the time, at least when I'm here, I feel confident about who I am and what I do.
Sometimes a person has to ask themselves.. what am I willing to deal with and what am I not willing to put up with. Well, I've come closer to being strong enough to realize and to state quite clearly, that I will not put up with being ignored. I think it is disrespectful, I think it is immature, and I think that if you want time to think, a space, then at least have the courtesy to tell me that, take time to be mad, take time to think things thru, but I cannot tolerate "the silent treatment" - I will tolerate a lot, I will always forgive, but eventually, if this behavior of ignoring me continues, I will walk away, and when the decision is made to stop ignoring me, I won't be there anymore. Drama doesn't just happen to people, they create it.
Damnit, I'm back on that again... anyway- My friend Michael stopped by my apartment last night and chatted for a while, I love that guy... he is very good and listening and giving advice- he is good at being objective, not passing judgement on anyone, but still telling you what you need to hear. He is very very loyal to his friends and therefore he hardly ever has time for himself, or for his own relationships, someday I know he'll find someone that will treat him as lovingly as he treats everyone and they will be happy together, for his sake I hope it's sooner than later.
He and I decided that we have problems, opposite problems but problems all the same- I want to be in a relationship, I feel a need to have someone to love, he on the other hand runs from relationships and he has a need to keep everyone at a distance. If only we could trade a little of each of these so we could find ourselves more balanced. If only... the magical words that dreamers use.
I am a dreamer that is for sure, take it or leave it, I can come up with a lot of ideas, pick them all apart, try to use them, throw them out the window, I will dream till I can't even see clearly, I have big ideas and little ideas and I want to put them all into play as quickly as possible... which never works.
I'm a beautiful person, I care about the people I love, I will always put them first, I'm silly, I'm a tom boy, I'm sexy, I'm determined, and I'm passionate about love, life, and the pursuit of happiness, I'm a talented writer, and an intellegent and hardworking woman. I'm not cocky, I have a lot of insecurities, my capacity to care for everyone can cause problems, and my ability to be in love with only one person, also seems to cause me problems. The bottom line is this... I'm a good person, who is currently beating herself up for no reason, all because on amazing man is ignoring her. I man who can make or break me, I'm a beautiful person who is about to break.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
BLAH
Today kind of really sucks. First of all, I do not feel well, I didn't get much sleep, Jarad is pissed at me for no good reason, and the day is DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGING on.
I'm going to write this on here, in the slight chance that Jarad might read it, I have nothing to hide, He text me on tuesday asking me to send a tshirt he apparently left at my apartment, he said he would pay me for shipping, I said you don't have to pay me because I'll just send it from work, and he said that would be awesome thanks, I said no problem. End of conversation, first time I've talked to him since he left, I didn't tell Jarad on Tuesday because I forgot it even happened, and I haven't sent the t-shirt yet because I haven't been home to even look for it, and in fact I probably would have even forgot to send it, if Jarad hadn't gone through my phone and got upset about something he didn't understand. The reason I deleted my other messages is because my inbox gets full very quickly, not because I get or send a lot of messages but because I save the ones that Jarad sends me that are sweet or important to me, therefore I don't have a lot of space and I have to delete my messages often.
Big drama for no good reason. Of course, Jarad isn't going to believe me, he never does and probably never will, and I don't know how to fix that, if he could just trust me, then he wouldn't have gotten so upset last night, but he doesn't and it breaks my heart.
However, I'm sure if I wouldn't have been drinking yesterday, I would have been able to explain that, I seriously am going to quit for a while, I hate the bull shit that seems to follow me when I drink too much. Ugh.
So now, I sit here and worry... because I have no idea what is going thru his head, but I'm kind of annoyed with the way it was handled, at the same time, it feels like Jarad could up and walk out of my life at any given moment, why does it seem like I'm holding my breath so often with that boy? I can only hope that we find each other on that gravel road again.
I love him, it's messy, it's scary, it keeps me up all night, but I haven't ever felt this way for anyone, so he's worth it, he is important, he is Jarad and I love him.
