Celebrating Little Victories!

It's been a busy day, so I'm posting a lot later in the day than normal, in fact I'm about to head out of here in 15 minutes, but I've wrapped everything up for the day, and I feel very productive! I don't think there is a lot going on tonight, and I'm glad... I might clean out my car, or I might curl up in the hammock and read another book like I did yesterday :) - Good things are finally happening in my life, they aren't exactly monumental, but every little thing counts, and every little thing that he says or does or feels, lights up my day...

There is still a road of healing and growing in front of us, but I'm still praying that we travel that long road together, always... I don't want to be too quick to count my blessings, but every hour I get to spend with him is a blessing to me, soooo - I guess I'm already counting :)

Ok, anyway, There are a lot of positive bubbly happy things in my head, but again trying not to jump the gun. So let's just say... I really do love him, I love everything about him, and I even love everything I hate about him, I love who I am when I'm with him, and tho there are a lot of pressures from outsiders who have opinions about us and our relationship, when it comes down to it, I have never and will never do anything to intentionally hurt Jarad, I want nothing but his happiness... I just hope that the outsiders don't pressure him to believe differently.

One day at a time, I'll continue to love him.

ITCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

So all week I kept finding these little spots on my arms and legs and hands and feet, and I kept thinking how am I getting so many bug bites?! I had washed my bedding, and chloe just had flea and tick medicine put on her, it can't be any of that, and they weren't mosquito bites because they were too little and randomly popping up. Finally today, when I realized it had spread out, and the spots were bigger, puffier, and oozing with stuff, I realized it is definately a poison plant. Ugh, I'm allergic to poison plants, I know that sounds weird, but I really am, I have trouble getting rid of the stuff, my body likes to transport it all over and I'm very sensitive to it. So anyway, it isn't terrible yet so I'm hoping I caught it early enough that some benadryl and all the other over the counter products will help.

My Mom wins the awesome award today, because she was coming into Omaha so she dropped off all that good medicine to me at work, good thing too, because I was about to go itch crazy! Props to my Mom, and really all Mom's today... for showing up with itch cream when you are about to lose your mind!

So, I had a breakdown last night, I don't have a specific reason why I was on the verge of tears for most of the night, I guess a lot of stress and worrying that I had brought on myself.. finally got the best of me. It's weird because before Jarad, I never had panic attacks, nothing every mattered that much to me, but he really does, I really can't imagine life without him... and when I worry that I may have to, my stomach knots up, I get short of breath, it's a terrible feeling, again I know I do it to myself, and I'm learning to deal with these crazy attacks, but.. .well.. here's hoping I don't have to worry about that forever.

I talked to Jarad a little bit by text last night, I really really REALLY wanted to see him last night, but it didn't work out and probably for the best, we both had people around, and The Office was on till 9pm, so it would have been a late night and we both had work early. But Tonight, I'm really really looking foward to seeing him, I think that tonight will be better anyway because I'm a little bit more under control.

I want to say Happy Birthday to my friend, Dennis. Today is his birthday and I hope he has a wonderful night, and in the chance that I don't' see him this weekend. GO HUSKERS!

I know everyone says this throughout their lives, but at the point where I coule Really use a crystal ball, I need to know somethings about the future, I need to know where things will go with Jarad and I, not because I want them to happen soon or quickly, but because I've never had feelings for someone, like the feelings I have for Jarad, but I don't know what that means yet, after all the stress and drama of things lately, I don't know how he feels or how we will sort thru things, but I love the person that I am, when I'm with Jarad, and I love the person he is, and sorry to sound like a broken record, but I really have never felt that way for anyone else.

Ok, I should probably wrap this up for now. Have a great Friday!

Us

DUH!

I had a brilliant thought while I was in the bathroom, why is it that many people have great ideas on the porcelin throne? Anyway, OF COURSE Jarad and I can't just be the perfect couple right away, I mean, think about it this way, the fairy tale romances of today--

Ross and Rachel (Friends)
Carrie and Big (Sex and the City)
Jim and Pam (The Office)

That's just to name a few off the top of my head, I'm sure if you sat and thought about it, you would totally realize that nothing in love is ever easy... All of these couples love each other and end up together, they also all screw up, break up, and make up. Sometimes over and over again, but in the end, everyone realizes what is important...

Ok, so this reasoning may sound stupid and shallow, but I was feeling really depressed because I sometimes worry that Jarad thinks, well we are fighting, or something is screwed up, I guess it's over... but it's not like that, life is not like that, LOVE is not like that, people make mistakes.... it gives me hope that I have a chance of being the Rachel, Pam, Carrie in all of us, and Jarad has the chance to be the Ross, Big, and Jim in all of you crazy men out there.

I suppose, there is hope!

Coming Down from a High...

