Projects?

I don't know if it is cabin fever, from the extreme cold days... or if I'm just too settled and I need to stir things up, but I'm looking for a project. I find that I liked to be focused on something, when I'm at work and I have a task at hand, I'm much happier than when it is slow and I have to "find" things to do. It's basically the same when I'm at home, but sometimes I make a person my focus, ok by sometimes I mean.. I usually make a person my focus, I like to observe them and understand them and do things for them and with them, I write about them and their affects on me, I write about our future and our past, Writing combined with the inspiration of a person who I am moved by... often fills my time, but what happens when I've exhausted my obsession with that person? In the past, I moved on...

This time, I'm completely happy- I don't want to move on... ever. But I still need a subject, a project, inspiration, obsession, concentration- I can dedicate myself to my work, but ultimately that doesn't self-satisfy for me, at least not yet. I could drink heavily and waste my time, but well I already do that enough and it doesn't seem to excite me. All this time, I've been fighting to get my life under control, and now it more or less is, and I've realized I am too intellegent to be bored- I will drive myself crazy.

Ok, I'm done with that soap box, I'll figure something out- I always do and in the meantime at least I can smile and say I've found the love my life, and he almost... almost... has come to realize how perfect we are :) It's silly but I want to just run around and shout about how much I love Jarad and how I would do anything for him... but for some reason, I'm still reserved around him... again with the scaring off thing, I suppose.

I'm also still afraid, I'm still afraid he could smash me, figuratively of course.. he could smash my dreams for us, he could break my heart, and he could kick my happy ass to the curb. He could take the flight method (flight vs. fight) - I would fight for us, but if he wants others if he wants to be free if he wants a different life than the one I can give him... what will I do? So yeah, there is fear...

I don't know, We have come so far and we have a long ways to go, and I'm soo excited about the journey, I'm still curious about the outcome but I'm going to enjoy every step along the way. (That's good advice for anyone and any situation.)

Yeah, I suppose I will leave you with that... enjoy your journey.

<3

Hump Day!?

I hope so :) haha - Wed Nes Day, I actually like this day... it gives light to the end of the tunnel... the weekend is really only two days away! Ok so anyway what is goin on today? ummm I'm kinda groggy and hungover from last night, I bowled over 100 in more than one game, YAY! But towards the end it was getting bad, I was quite intoxicated and I don't think I even bowled in the 80's... whoops! So, yes I'm dragging a bit today, but I've gotten everything done for the bosses and luckily it's not a real busy day. I'm leaving work around 3:30 today to take my baby Chloe to the groomers, she's going to smell good and hopefully have little ribbons in her hair! haha -

However, after I leave it's possible I may have to come back to work, because the office staff are really short handed and since I used to be office staff, (now I'm a producer assistant) but since I used to be office staff I know how to do most of the stuff, so I offered to help them out. We will see...

I hope I see Jarad tonight, I didn't see him yesterday- he drove himself to class and I took a nap and then went bowling.. haha but yeah I'm starting to miss him a bit, ok a lot! Again, I'm a dork and people aren't supposed to know how much I want to spend every moment I can with him.. but it's the freaking truth, he makes me think, he makes me question things and learn things, he definately makes me laugh, and smile, and every time we are together... I just feel complete and happy. Who wouldn't want to be around something or someone that made them feel that way?!

Ok- We will go with the shorter blog for now, I'm going to go help the office staff get some things done! But here is my new discovery- go to www.pandora.com it is a very cool website, if you type in your favorite artist or song, it will play other songs from similar artists- you get to learn new songs new singers and it's all free. Seriously check it out!!! MWAH

A Time to Pass the Way

Yes, I intentionally switched the words around in my title phrase.



It's one of those days where I'm quite sure the afternoon is going to go verrrrrrryyyyy slow. So, I decided to blog a bit before I continue on with a few things I need to get done.