I'm going to write this on here, in the slight chance that Jarad might read it, I have nothing to hide, He text me on tuesday asking me to send a tshirt he apparently left at my apartment, he said he would pay me for shipping, I said you don't have to pay me because I'll just send it from work, and he said that would be awesome thanks, I said no problem. End of conversation, first time I've talked to him since he left, I didn't tell Jarad on Tuesday because I forgot it even happened, and I haven't sent the t-shirt yet because I haven't been home to even look for it, and in fact I probably would have even forgot to send it, if Jarad hadn't gone through my phone and got upset about something he didn't understand. The reason I deleted my other messages is because my inbox gets full very quickly, not because I get or send a lot of messages but because I save the ones that Jarad sends me that are sweet or important to me, therefore I don't have a lot of space and I have to delete my messages often.
Big drama for no good reason. Of course, Jarad isn't going to believe me, he never does and probably never will, and I don't know how to fix that, if he could just trust me, then he wouldn't have gotten so upset last night, but he doesn't and it breaks my heart.
However, I'm sure if I wouldn't have been drinking yesterday, I would have been able to explain that, I seriously am going to quit for a while, I hate the bull shit that seems to follow me when I drink too much. Ugh.
So now, I sit here and worry... because I have no idea what is going thru his head, but I'm kind of annoyed with the way it was handled, at the same time, it feels like Jarad could up and walk out of my life at any given moment, why does it seem like I'm holding my breath so often with that boy? I can only hope that we find each other on that gravel road again.
I love him, it's messy, it's scary, it keeps me up all night, but I haven't ever felt this way for anyone, so he's worth it, he is important, he is Jarad and I love him.
Monday, October 20, 2008
No News is Good News...
This picture is old, but I thought it was funny when I came across it (no worries, nothing scary is actually happening...)
Here is one from my birthday party, it was taken on a disposable camera so that's why we are BRIGHT WHITE!! But still a cute picture..
Another random picture, He is so smug... hehe
Here is one from my birthday party, it was taken on a disposable camera so that's why we are BRIGHT WHITE!! But still a cute picture..
Another random picture, He is so smug... hehe
I don't have a lot to report today, which I suppose is probably a great thing! I had a fantastic weekend, got to relax, spend time with friends, and of course spend time with Jarad :) - he had to work all weekend which is kind of a bummer because I worry about him getting enough sleep, but overall I don't think it was too bad, we went out but came home at semi-decent times and then on Saturday Jarad was able to take a 3 hour nap so I'm hoping that helped as well, plus Sunday afternoon/evening we just lounged and watched random tv shows that hooked our attention, I loved it, once in a while Lazy Days with Jarad seem to be just what we both need.
So, yep pretty good weekend, the "conversation" I mentioned last blog did not go as I had intended but that's not to say that it didn't end up being productive, it just took a little longer to get to the productive part and through the upset/angry part... but I think it was good in the end and ultimately it was handled quite well by both Jarad and myself. It's important to think about the actual person in front of you and not so much about minor issues, but it's something we all do and just have to work thru.
I find myself thinking about the future again and while I try not to get ahead of myself, sometimes it's difficult, I guess it just feels like I'm exactly where I want to be, I'm with the person I want to be with, and I want to lock in this feeling, I know that is impossible, but because I've found something in my life that I want and expect to be so permanent it is difficult not to think towards the future. I guess what I need to do is think near future not far future, next month, maybe the holidays, one week at a time.. haha
Well, enjoy your day, I certainly have :)
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Communication.
I never thought that keeping the person you love up to date on day to day happenings would be difficult. Well actually, I still don't think it is difficult, for me. For Jarad on the other hand, seems to be an impossible task. Sometimes I just feel like I'll never be important enough to be a part of his world, the Jarad world, where he is the only citizen.
To clarify, I love him, I'll always love him, this frustration is simply that, a frustration, it's not earth shattering, it doesn't make me question our relationship or our future. I just want to better understand the workings of how and why he communicates the way he does.
A simple text could have prevented the whole thing, I sent him a message saying what I was doing and he could have sent me one back, instead I didn't hear from him till 11pm when he was going to bed. I talked about him the whole night, I felt bad for him because I thought he was hard at work, I don't know- I'm not asking for the world.. just a little respect for my feelings.
I know that I have a hard time being alone, but last night I had a great night with my roomate and friends, I have no problem doing that more, if Jarad wants guy night, or truck night, or sit at home and watch pointless tv by myself night, I don't care what it is.. if he wants a night away from me, I can be More than ok with that... as long as he communicates with me, a couple text messages maybe a call before bed or at least in the evening to talk about our day, I just sometimes still get that "out of sight, out of mind" feeling from him.