Not literally of course, but if Jarad were a drug, I would be addicted, After I got just a little bit a little taste on Tuesday, it's all I can think about, the question is how long till I get my next fix? ;)

Just kidding, it's just that the emotion that Jarad stirs up in me, is stronger than any emotion I've every had to deal with before. Again, patience is a virtue, a virtue that I don't exactly have... but I'm working on it...

On a happy note, tonight is the season premier of my very favorite show, The Office. It should be a pretty good episode, so I'm excited for that.. the only thing is... I kind of wish I was watching it with another Office fan... I won't mention his name, he already knows who he is and so do all of you.

I find myself not making definate plans with anyone in the slight chance that he will want me to come hang out, I know that is pathetic, and a strong woman would make plans and tell him that he'll have to wait, if he wants to hang out he should have called and said so... the only problem is, even if I made plans with other people, I'd be thinking about him and wishing I was with him the whole time anyway. It is kind of a lose/lose situation on my part, at least for the time being. If we were more stable, I wouldn't worry about it, but since things are so shaky and in limbo, I just want to see him and be close to him, and actually be able to breathe again..

Another.. Big.. Sigh................ I'll just keep waiting.

We'll all float on ok...

Queen of his Double Wide Trailer

Yep, That song is in my head, and yes I love it.

So far, so good today... Dennis accepted my explanations about my feelings for him... I told him they didn't exist, I was not and never going to be in love with him, and I would like to keep him as a part of my life in the future, because I believe he is an amazing person. Friends like him are hard to come by, BUT, It is very clear to me that I must find a compromise with Jarad, he has a lot of very good reasons to dislike Dennis and thus it puts a very big stress on me.

I guess at this point I am willing to give up quite a bit for that challenging man, but I do expect him to come my way just a little, we will work on building trust and having faith, we have the passion and love for each other, the rest of the things we will build with each other, a project I would give anything for.

It's basically this simple, Jarad and I are good for each other, he pushes me to learn new things, to be a better person, to not think that I know it all, he isn't easy, and I love it. People may think I'm crazy, but last year has been one of the best for me, I've grown so much as a person, and I hope that Jarad has realized a little bit of that about himself. I still believe we are meant to be, I just know now that nothing is quite as fairytale as we would all like to believe it to be.

Sigh- now the waiting begins, I've even gained a little more paitence since before... I'm not saying that I want to wait or even that I like it, but at least I know that it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean he doesn't care if he needs a little time. I still hope it's not too much time! :)

Ok, so the truth is out. I still don't know what will happen, but I still miss him, and I still hope we have a chance in the future.

<3

Glowing

This picture is a good example of what my mind feels like today. A whirlwhind of thoughts about Jarad. My coworker told me that I was glowing today, she said she hadn't seen me smile this much in weeks... I didn't even realize I was doing it. I don't know how much or what I want to say yet. Except that I got to be close to the person that I am in love with and even though it was only for a short time, it made me glow.

I have a lot of obstacles to face and challenges to overcome and decisions to make in the future, in the near future. I am afraid I am going to upset some people with my decision and I am going to have to hear a lot of crap. I know that I am a strong person, I know that the decisions I make are my own and no one elses, and I believe that the people who know and love me will support me, but it doesn't make it easy. There is just something about that guy.... I can't get enough of him.

I have, however, said some things I shouldn't have, did some things I shouldn't have, didn't say some things that I should have, and now - I have to sort thru that, understand my mistakes, make my apologies and hope that somehow, I end up with a friend who doesn't hate me, and a boyfriend who loves me. Crap. That is so much easier said than done.

Another complete and utter mindfuck, the world spins when I get to kiss him, my head spins, my heart spins, no one else makes me feel that way. Love isn't easy, but man... it is powerful.

I'm going to end this crazy, vague, confused and so fucking happy blog for now. I will be writing again today, I anticipate a slow day, with a racing mind.

Mwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm Back!

I couldn't bring myself to write on here for a while, I was definately sorting through some thoughts.. but often they were negative and I'm not one to write or share negative thoughts about myself or about others all that often. So I withheld until I knew that I could be more logical and less emotional... when that finally happened, a whirlwind of business happend at work. If you watch the news and/or stock market at all you will have heard about all the crazyness that was happening to a company that is basically just like the one I work for. Luckily, my company is doing very well in this crazy financial time, but our clients were panicked, and the agents were busy, which in turn meant a lot of things got put on me and man was I swamped at work, honestly probably the busiest consecutive three days of my 2 year career at AXA. Finally, things have calmed down. I've gotten caught up and I figured.. what the hell... time to write again.

