Being BlogPositive

Well, I feel kinda bad about being Debbie Downer lately... I especially because it's not just on the blog.. I mean journaling on here is a way for me to release some negative feelings so it's more so on the blog, but also in general I haven't been in the best of moods.. and I feel bad because I especially think it put a damper on last nigiht... Jarad was being very nice to me, but I guess I was "transitioning" because I didn't accept or respond to it very well... I guess I had just put it in my head that I was going to have to be Ok with just being a friend for a while, so it was hard for me to flip that switch right away into being all lovey dovey... and I felt like it wasn't fair that we had to play by his schedule, when he wants to be sweet and nice to me, then that's how we are, and when he doesn't then that's how we are.. but what about what I want? What about when I want to be romantic and he wants to work on his truck? It just didn't feel like there was an equal level of control and all of that combined made me weird last night.. so I can only hope he gives it another shot tonight... but I guess I can't blame him if he doesn't... Although, it is pizza and a pitcher night, which usually seems to be enjoyable for us, so maybe it will all work itself out..

I'm anxious that it is May, it means so much exciting stuff will be coming up, for one I'm going to plant my plants in my garden soon, and I'm very excited for that to take place!!!! I'm also going to help G-ma plant flowers and she is going to give me a few to plant in pots for the outside of our house, and the rose bushes are starting to bloom, so I love that things are starting to grow..

The other very obvious thing to look forward to is Warm weather, open windows, top off the jeep, and all the great things that come along with sunshine! lol

The final thing that makes me very excited for May, well actually June, but getting to May is one step closer to getting to June..lol.. Anyway, I'll finally be combining my living situations. My apartment lease is up at the end of June, my roomate is getting a place with her boyfriend, and since I consider Fremont my home and Jarad and I spend so much time together at his house anyway, and it will save on money, all arrows have pointed to me actually moving in. Of course I'm nervous about it, more for his sake than mine, just because I've lived in a lot of houses with a lot of different types of roomates and I've had some serious relationships, but this is all kind of a first for JayRad and I only hope he can communicate with me about everything that's the only way sharing a living space will work. Over the last couple of months it has more or less like we have been living together, but nothing was ever official we just kind of went in the direction that worked best for both of us, I still have a lot of stuff at my aparment and it will be interesting to see how we fit it all in the little house.. lol... but I'm very excited, Jarad is, although we have our struggles, the only person I see myself duking it out with for a very long time... He has come a long way over the years of our friendship, and I have no doubts that he will continue to grow into an even more amazing man, it's just not happening quite as quickly as I had hoped.. haha jk- it's the typical frustration of Girls maturing faster than Boys... it happens in jr high, it happens in high school, and it is still happening after college, I just have to remind myself to take everything in stride, to appreciate the good moments and not stress over the days that we are in a valley instead of on top of a peak...

I know it seems contradicting, all my recent blogs where I'm confused about Jarad, but like I've said before, despite anything and everything, he is my best friend and we care for each other, and everyday we get thru another obstacle, and everyday there is another one to tackle, I can't predict the future, but I do love him and have always looked out for him and will always work for what is best for him, and because I know those things from the bottom of my heart, I have no reserves in sharing a home with him.

I have to remember that Jarad isn't the superhero I have built him up to be, so often I expect the world from him, I expect him to be the incredibly hard and dedicated worker that he is, I expect him to be a loving caring member of his family, I expect him to be able to fix every electrical, mechanical, and every other ical problem that there ever is, and I expect him to love me whole heartedly and be the romantic prince who sweeps me off my feet.... ugh, that's a lot to expect from someone, the funny part is, I actually believe he can do it, just not maybe all in one day :)

I know his heart is in the right place, even if his actions currently are not.. and what is in his heart is what I'm connected to, and the reason I love him everyday and the reason I'll do anything for him, maybe I have doubts and maybe I'll continue to... but I know that if we move forward together with out hearts in the right place... it will work out the way it's supposed to in the end.