Again, I don't want to sound like my life is terrible and I'm a big whiner... My life is fantastic, I love Jarad, but no one is perfect, and sometimes when I'm frustrated and I write about it, it is easier for me to re-read what I'm frustrated about and think about it objectively and/or find a solution.
I want to have an adult one on one coversation with my sweet sweet Jarad, I hope that we can explain to each other what we do and why we do it and hopefully come to an understanding of the communication problem. I know that both Jarad and I are capable of having these productive talks, it's just a matter of making sure he is in the right frame of mind and sometimes that is not as easy as it sounds. Any chain of events can flip the switch with him and there is no point in trying to have a productive conversation with him if he has had a bad day, in a bad mood, or tired....
The other slight situation I'm throwing around in my head has to do with "family dinners" which in the Chrisman family are frequent and important. I love those family dinners.. but I apparently am not yet invited back to attend them... that part doesn't really bother me, I understand that I am not part of the family, and especially with all the drama of the last month and a half, there just hasn't been quite enough time for everything to settle.
The problem arose when Jarad told me about the dinner in excitement for mash potatoes and then said, "you could come" - I don't know how to take that... and I told him I was going to "crash" the dinner, if Vicki told him it was ok to invite me that is one thing, or if he told her he would like me to come that would be fine too, but considering that "you could come" is neither an invitation or a request... I didn't feel comfortable with it, maybe.. no probably.. I'm making a big deal over nothing... but here is the second half of why this bothers me... I decided that it wasn't a big deal, that I would be happy to go and if Jarad wanted me to go then I would, regardless of how he asked me or if he told his Mom, so yesterday I assumed I would probabaly go.. and then last night he told me he would "just come to Omaha after dinner." Which then to me means, "you are not invited to dinner" but I'm realizing to Jarad he probably thought he was making me happy because he was actually going to come to my apartment instead of me always going to his house. Ugh... communication mishap #9,823,749,832,729,852,985,729,845,438,957,389,453,749,853,479,843,538,939,485,739,845 and counting....
So now what? In simple terms- My feelings are kind of hurt because I was invited and then uninvited, and I was ignored for most of the night last night.
Do I suck it up and go on like everything is fine? I mean this isn't kindercare, Jarad isn't going to go in time out for hurting my feelings, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. BUT - how many times will it happen again in the future? How many of my feelings will hurt until they all just break? That is what I want to avoid, a major meltdown caused by too many little drips in the pipes. Then again, how many little drips should I fix? You know everyone always says you have to pick your battles and I think I'm typically pretty good at picking the important ones... this time I'm just not sure.
Ok, so at this point, I've re-read this about three times and everytime it seems more and more trivial, I've decided a coversation will have to be had between Jarad and I, however it can and will be short, not an arguement, not even a bunch of apologies, a short explination of how I felt and why, and hope that it enlightens him and prevents future broken feelings.
Gosh, I love that guy, I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love someone....
To clarify, I love him, I'll always love him, this frustration is simply that, a frustration, it's not earth shattering, it doesn't make me question our relationship or our future. I just want to better understand the workings of how and why he communicates the way he does.
A simple text could have prevented the whole thing, I sent him a message saying what I was doing and he could have sent me one back, instead I didn't hear from him till 11pm when he was going to bed. I talked about him the whole night, I felt bad for him because I thought he was hard at work, I don't know- I'm not asking for the world.. just a little respect for my feelings.
I know that I have a hard time being alone, but last night I had a great night with my roomate and friends, I have no problem doing that more, if Jarad wants guy night, or truck night, or sit at home and watch pointless tv by myself night, I don't care what it is.. if he wants a night away from me, I can be More than ok with that... as long as he communicates with me, a couple text messages maybe a call before bed or at least in the evening to talk about our day, I just sometimes still get that "out of sight, out of mind" feeling from him.
Again, I don't want to sound like my life is terrible and I'm a big whiner... My life is fantastic, I love Jarad, but no one is perfect, and sometimes when I'm frustrated and I write about it, it is easier for me to re-read what I'm frustrated about and think about it objectively and/or find a solution.