I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I've discovered a lot of things about myself in the past couple of weeks, and yes one of them is that I miss Jarad, I miss our crazy ideas, our lazy moments, our big projects, our random road trips, our nights with the band, our nights in the Cellar, our nights on the patio, our trips in the jeep, our dinners with family, the look in his eye when he was looking at me- that I could only catch once in a great moon but made me feel like a star. I miss him. I don't know what that means for us, I don't know now that we are perfect for each other, I think we jumped, or Ok I jumped ahead a little too far. I worry about him, I worry about him being happy in every way possible, I just don't know if me in his life will create happiness or more stress.. I just don't know. I don't even know if it's an option, I don't know that he'll ever reconsider the notion of us, but I think deep down we both consider it at some point every day, for me there is always a moment... something that reminds me of him, a song on the radio, a jeep driving by, a restaurant, a tv show, everyday I catch my breath just for a moment and I get wrapped up in him. Some days are worse than others, but in general I think about him every day.

However, this time when I think about him, it's not with the urgency I had before. It seemed like when we were dating I assumed that if I wasn't with him in person, then I wasn't with him in his heart. I was wrong about that, he has made that clear... as I have said before, if someone ever says I won't wait for you, or I will wait for you, I've decided that they must be confused... because for me it's not about waiting, it's about a feeling that won't ever go away.

I can hope and wish and plan to act on that feeling or I can sit on it and decide that the feeling does not benefit the person I care for. I don't know yet what this feeling will bring or how I will act on it.... but it's still there.

On a seperate note, (and I'm hoping you won't read this until I have this discussion with you, but if you do... at least you know that my words are written out of respect and love). I now know without a shadow of a doubt that you can love someone as a friend, but not be in love with them. You can want to be in love with them, you can tell yourself its the best thing for you, and it may be the best thing, the best relationship, the best person in the entire world, but you cannot force yourself to be IN love with them, you can't force yourself to be passionate, you can't force yourself to be wrapped up in someone, you can love them and care for them and want nothing but the best for them, but you cannot make yourself their lover, their one and only, you can't do it. Or at least, I can't do it. I believe there are some people in your life who will always be in your life, who you will always care about, who you will always want the best for, but they just may not be the one you are destined to be with. I'm a passionate person and if I can't find or create passion for the one person who treats me like a princess then it's just not going to happen. It's hard to accept, even for me, but the more I try the more I know it is wrong.

Why do we choose difficult paths for ourselves? Why do I choose the road less traveled? Sometimes I like to tell myself that because I'm so intelligent I choose to challenge myself in my relationships and if it isn't a bit challenging then there isn't anything to it and it's time to move on.

Jarad was, is, and always will be... a challenge. The question is, how long can I handle a challenge? Will I always choose a challenge? In 10 years am I still going to pick the road less traveled? I don't know, I don't know how anyone CAN know... committments are scary. ;)

How do you tell someone that you consider your best best best friend, something that is going to break their heart? How do you tell someone that is your best friend and your lover that they can trust you, that your other best friend is simply that and is in no way a threat to them? Why do the people that I care about have to be such a challenge to each other? Sigh- questions that will forever go unanswered I suppose.

My advice for today is take a step back at your relationships, understand which ones are JUST friends, which ones are JUST for Lust, and which One you love for each of those things and more.

Adios Amigos

It can only get better...

Well yesterday I said that I had hit rock bottom, which could only mean that it can't get any worse... I think I was right. Last night was a much better night and today still getting better. Today this quote came across my desk and it gave me a little more insight...

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

I'm attempting to do this with the chapter of my life that involved Jarad, I want to appreciate it, be thankful for it, close it, and step forward in an attempt to have something that is even better than my relationship with Jarad. Again, it is difficult for me to accept that that relationship is out there... when I was loving the 'current situation' so much. Yet, it seems important that I look forward, we are pretty much going on day three of Jarad's strike against me. He's hard to accept that he doesn't even care that I'm ok. Not a text, not an e-mail, not a call. I could of been dead in a ditch somewhere Tuesday morning, and he wouldn't know or care. I guess everyone handles love differently... I accepted it, he has flushed it. It's not really that I'm mad at him, just hurt and having a hard time believing that he flipped the switch that quickly. On Tuesday, August 26th... he loved me. On Sunday, August 30th he stopped.

I just don't have that kind of heart.

Anyway, back on my attempts to be positive, I've talked to my bosses and they've agreed to let me work more hours in a week and build up more vacation. I explained to them that there wasn't a lot for me to go home to, my best friend is out of town, my boyfriend dumped me, and my friends mostly work evenings... so- I'm now for sure working at least an extra 4 hours this week and next week. That gives me another day off, or an afternoon, or basically whenever I want to use it, as long as I get the ok by them.