First of all, last night was a VERY pleasant surprise, Jarad stopped by after class and he stayed the night with me in Omaha. The first time since he has moved into his new house almost two and half weeks ago! We were both tired from an early morning and a long day, so we snuggled up watched some TV and fell asleep, it was perfect. He is.. so.. unbelieveably perfect and he doesn't even know it :) I'm not sure if I'll see him today or night, I guess you could say it depends on the weather... If he thinks the roads and weather are ok he will be driving himself to class and home again and I probably won't see him. If he thinks it all sucks, he'll be calling me and I'll at least get to spend some time with him in the car... It's Tuesday, which means it is bowling night- but we don't bowl till 9:30ish anyway, so it won't be a problem, in all honesty... I probably wouldn't even be going bowling tonight except that Jess wants to go because Joel is going out with his friends, so she wants to go out with hers and I rarely turn down a night with my girls.



So, have I mentioned that every day Jarad and I spend together I feel more confident in our relationship, in us, in him.. I'm not sure what made the switch flip, but it definately feels like it has, like he is letting me love him and god knows I will let any and every ounce of that man love me. I was having a conversation with his friend Tim about trust the other day, and I was getting frustrated because Tim basically said it is nearly impossible to trust someone after they hurt you the way I had hurt Jarad three years ago. I understand that it is difficult, but putting I wasn't going to put it out of my reach, I still don't think I've "won him over" but at least, I think he is noticing and realizing my dedication to ONLY him. A war on time is the worst war in the world if you are an impatient person like myself. The only thing that can make Jarad trust me and open up to me 100% is time, obviously what I do in that time and how I use that time to show him our bond is also important, but it all boils down to time. BLA I wouldn't mind time speeding up a bit once in a while when I need it to... I'd equal it out in the times that I want it to sloooooowwwww down :)



Ok so that is my soap box on time and trust, hopefully for those of you non existent readers, it will give you hope if you are waiting on something... "all good things come in time" it sucks, but so far it has always proved true.


I will leave you with another horoscope blurb- I'm a dork and I have been reading into the Zodiac Signs lately, just learning more about the meanings and I came across this, sooo Look out Sagittarius!!! (You know who you are!!!)

Sagittarius will be faithful spouses and indulgent parents; but their innate restlessness will inspire them to use even the most satisfying ménage as a base from which to set out on their travels. They need to feel free and are often faced with the choice of allowing their careers to take over their lives at the expense of the love of their spouse and family.

A Case of the Mondays?

Well, I think the title says it all- It's Monday and there isn't a lot of good things to say about today. Nothing terrible is happening, but it just seems to be a bla day- Nothing to look foward to, nothing going on, and nothing but a lot of work. Ok, so actually while it is a busy week for me because my boss is in Paris and I have to take care of all of his affairs, my days are not nearly as busy as Jarad's. His Mon, Tue, & Wednesdays are filled with work and school with not a lot of down time before, during, or after.

He works hard at everything he does, and I know these days prove to be exhausting for him. I try to keep a positive attitude for his sake, I try to help him think that these days are so terribly long and tiring, but ultimately he's said it before and I'll say it again... It's a sacrifice he is making and working through in order to better himself for the future, and obviously he is making and saving a lot of money that I definately did not by going to college full time and working very very part time. So, I admire him and I'm proud of him and even though he isn't working hard to impress anyone... It simply makes me love him even more, despite the challenges we face.. So, Mon-Wed is my Omaha time because he has basically told me that on these days he barely has time to breathe, let alone put effort into being cheerful in a relationship. And personally, I'd rather be around happy and rested Jarad, than stressed and exhausted Jarad. Unless of course, he needs me, at which point he could be any Jarad he chooses and I'd be there.

So that's what is on my mind this not so cheerful Monday morning. I've avoided the roomate/wall situation so far, I love the blue wall and it makes me happy so the heck with whatever she thinks. Census has it, that I could have painted that wall any damn color and she would still hate it, for two reasons... one- the hostile attitude she's been giving me the last couple of weeks and two- the fact that she wasn't a part of the process, she had no control over it and I think that bothers her a bit. Ahh well, life goes on.