I want to have an adult one on one coversation with my sweet sweet Jarad, I hope that we can explain to each other what we do and why we do it and hopefully come to an understanding of the communication problem. I know that both Jarad and I are capable of having these productive talks, it's just a matter of making sure he is in the right frame of mind and sometimes that is not as easy as it sounds. Any chain of events can flip the switch with him and there is no point in trying to have a productive conversation with him if he has had a bad day, in a bad mood, or tired....
The other slight situation I'm throwing around in my head has to do with "family dinners" which in the Chrisman family are frequent and important. I love those family dinners.. but I apparently am not yet invited back to attend them... that part doesn't really bother me, I understand that I am not part of the family, and especially with all the drama of the last month and a half, there just hasn't been quite enough time for everything to settle.
The problem arose when Jarad told me about the dinner in excitement for mash potatoes and then said, "you could come" - I don't know how to take that... and I told him I was going to "crash" the dinner, if Vicki told him it was ok to invite me that is one thing, or if he told her he would like me to come that would be fine too, but considering that "you could come" is neither an invitation or a request... I didn't feel comfortable with it, maybe.. no probably.. I'm making a big deal over nothing... but here is the second half of why this bothers me... I decided that it wasn't a big deal, that I would be happy to go and if Jarad wanted me to go then I would, regardless of how he asked me or if he told his Mom, so yesterday I assumed I would probabaly go.. and then last night he told me he would "just come to Omaha after dinner." Which then to me means, "you are not invited to dinner" but I'm realizing to Jarad he probably thought he was making me happy because he was actually going to come to my apartment instead of me always going to his house. Ugh... communication mishap #9,823,749,832,729,852,985,729,845,438,957,389,453,749,853,479,843,538,939,485,739,845 and counting....
So now what? In simple terms- My feelings are kind of hurt because I was invited and then uninvited, and I was ignored for most of the night last night.
Do I suck it up and go on like everything is fine? I mean this isn't kindercare, Jarad isn't going to go in time out for hurting my feelings, the world keeps spinning and life goes on. BUT - how many times will it happen again in the future? How many of my feelings will hurt until they all just break? That is what I want to avoid, a major meltdown caused by too many little drips in the pipes. Then again, how many little drips should I fix? You know everyone always says you have to pick your battles and I think I'm typically pretty good at picking the important ones... this time I'm just not sure.
Ok, so at this point, I've re-read this about three times and everytime it seems more and more trivial, I've decided a coversation will have to be had between Jarad and I, however it can and will be short, not an arguement, not even a bunch of apologies, a short explination of how I felt and why, and hope that it enlightens him and prevents future broken feelings.
Gosh, I love that guy, I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love someone....
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Classic J & K
I just loved this picture SO much, it was during a break while Jarad and I were building "The Cellar" aka the bar in his basement. We are both covered in paint, dirt, and sweat, he was about to pull me off my bar stool, and I'm holding on to him... it's kind Jarad and Kate in their "natural habitat" hahaPriceless...
This picture cracks me up, the facial expressions the randomness, the ability to capture everything I love about small town living and about these people.
The fact that they even all stopped for the 30 seconds it took me to snap this picture is amazing enough, then there is the fact that we are in a very old shed, looking thru very old stuff, it was very late at night, and obviously a little chilly out, a couple people had beer, we all had hoodies and ripped pants, it was pitch dark except for our flashlights and the flash on my camera, how did Tanner know to poke his head right there between Kyle and Jarad? I cropped this particular picture to focus on the important people in it, but I could go on and on and on about all the rediculous and awesome details in the full picture. In fact, I probably will... I'm feeling a little inspired to write just based on the capture of this moment. I thank Jarad for recommending we take the camara and buying batteries for it... That $.94 cent purchase was worth more than he'll ever realize after looking at this picture.
Obviously, I'm a little biased... but I think Jarad has the most absolutely rediculously sexiest smirk on his face. (Not to mention he is sporting MY college alum sweatshirt). Christopher looks jolly and baby-faced..like always, Allison is hyper and demanding and glad to be goofy, Kyle.. well? That's Kyle. And again, suprisingly Tanner's head popped in from the background.. no doubt he was yelling something random and a bit raunchy. The song, "Small town, Saturday Night" - Just popped into my head. I am in love with this life, with this picture and every single detail it represents, it makes me wonder what face I would be making, how I would describe my look and my feelings if I were in front instead of behind the camera?