On a seperate note, I'm back to using this blog as my journal.. all the things I need to talk about will be said on here. I don't care who you are, if you read it, if you don't, why you read it, or why you don't. This is for me, don't waste your time wondering if I'm intentionally writing anything for anyone to read, because I'm not. This is my space and I like to read my feelings, it helps me get grasp on reality, I'm sorry if you don't like it, I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way, or if you do, I don't care if you feel sorry for me, or if you think I'm crazy. I like to write about my emotions and this is where I do it.

Enjoy your day, and remember - give thanks and work towards a better situation.

Hmmm

My Horoscope today says:
LEO (July 23-Aug 22) You will drive your emotional partner crazy today. Try not to jump to conclusions. Don't let your mate bully you into thinking that you owe them your time and your life.

I'm not sure what to make of this... I mean.. Yes, if we were to consider Jarad my partner, I probably am driving him crazy.

I am trying not to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love me, but it's very difficult when he ignores me 100%, but again maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

Jarad has never bullied me into thinking anything, yet... I WANT to give him my time and my life... I don't know.. just thought it was an interesting horoscope for the miserable way I was feeling today.

Hmmmmm, in my world, a lack of communication can create mountains out of mole hills.

Broken

I just wanted to share the irony of me using Jarad's eye drops that he left in my purse, to cure the burning feeling in my eyes from sobbing myself to sleep last night. I just have this terrible sinking sensation that it is actually over, I guess it just kind of hit me last night and man.. did it hit me hard. It's all over. Everything I ever planned for us to do someday, everything that I imagined we would become, everything from our past, present, and future. It's over. I keep thinking that if I type that a few more times it will help me accept it, at this point, I'm very broken.. my life, my heart... all broken... I don't know how to accept it.

The hardest part is knowing that he already has, he has his friends... sitting in that basement every night, keeping him from facing the reality of what it really is. Meanwhile, I have burned too many bridges by staying in Fremont so often, that it's nearly impossibl to just fit back into the routines of my friends, plus most of my friends are in relationships and I have now become a third wheel. All my single friends, are Jarad's friends, therefore... I'm off limits for the time being. So- not only am I broken... I'm lonely and broken.

I hate to sound so negative, so depressed. But for the first time EVER in my life, I know what depression feels like... I know the feeling of thinking that you are pathetic, alone, and unloveable. I know the feeling of being afraid to even talk to your family because they won't understand, they will think you are crazy for feeling so broken over one man.

It's over. I've hit the bottom, so I suppose it can only get better from here... at least.. I hope.

Another Day

An Adorable picture, here's hoping that it's not the last one in the Jarad & Katy Story :(

Talk about inserting foot into mouth... I never ever ever thought that the worries I had on Wednesday, from an argument had on Tuesday, would lead to me being a single chic on Monday. My stomach hasn't stopped turning circles, my heart hasn't stopped beating out of my chest, sleeping and eating are things I have to force myself to do, and it's all because of something that I never should have been worrying about in the first place.

I'm not ready to get married now or anytime in the near future, I'm ready to love Jarad and have fun with him.. just like we have been doing- why I put the pressure of planning that far in the future on myself and on him, I'll never know, but I do know it was a mistake and now he has decided he can't ever make me happy. Which is beyond rediculous, he has ALWAYS made me happy... I just worried about stupid things, and I'll forever regret it. I just keep hoping that if I'm patient (which I'm terrible at) and if I try my hardest to be in his life as a friend for now, if it's what makes him happy, then maybe someday he'll realize what I have... we ARE best friends, we DO do things together, he is ATTENTIVE to what I say and think, we will NEVER be my parents and I'm so glad, because we will be better, he makes me a better person.

(SIGH) I'm so frustrated with myself and this whole situation, why is it so hard for two people to love each other?

The other thing is, is that I have learned some things during this "break" that Jarad and I are taking, have taken... I'm not really sure- but I've learned that I can do things with my friends without him and I can have a fantastic time, I've learned that I can be at my apartment by myself and enjoy it there without him, I agree when he says things were uncomfortably serious, and I've already made changes in my life to fix those stresses that we were putting on each other. I just hope he will realize all of this, before it is too late. Before someone else snatches him up, because he is an amazing person, or before someone attempts to steal my heart again because I am an amazing person. I know at this point some people would say, leave it up to fate.. I'll try, I've prayed about this, I've prayed about us and our present, and our future. I'm just not so great at being patient...

I want to change, because I believe that changes represent knowledge and the ability to learn and grow. I do not consider changing for someone a bad thing, I believe we will need to change and grow, for and with, each other... I just keep praying we get this opportunity.

The Solution

Don't take the people you love for granted. Have fun, be in love and stop worrying about a future you are not ready for. The issue becomes completely unimportant when the person you are in love with is no longer in the picture. Communication will help with the little things. Realizing that you can't live without someone will help with what I once considered an issue... I can only hope and pray now that he will see things in my light.