On a separate note, What do boys want and/or like for Valentines Day?! I've been thinking about this, and I really would like to do something special... but I haven't the slightest clue what special would be to a boy, on a typically "girl focused" holiday. Well, I do have ONE idea... but I can't spoil the surprise, in the small freakish chance that you, and you know who you are, actually reads this far into my silly little blog :)

I think I'm going to wrap this up for now. I have some research to do, now that I've been thinking about gifts ... Peace, Love, and Harmony Dudes and Dudettes <3

Acceptance

Today, I'm accepting that I cannot make everyone happy. Here's what is on my mind- In my last blog I mentioned that I was going to paint the kitchen wall, since we all had mentioned we didn't like the neon green color that it was. So, I sent one of my roomates a text (she was out of town) and I asked her if it was ok that I paint the wall and I told her I was doing a calm blue color, her response was that I was a dork for doing that on a friday night and that was it. So I assumed she didn't care, so with the help of my other roomate we picked out a blue we liked and I painted the wall, I went to Jarads after that and just got back home today (sunday) and she was home so I was like, what do you think of the wall?! Her response? "you want my honest opinion?" So I said ok, you don't like it.. why? She said, "I'm just not a blue person, but I'll just deal with it" - So I said well I'm sorry, I feel bad you don't like it, but why didn't you say anything when I told you I was thinking blue and asked if you wanted something different, her response, "I didn't think you would actually do it" - Now, she has been my friend and roomate long enough to know that when I say I'm doing a project I mean like I'm going to do it, right now. So now she says well its fine whatever, which we all know means I hate it, and every time I look at it I'm going to hate you.

DAMNIT- what am I supposed to do? Repaint the wall? I would, I really don't care.. but then she is going to make a big deal about that, and honestly I don't want to give in.. I'm not stuck on this color, i'm just stuck in the fact that I think she would hate any color I pick.. that's just been her attitude to me lately. It roots in the fact that her and my ex Dennis have become extremely buddy buddy lately, and because Dennis is hurting because of me, it makes her have a snotty attitude towards me. It sucks, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I hate feeling awkward in my own home. The other thing is, since I haven't been home much because I've been spending time at Jarad's - I feel like she is disregarding me, like I don't matter.. I'm not a part of her "posse" anymore so she could care less about me. The bitchy side of me wants to paint that damn wall bright pink. haha- I'm hoping it will eventually blow over... either she will accept the wall or I will do something else that pisses her off even more.. who knows. You just can't make everyone happy.

Beautiful

I'm in a good mood today, I'm seeing the world full of beauty. It's sunny and 28 degrees! I know that sounds cold, but it's soo much warmer than it has been the last couple of days so I'm embracing it. I got to sleep in a bit today which was nice and I'm dedicating myself to my work for the rest of the afternoon, which can be good for me.

Also, I had a fantastic evening with Jarad and his friends, I'm not sure what it was exactly that made Jarad act the way he did, but for the first time in a long time, I actually felt like he wanted me. His friends were all at his house and we were having some beers and hanging out, and he pulled me aside to a different room, just to be with me, just to kiss me, just to be close to me. It was amazing, possibly a bit of the attention I was looking for!? Beyond that he was close to me for a good part of the night, which is basically all I ever want, if I can just feel him close to me I'll be the happiest girl in the world :) - So yes, Otherthings went on last night that were all freaking fantastic, I don't even have the words to describe. Another day that my heart swells bigger for this man.

Tonight, beyond working late.. I'm going to stay home in Omaha, spend time with my baby Chloe, have a few drinks with Jessica and relax. I'll probably end up cleaning the house too.. as I tend to do that when I'm in need of something to do. I was thinking about painting the wall in the kitchen, it's one of those things we've talked about doing since we moved in 6 months ago.. but never got around to. I figure it's a cold night, with nothing going on, what's better than busting out the paint brush?! haha- Yes I'm a dork, and I told you.. a sucker for projects :) My hope is that when Jarad gets outta work around 11pm, he will come over and stay with me. I have my doubts.. just because ever since he moved into his own house he has been very attached to it. I don't blame him, I was the same way when I first had my own place... but we'll see- he has surprised me before.