I had on my nebraska hoodie and striped purple and blue stocking cap that didn't match but was warm, comfortable, and kept dirt off my head when climbing thru the old barns and the trees and overgrown weeds. I had my own flashlight, with new batteries, no way in hell I'm getting stuck out there in the dark, with my friends who know I jump faster and higher than a bouncy ball, when I get spooked. For some of us that old abandoned farm house was new and scary and exciting, and for others who had been there more times than they could count on all fingers, it was familiar and more thrilling to watch the others explore than to actually even go in yourself.
Ok, sorry I was on a role with capturing that moment. I'll write more later, but for now... I'll talk about some other fun ideas and things that seem to be hip-happening. First of all, score more points for Jarad... he didn't back down to his roomate last night, to avoid talking crap about him I will spare the details- but ultimately he said - I don't want her here, my girlfriend is going to be here, and Jarad called me and told me to come over as we had originally planned anyway. YAY! Ultimately, there was no drama at least last night, roomate and his gf left when I got there, then we left to grab a salad at the BK Lounge (I'll explain more on that later) and then we ran to Wal-Mart so I could buy a book light (again more explination needed on that) but by the time we got back to Jarads, they were upstairs in roomates room, and we hung out in The Cellar for a while looking thru Jarad's new music download program, and reminicising about music from our younger years. All in all - I had a great night, it's too bad that roomate and girlfriend have to be Soooooo up tight about everything, especially since I have tried to apologize for anything I may have said or done to them ( I still think they owe me apologies as well) but eh- I don't hold grudges.
Ok now to back track a bit- I told you about my weight loss goal, well apparently Jarad is jumping on board with me, because last night he announced that he wanted to eat healthy and thought we should just go have salads for dinner. I was more than happy about that, AND I got to drive Jarad's truck AND I did a good job at it! It's not that it's all that hard, it's just different than my little Neon, and it's got a few other bells and whistles that I had to adjust to. Plus it's A LOT Bigger than anything I've driven for a while. Jarad was a very patient and fantastic teacher, and he was very encouraging, so I even drove it out to Wally world! I'd love to drive the truck all over North Bend and/or out in the country, I just get nervous driving big and loud trucks in town with all the other cars around me. I feel good though because Jarad has been asking me if I want to drive that thing since the day he got it and I was always too nervous, but since he has put so much work into it and it runs sooo perfectly now, I just couldn't resist but give it a try :)
So, then we went to wal-mart and of course my dear sweet Jarad and his obsession with Flashlights led me right to the isle with all the flash lights, however- after much investigation over which is the best flashlight there and if his were better.. we did not find a book light in that isle, so we wandered around a big, looked at electronics, listened to some night time wal mart workers discuss their skill on the video game Rock Band, and eventually we came across a cheap little book light in the "lighting center" it was a stand by the check out registers, it was the only one and I wasn't impressed but it was $1.47 so I figured what the heck... just as I'm about to check out, I stopped and looked at all the little gadgets directly across from the check out, lotions, lighters, sprays, dog toys, kid toys, and as I was considering if I needed more chap stick, Jarad says, Hey Book Lights- these ones were about 4 bucks but looked ALOT nicer and so I bought that one instead, with some batteries, and I was happy. The story about the book light is, I like to read in bed, but I don't have a lamp by my bed at my apartment and when I stay at Jarad's he does not have a lamp either AND I don't want to keep him awake with the light on, so he suggested a book light. It served it's purpose very well last night. :)
Ok, so summary time- I came over even tho Roomate said No which is a positive step forward for Jarad and I, I drove the truck which was awesome, we ate salad which was healthy, I bought a book light which was practical and helpful, We listened to good music and had great conversation. I guess you could say I'm a pretty happy little camper :)
If you didn't notice by now, that this blog is REDICULOUSLY long, then I'm pretty entertaining, but if you have noticed, it is because work is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow today. In an office which usually has 25-30 people in it every day, we only have about 7 people here. There are meetings at a different location today for all the agents in the office, and some of the staff go as well.. so there are the lucky few of us that get to stay and hold down the fort and it is BORING!!! Oh well, it's also easy and relaxing and it allows me to write blogs that are like novels :)
I'm going to end this one for now, but Love Peace and Happiness to You all!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Life as a 12 Step Program
I once referred to Jarad as a "12 Step Program" - at the time I said we were only on step 3 and I was obviously meaning this as a joke.. but the more I thought about it, the more I applied a 12 step program to my life in general, and I realized how it helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, there are probably A LOT more than 12 steps in my "Life Program" but we'll start there for now.. haha - On a happy note, I would move Jarad and I up to about step 9 now... I am still working on being more confident in myself, but it seems like he is starting to respond to me again, nothing happens overnight, but I'm feeling a lot more confident in the whole thing...
