I was thinking to myself the other day about the "chicken or the egg" theory.. you know, which came first? Except I was comparing it to my feelings or the weather, both crappy but which came first? I seem more sane if I assume that the dreary weather made my mood dreary.. but I'm not so entirely sure... If I had much to say about "purgatory" - I would think that it might be where I'm at, not heaven, not hell... limbo.. just waiting, just holding on to the idea that he is my best friend and has always been, so even when it seems like we have nothing else, we have that... and maybe it I hold on to that long enough, we will come out of this slump we are in... The drunk neighbor guy thought we were brother and sister, and even though he was drunk, I still felt like he was spot on about the way Jarad's been acting around me... another buddy, pal, friend that is a girl, etc... I can't live out my life that way, I'm far to much of a dreamer, to much of a romantic, too much of a girl.. but for now, as previously mentioned, I can be his best friend and assume the best, assume he will see me as a beautiful woman... someday...
I've never thought Jarad takes anything for granted, but I do think he lets some things go unnoticed that maybe should be recognized... and I don't even think he does it on purpose, in his head he recognizes he just doesn't ever express the gratitude, or at least, he doesn't express it well... I'm ok with that most of the time, I don't expect him to grovel at my feet everytime I make sure he has clean clothes for work, but I've always held on to the notion that Jarad shows his appreciation in BIG ways, I like to show it in little ways every day, and I always thought Jarad liked to show it once or twice in a big way, I guess the problem, and it's my problem not his, but my problem is I started waiting for that big thing, that one thing that really would blow me away, when I wasn't expecting it and when Jarad really did want to do something for me, just for me, just because I matter... I just realized (and this is the reason I journal this stuff out, to help me come to realizations) but I realized that Jarad did do something big for me, my garden, he worked really hard on that, and I shouldn't take that for granted... It means a lot to me, and I know he did that just for me, I guess the reason it didn't strike me at first is because I felt like he was making it so that I would have something to do and he could do his own thing... it didn't seem like something we were going to do together, but nothing seems like something we are going to do together, unless it's me helping him clean something.....
In saying that, I realize we sound like a married couple, and you know I wouldn't mind sounding that way, except Jarad made it pretty clear he didn't want to be an old married couple, he didn't want to be married at all, he wanted to do his own thing on his own time and he didn't want to have to mention it to me... so apparently he wants all the perks of being married, the dedication to supporting him and helping him whenever he needs, but the freedom of being single to run off and forget about me and my feelings at the drop of a hat.. humph.. that's not going to work out for me so well..
On a happier note, my best friend Jessica is graduating from Pharmacy school this weekend, and Friday night is her graduation party in Omaha, should be a lot of fun, I'm so proud of her she was the valedictorian of my class, so I never doubted she would do something great, but she really has worked hard and spent a lot of years in school.. so she deserves all the awesome things that are about to come her way... I figure Jarad won't want to go out in Omaha and will have to work in the morning anyway, but at least he'll be happy that he gets to spend some more time apart from me... ugh, I wish I didn't sound so bitter... it's just that he's made that argument that we need to spend time apart over and over and over.. it finally just kind of rubbed me the wrong way.. I'm happy to spend the evening with my best friend/roomate at my apartment, I really enjoy even.. so idk why I feel like it needs to be about Jarad and his space... I guess because he is the one who made such a big deal about it..
I hate that I've been so negative, I love Jarad, I think that is obvious, we are just rattled right now, and I miss him, but I'm trying to make him happy, and what he said would make him happy is not spending so much time with me, that's kind of a kick in the ass no matter how you put it... I know it's healthy, I know he's trying to make our relationship work, but I was hoping when we spent time apart it would make our time together stronger, like he said, and it hasn't in fact it's making us more distant.... and That is what I'm scared of.
I'm just burnt out, burnt out on life, I'm burnt out at work, I'm burnt out in trying to understand Jarad, I'm burnt out on living in two places and not having all my stuff in one place, not having one home... I'm tired and burnt out and I just try to stay busy and go thru the motions so that I don't break down....
I should have stayed in bed today... and the worst part about having this feeling today, is it's only Wednesday, and it's not even 10am... it's going to be a long week.... I'm praying tonight isn't a total bust, Jarad said yesterday that he just wants to stay home and lounge together tonight, since we have been so busy with camperville the last couple of days, it's supposed to be rainy and stormy and I'm excited to just relax with my boyfriend, but what I'm afraid will actually happen will be kind of a repeat of Sunday night, Jarad fell asleep on the couch, and I sat in the chair and watched 4 hours of futurama which isn't a very good show but was just on and was mindless, so I watched it while he snored... I just thought to myself, I'd rather listen to him snore then listen to him yell.. I'd rather be watching a stupid adult cartoon than fighting with someone I love... so I kept my mouth shut and that's kind of been the trend since then, keep my mouth shut and we may not be lovers but at least we aren't enemies..... I'm not sure how long that will last, but at least it's allowing some time for thought.
OK, seriously, the depressing rambling is over and done, I'm going to find something to busy myself for a while, hopefully make this terribly long day seem a little bit shorter.
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