Well, I suppose that is all for now- I'll write more later when I take a break from the project I'm about to start at work. I'll leave you with this surprisingly accurate horoscope for my sign, the Leo-

Kiss any lingering doubt about your romance goodbye, lovely Leo. As optimistic Jupiter aligns positively with down-to-earth Saturn, your man may want to prove his long-term devotion to you. For example, he may surprise you with a ring, or pop the question over a romantic champagne dinner for two. His earnest, charming approach just might win your heart completely. :)

Attention?

I'm feeling the colors today, so Read Green if you want to know about the dreams I had last night (or actually this morning) - Read Purple if you want to know my questions about attention vs. affection. Red is about Valentines Day! and Blue is just, well a calm update.


I've been thinking a lot lately about the attention that I received and the attention that I give and of course the attention that I crave. Typically, the word attention is used in a negative way, which is why I never really like to use it.. for example, "She's just doing that for attention" Well probably, of course we do things for attention- self satisfaction can only take you soo far, once in a while some appreciation has to be noted. So then there is that- appreciation vs attention. I don't know, I'm even starting to confuse myself.. the point of this blog is that I realize I love to give attention to the people I care about (in this case, yes, you guessed it, its Jarad) I love to listen to him, to appreciate his thoughts, to hold his hand, to cuddle up close to him, to compliment the things he does well, and encourage him on the things he is trying to improve on, if I thought he wanted it, I could probably give him my constant attention.

The concern comes back to the equilibrium of this relationship, how much can I or should I give before I start to receive some of this appreciation and attention towards me? The big delima is the way different people give and accept attention. Again, this is getting deeper and more confusing than I intended. How do I know if I'm smothering? How do I know if I'm not giving enough? and How do I get him to give me the affection and attention that I want? Those are the questions at hand.

Last night went ok, Jarad made me feel really good because unintentionally he expressed that he needed me (to wake him up.. haha) , and also that he wanted my company, any day that I can get even a hint of those two things from that guy, is a good day. We watched a movie, cuddled up, and went to bed at a decent time, nothing exciting, nothing stressful... a good night to have once in a while. This morning didn't go quite so well, but I'm accepting that morning is not a good time for Jarad. So I suck it up, and tell myself that if it were any other time of the day, things would be better :)

On a related but seperate note- Valentines Day is coming up! I typically find this holiday a little silly, but none-the-less... it's nice to be silly with someone. I don't need big expensive gifts, or fancy restaurants, but a little extra "TLC" and maybe something thoughtful or like I said silly and fun that represents 'us' - those kind of things are always appreciated.


DREAMS
OHHHHHH I almost forgot, I had some CRAZY dreams this morning, when I went back to sleep for an hour or so. Believe it or not, they all involved Jarad in one way or another! haha First, I dreampt that Jarad and I were driving in my car together, and he turned to me after getting a text message and he was like - there is something I need to say... and I of course start to get that sick to my stomach feeling.. like oh crap- and he takes a deep breath, and pauses, so i'm getting really nervous, then he's like- I Love You. Which makes me breath again and smile ear to ear.. turns out the text was one from me, the one I try to send every morning, "have a good day, I love you" - I figure if he reads/hears it every day.. eventually he'll have to start believing and trusting me. Anyway so that is dream number one.. one of the good ones :)

Number two, Jarad and I go to an open house, at some fancy house we aren't looking at buying but hear there is free food and it looks like a neat place. So we go there and walk around do the thing, for some reason we leave, but decided to go back to it later to get some more food, turns out it was A LOT later.. and we accidentally go into the wrong house. So we walk in the house, but don't realize it's the wrong house because they are all cookie cutter houses that are identical, so Jarad starts digging in the cupboards to find the food that was left out earlier and this older mom like lady walks up and is like, "Can I help you?" - so I start apologizing, explaining we thought it was the other house that was vacant, etc etc.. by the luck of god she believes us and is very sweet, offers us some crackers and we jet out the door as fast as we can.. holding back some crazy laughter about how silly/lucky we were. ( I relate this dream, to breaking into my old house when it was still vacant, and the feeling of 'getting caught')