It amazes me how sometimes the littlest things can mean so much, just a few words can let you know that you really matter. I know that when I type out the words, no one will find them as special as I do, but I want to write them anyway, because I want to remember... "I'm just happy My Kate is here..." He didn't know how special that made me feel, and maybe I should have done more to tell him or show him, but I think just the comfort of being next to each other was what he needed at that moment and I wanted nothing else, in fact I felt like I would never need anything else but that sweet boy and his hand on my side as we laid next to each other.
It is kind of amazing the way we reverse roles, sometimes I feel like I look up to him, he is so impressive and so smart and so responsible, I'm amazed and envious of him and I want to work hard and learn from all the things that he is so good at, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him like that, but once in a while - that oh so impressive man just needs a little TLC, and all of a sudden he reaches for me.. almost like he is reaching for a gasp of air out of water... like he just needs to hold on for a minute and maybe I can be the solid structure in his world that won't spin. I want to be that structure, I want to be that more than anything and vice versa- I want to be able to reach for him and hold on for dear life when things seem to spin. I feel like someday we will reach that point.
I feel like, we have always been meant to help each other and find that point together, we just had to spin alone and now we have to spin together for a while first.
That isn't to say that we don't still have obstacles, I know for a fact that while we have started perfecting "Jarad and Kate" - we still have to work on the outside world... my family, his family, my friends, his friends- in a perfect world... everyone who loves me would love him and everyone who loves him would love me. Well, HA We all know it's not a perfect world. Here's hoping that at least the people who truely matter can look past our previous issues. I mean, no one is perfect, I've attempted to make my apologies where apologies were required, and now it's a matter of time and forgivness, I suppose.
I feel terrible that Jarad has had so much stress put on him from so many directions. I have attempted to stop the stress from my end, but there is only so much I can do, but when I look at him and I see him so exhausted and moody it breaks my heart, I would do anything to fix every problem for Jarad, even the little tiny ones, I just want him to be as happy as possible.
Anyway, it's a rollarcoaster right now, I approach every night with an open mind because I have no idea what his mood might be, what he might need or not need, and if that includes me. Again, to avoid stress as much as possible, I leave the opportunity open for him, he can reach out to me as needed and you know I always hope he does, but if/when the time comes that he needs me to back off for the evening, I will do my best to be understanding, I just hope he approaches the situation with respect and concern for both our well being, just like I have. I have faith in him though, when there is a connection between two people like the connection Jarad and I have... it will work itself out, it kind of just Has to.
I suppose there isn't a lot else to report- besides the love of my life, I've set a new weight loss goal for myself, I want to lose 15lbs by Thanksgiving. It hasn't been going perfectly yet, but I'm pretty sure I can do it. I just need to get my butt to our weight room at my apartment complex. I don't know why the place seems so scary but I find something else better to do everytime! Maybe tonight.... ha who knows... I'm trying to recruit people to go with me, I'd love to work out with Jarad but I get the feeling we both might be awkward about this for at least the beginning.. I don't know, I was hoping he could show me a few things... but I've found that I'm usually more productive when I'm by myself - only because I'm not embarassed that I'm doing things wrong or that I look funny.. I just do it.
I DID get my new book in the mail that I ordered online and so far I really like it, it's a bunch of short fiction stories all by authors from Nebraska, the book is thicker than I had expected but that's a good thing, it will last me a little longer that way. Unlike the book I read the other weekend, that I finished in one day!
Hmm, ok so good reports from across the board- Jarad - Check, Health & Weight loss - Check, Mind Stimulation/Books - Check, Hmmm - Let's pray for good things to continue to come my way! (Speaking of... church should be my next check mark goal) I'll let you know how that goes, one good day at a time :)
Good Luck with YOUR 12 Step Life Program!