Finally, the last dream I remember is sketchy and I remember more of the feelings in the dream than what was actually going on. I know there was a bridge, and it was sort of in a neighborhood area, but offset in some trees going over a rather deep stream. So I decide I need to walk on the outside of the bridge rather than inside the railing, I'm not sure why.. but I remember looking down and being nervous, but Jarad was walking with me on the inside of the railing, step by step. At one point I lose my footing a bit and fall to my knees, somehow or another I continue then across the bridge on all fours, barely hanging on and no longer able to see Jarad... the last thing I remember is feeling terrified, but thinking I had to make it across on my own. I woke up with a jump after this one.. I think I must have fallen :(

So yeah, crazy dreams- I usually don't remember them, I often remember that I had dreams and then they escape me, except for sometimes the feelings or emotions that were connected to them. Crazyness.


This thing is WAY longer than I intended, my bosses are gone for the week so - I sort of have A LOT to do, but I also have A LOT of time to make sure it gets done. Enjoy your day!

Where to start?

Well, I haven't written for a couple days, I had a three day weekend, which was absolutely fantastic, I spent it with Jarad, moving him into his new home and then enjoying his new place with him and randomly his friends. I fall more in love with him every day we spend together, but I also question and wonder if he is equally falling for me? I'm afraid to get hurt, and I'm afraid to put my trust into anyone. I've never been great at team stuff unless I'm the leader of the team, because ultimately I know that I will make sure things get done and I'm the only one I can count on. It's sad, I know... but not an easy thing to correct, especially when it's been going on for years and years. Anyway, on a happier note- Jarad and I had a little talk the other night after some confusion caused by miscommunication. The bottom line is, he said something along the lines of, "I've made up my mind, I want you, I choose you." I wanted to jump out of the chair, flail my arms and kiss the crap out of him. Instead, I think I just grinned and agreed with him. I'm not sure why I thought I had to play it cool, I guess I'm afraid to make any sudden movements, as if he is a wild animal who I'm desperately trying to hold, but who I know could dart away from me at any minute. Weird analogy, but extremely true.

I finally asked Jarad something I've been mulling in my head for a bit, and that was when or if he was ever going to be or at least let me think that he is head over heels for me. I know it sounds funny, but this time around that we have been dating, he's never really seemed like he has let go of himself and just wants to love me, he has always been very reserved, never letting me know that I have him, that he wants no one but me, but I've been throwing myself out there, to show him in ever possible way that I am committed to him, just once for a little bit it would be nice to be craved, wanted, desired, worshiped almost... I'm not needy or high maintainence, I just want to feel him love me, I just want to knock down that wall the he has so carefully built, considering every little detail, and being damn sure there are no cracks, windows, or doors that I could sneak thru. Maybe someday...

On a seperate note, I broke 100 in bowling last night!! woo hoo! I know, I'm a dork, and obviously extremely bad at bowling, but it's fun and always includes a lot of people and a lot of beer, what else is there to do on a cold tuesday night in Nebraska? Last night Michael came and that was fantastic, we always have a lot of catching up to do, as we value each other's opinions, especially when it comes to relationships... he is in a love triangle and that poor guy deserves so much better, I feel terrible for the luck of that guy sometimes!

There is talk of going out again tonight, but I don't know, I miss Jarad.. I know I saw him Tuesday morning and it's only Wednesday, I'm pathetic, but we spent A lot of time together over the weekend, and now it's like I just want to turn to him and say something, or kiss him, or think about kissing him and how he would react ( I do a lot of plotting in my mind with Jarad, considering the outcome before I proceed) Maybe I should stop doing that, and simply just do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and deal with the outcome later?

Anyway, that's all for now. Pura Vida

Friday!