It amazes me how sometimes the littlest things can mean so much, just a few words can let you know that you really matter. I know that when I type out the words, no one will find them as special as I do, but I want to write them anyway, because I want to remember... "I'm just happy My Kate is here..." He didn't know how special that made me feel, and maybe I should have done more to tell him or show him, but I think just the comfort of being next to each other was what he needed at that moment and I wanted nothing else, in fact I felt like I would never need anything else but that sweet boy and his hand on my side as we laid next to each other.
It is kind of amazing the way we reverse roles, sometimes I feel like I look up to him, he is so impressive and so smart and so responsible, I'm amazed and envious of him and I want to work hard and learn from all the things that he is so good at, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer him like that, but once in a while - that oh so impressive man just needs a little TLC, and all of a sudden he reaches for me.. almost like he is reaching for a gasp of air out of water... like he just needs to hold on for a minute and maybe I can be the solid structure in his world that won't spin. I want to be that structure, I want to be that more than anything and vice versa- I want to be able to reach for him and hold on for dear life when things seem to spin. I feel like someday we will reach that point.
I feel like, we have always been meant to help each other and find that point together, we just had to spin alone and now we have to spin together for a while first.
That isn't to say that we don't still have obstacles, I know for a fact that while we have started perfecting "Jarad and Kate" - we still have to work on the outside world... my family, his family, my friends, his friends- in a perfect world... everyone who loves me would love him and everyone who loves him would love me. Well, HA We all know it's not a perfect world. Here's hoping that at least the people who truely matter can look past our previous issues. I mean, no one is perfect, I've attempted to make my apologies where apologies were required, and now it's a matter of time and forgivness, I suppose.
I feel terrible that Jarad has had so much stress put on him from so many directions. I have attempted to stop the stress from my end, but there is only so much I can do, but when I look at him and I see him so exhausted and moody it breaks my heart, I would do anything to fix every problem for Jarad, even the little tiny ones, I just want him to be as happy as possible.
Anyway, it's a rollarcoaster right now, I approach every night with an open mind because I have no idea what his mood might be, what he might need or not need, and if that includes me. Again, to avoid stress as much as possible, I leave the opportunity open for him, he can reach out to me as needed and you know I always hope he does, but if/when the time comes that he needs me to back off for the evening, I will do my best to be understanding, I just hope he approaches the situation with respect and concern for both our well being, just like I have. I have faith in him though, when there is a connection between two people like the connection Jarad and I have... it will work itself out, it kind of just Has to.
I suppose there isn't a lot else to report- besides the love of my life, I've set a new weight loss goal for myself, I want to lose 15lbs by Thanksgiving. It hasn't been going perfectly yet, but I'm pretty sure I can do it. I just need to get my butt to our weight room at my apartment complex. I don't know why the place seems so scary but I find something else better to do everytime! Maybe tonight.... ha who knows... I'm trying to recruit people to go with me, I'd love to work out with Jarad but I get the feeling we both might be awkward about this for at least the beginning.. I don't know, I was hoping he could show me a few things... but I've found that I'm usually more productive when I'm by myself - only because I'm not embarassed that I'm doing things wrong or that I look funny.. I just do it.
I DID get my new book in the mail that I ordered online and so far I really like it, it's a bunch of short fiction stories all by authors from Nebraska, the book is thicker than I had expected but that's a good thing, it will last me a little longer that way. Unlike the book I read the other weekend, that I finished in one day!
Hmm, ok so good reports from across the board- Jarad - Check, Health & Weight loss - Check, Mind Stimulation/Books - Check, Hmmm - Let's pray for good things to continue to come my way! (Speaking of... church should be my next check mark goal) I'll let you know how that goes, one good day at a time :)
Good Luck with YOUR 12 Step Life Program!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Monophobia - Fear of being alone
Yes, I truely believe I have a disorder... I don't know where it stems from exactly- but I really do have panic attacks when I'm ignored and left alone. If I can have the comfort that I could reach out to Jarad and he would answer, I would probably be less anxious... but he has chosen to take the position that ignoring me will reduce his stress. Thus sending me into a frenzy. I'm not blaming Jarad for my issues, because I clearly do have issues, and I am seriously considering professional help, but the way the situation is currently being addressed is wounding me.
Ok, so I don't know what my problem is... but there isn't enough coffee in the world to make me stop yawning this morning, I slept ok, but I did NOT want to get out of bed, it was warm and comfy and my room was cold and dark, the perfect ingredients for sleep.. lol
I am attempting to create hobbies for myself, I want to be active and have things to do with other people, I don't know how to be alone and somewhere along the road I lost my ability to be independent, I'm outgoing and more than capable of completing things on my own, it's just that feeling of abandonment, the idea that someone can turn away from me so easily, can take me out of their world and not look back, it scares the crap out of me...