Ok, so it has been a couple days, and well things have been better than normal, I've been busy with some work stuff, but also I've been spending time with my friends, which I missed. I got to hang out with my good friend Michael on Wednesday night which was sooo fantastic, I missed him!! Also, my friends and I have become regular tuesday night bowlers, for $16 bucks you get unlimted beer and unlimited bowling for like 3+ hours. It's always fun and always different, plus it gives me something to do, as Jarad has class on Tuesdays and is usually tired and itchin' to get home and relax after what feels like a 15 hour day of work. I can't blame him, but I don't have to pull off those crazy days anymore, but I still need something to keep me busy!

I gotta post this for now, the boss is coming by to chat, but I'll finish later

A New Day :)

Well, what a weekend... Jarad and I are connecting again! We had a long and much needed discussion on Saturday Night- I was so very impressed with his ability to sit down and ask me to discuss each issue, with out getting mad or defensive, that's not to say we both didn't get a little emotional at times, or upset about some of the things that were being implied, but in the end.. I felt a lot better- it's weird because I've always always always been the one to "over communicate" my problems, I will talk about something until I've exhausted my position on it. But for some reason with Jarad, I was bottling up, I was keeping my mouth shut, and that is such an extremely terrible idea, especially for me. So now that Jarad wants and expects me to express myself more often about the little things, I am much much happier. I was also concerned because I thought that Jarad wasn't that into me because we didn't kiss as much or hold hands, but I realized he wants to do that, but he wants me to initiate it, so I tried that on Sunday, I made the moves and he responded and I loved it, we had a fantastic evening of cuddling, watching a movie, and kissing on the couch last night. One of my very favorite places to be on a Sunday evening.

OH and even bigger news! Jarad is moving into his own place!!! A very quaint little house in fremont, I'm so excited for him, and I'm even more excited to help him fix it up, the painting and finding furniture, etc. It's a fun challenge for me, I just hope I don't overstep my boundaries. I told him he has to tell me if I do, it's not that I want to control how he decorates his house it's that I want to be involved in the process, I'm a sucker for projects... I'm my father's daughter. What can I say?! haha

Ok, so Jarad and I continue our journey... He is in school three nights a week now, which is stressful for him, but at least he gets out of work at a decent time now, not so many 12-13 hour days anymore. Which is good for him and for me! ha

I got to hang out with my friends this weekend, my "posse" if you will- they always make me happy and I truely appreciate that... I hope it happens more often, I'm working on fuseing Jarad and my group of friends, slowly but sure... It was an overall pretty fantastic weekend. I hope you all had equally enjoyable days!

A Busy Day

I had a little time, while I wait for my boss to bring me a pile of things to process... so I figured why not give you a little update.

Jarad came over yesterday, and like usual.. when I think and hope he will be over to my house around 5ish, he shows up around 8pm. I just get so frustrated because when I think we have made definate plans, he calls and says "so what's going on, do you want me to stop by?"

I guess I just need to accept that reliability isn't one of his strong points right now and a lot of that has to do with work, and his dedication to it. However, without realizing it he sort of dug himself in a hole because last night he was like, I set my own hours more or less, I just tell them what I'm going to do and when I'm coming in... and I think to myself, well if that's the case then how come you always have to work late when I have something important going on or when we have an evening planned? *sigh*

I just keep hoping something happens, something clicks for him, I've talked to him about some of this stuff, and now I just have to wait it out I guess.... The night overall ended well, he sort of got a second wind after being exhausted and starving, we relaxed for a bit and he ate some food and things got a little better... it's just that, well I didn't get a hug or kiss or any kind of affection till later on in the evening, sometimes I just want to yell "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO KISS ME!!!" I know, it doesn't sound like a good sign, if the guy you want to date, hesitates on any kind of display of affection.. but again, I'm hoping he will eventually make a decision, either he wants me or he doesn't but I guess I will just have to be paitent..