So I'm writing this blog throughout the day today, I just minimize the window do some other work and then come back to it, so if it seems scattered that's because it is.
I'd like to just chalk last night up to "an off night" - one of the many challenges that will come to face Jarad and I on our road to recovery. The problem is that I worry that Jarad chalks it up to another reason he shouldn't be with me. I need to have faith in us, and I don't know why I'm so convinced that he is going to up and leave me. He cares for me and I care for him, we have made that clear on more than one occasion, we are ok, and I just need to keep telling myself that. We are going to be Ok... Why does Jarad make me lose my confidence? He is the only person who has ever been able to shake me up so much... To me, that means something.
Soooooooo, what else? I'm going to start studying to get my insurance license, and I'm going to be working a few extra hours, and I'm going to (once again) focus on myself, finding myself, finding out who I am in order to be a better person, a better friend, and a better girlfriend to Jarad... if he'll keep me. I'm looking into volleyball leagues, working out, roomate night, I'm buying new books, and pushing myself to write more or at least studying techniques to fight writers block, I'm scheduling time for Chloe at the dog park, and nights with my family, even small group nights at church, I'm trying to become whole, so that my whole self and Jarad's whole self can become whole together.
It's just not easy to realize that you have spent most of your life being someone else's half... and not even anyone particular, I jumped from one person to the next leaning on them to entertain me, make me happy, and show me things THEY liked... it was easy and I learned a lot... but now it is time for me to become, well, Me.
The thing is... I still think that Jarad is a big part of my life, and will always be a big part of my life, I want a future with him... I just don't know if he can face these challenges with me right now, and again that scares the crap out of me...
I've been busy now for a while and I can't/don't want to remember what I was talking about, so I'm going to publish this post for now, chances are- I may be back.
Ok, so I don't know what my problem is... but there isn't enough coffee in the world to make me stop yawning this morning, I slept ok, but I did NOT want to get out of bed, it was warm and comfy and my room was cold and dark, the perfect ingredients for sleep.. lol
I am attempting to create hobbies for myself, I want to be active and have things to do with other people, I don't know how to be alone and somewhere along the road I lost my ability to be independent, I'm outgoing and more than capable of completing things on my own, it's just that feeling of abandonment, the idea that someone can turn away from me so easily, can take me out of their world and not look back, it scares the crap out of me...
So I'm writing this blog throughout the day today, I just minimize the window do some other work and then come back to it, so if it seems scattered that's because it is.
I'd like to just chalk last night up to "an off night" - one of the many challenges that will come to face Jarad and I on our road to recovery. The problem is that I worry that Jarad chalks it up to another reason he shouldn't be with me. I need to have faith in us, and I don't know why I'm so convinced that he is going to up and leave me. He cares for me and I care for him, we have made that clear on more than one occasion, we are ok, and I just need to keep telling myself that. We are going to be Ok... Why does Jarad make me lose my confidence? He is the only person who has ever been able to shake me up so much... To me, that means something.
Soooooooo, what else? I'm going to start studying to get my insurance license, and I'm going to be working a few extra hours, and I'm going to (once again) focus on myself, finding myself, finding out who I am in order to be a better person, a better friend, and a better girlfriend to Jarad... if he'll keep me. I'm looking into volleyball leagues, working out, roomate night, I'm buying new books, and pushing myself to write more or at least studying techniques to fight writers block, I'm scheduling time for Chloe at the dog park, and nights with my family, even small group nights at church, I'm trying to become whole, so that my whole self and Jarad's whole self can become whole together.
It's just not easy to realize that you have spent most of your life being someone else's half... and not even anyone particular, I jumped from one person to the next leaning on them to entertain me, make me happy, and show me things THEY liked... it was easy and I learned a lot... but now it is time for me to become, well, Me.
The thing is... I still think that Jarad is a big part of my life, and will always be a big part of my life, I want a future with him... I just don't know if he can face these challenges with me right now, and again that scares the crap out of me...
I've been busy now for a while and I can't/don't want to remember what I was talking about, so I'm going to publish this post for now, chances are- I may be back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