Wait- what the hell am I saying?! If this were any other guy acting like this, I would have bailed weeks ago, I would have said "ok, I get the hint, you are just not that into me" - I wouldn't be talking about how I'm just going to sit around and wait for him to DECIDE if he likes me or not, I deserve some answers!!! But... well... it's Jarad.. the one and only... I'm pathetic, but I thought and still think, we are meant to be together :(

The People That Matter

This is my best friend of all time, Jess, we've been "bffs" since high school, we've gotten into and gotten out of a lot of trouble together, we are now roomates, and I love her to death- She is the friend that I'll never question, she'll be honest with me even when it sucks to hear the truth, but then she'll throw her arm around me and tell me sometimes it's more fun to lie and make mistakes :)

This is an equally important lady in my life, Rebecca, we have been close friends for over a year now, we have also been roomates (at two different houses) for almost a year. I appreciate Becca in my life because we give and take from each other, in some ways I look up to her.

This is another pic of Jarad and I, Jarad (as previously mentioned) is an old best friend, and a new, possibly more than friend.

This is Dennis, where do I even begin... Dennis and I met in October of 2005. We started casually dating and I originally thought that it wasn't going to end up being more than friendship, so I dated other people, I went to Costa Rica for a month, and shortly after I returned Dennis asked me to go out to dinner as friends, or whatever. We did and I'm not sure what had changed about him, or what had changed about me, but I felt like we were closer and a little bit more mature, so we started dating, March 1st, 2006 Dennis officially asked me to be his girlfriend. In May, 2006 I graduated from College and moved to Omaha (where he lived)- In December 2006 he and I moved into a house with Rebecca, and two of Dennis's friends, Mark and Tyler. Things were always easy with Dennis, we didn't fight a lot, in fact hardly ever, we both enjoyed a lot of the same things, our Dogs, Huskers, social activities with his friends, who now after this long had become some of my closest friends as well. We went on a cruise together with Jessica and Rebecca (that's where the pic is from) and we went to Costa Rica together with my sister and her husband, and some of their friends. Dennis, from the very beginning made my life easy, he was always willing to help with the things I needed, he nursed me through my broken leg, he helped me get through writing a thesis to get my degree, I never once doubted that I could count on him, in fact I still don't doubt that he would be there if and when I need him. Dennis is and was a very important part of my life, but around September 2007, I started realizing I wasn't completely happy. I had gotten into a rutt, I wasn't myself anymore, I wasn't doing the things that made me who I wanted to be, and I had to make a change. Now it is hard enough to change yourself into a better person, let a lone try and change someone else with you. I tried to change myself and still be with him, but it didn't work- I just couldn't seperate him from all the other things I was trying to separate myself from. It's not his fault, it's never been his fault... So the changes that needed to be made is where it started, and that only got the ball rolling, it made me consider my future, and where I saw myself, and who I saw myself with and at this point after 2 years of being with someone, I really had to take a step back and see if at this point I was truely happily in love with him. I couldn't say that I was, I couldn't say that I was unhappy, but I couldn't say that it was the perfect situation and we would get married and lead the perfect life, I just couldn't commit to that, so I decided I needed my space, I couldn't live with him anymore, I cared for him more than he probably ever knew, but I had to distance, I had to force myself to live my own life, for me, as me. So Dennis moved out, we fought for a while always about stupid shit, but we also talked and remained some sort of friends, it just seemed like you can't have that good of a relationship with someone and not keep them in your life. There are still things that make this kind of friendship hard, obviously any guy that I date now doesn't like Dennis because they are threatened and Dennis doesn't think any other guy is good enough for me. I can't blame either party for thinking the way they do, I would be the same way, I don't know what the future holds for Dennis and I, but I can tell you he will forever be an important person in my life, and one of my very best friends.

This is my baby, Chloe Ellen Givens, she is shy and scared of everything, but she has always been there to cuddle me when I'm sad and jump around with me when I'm happy. Chloe has been there with me thru it all, though she is scared, she is stronger than she looks.

And this is Kitty, yes she is a giant dog (great date) who's name is Kitty.. I named her, and the name fits her perfectly, she is soooo sweet and tried to act tough when someone came to the door, but ultimately she was always more afraid of you than you thought you were of her. Sadly, Kitty is a big dog who eats a lot of food and she is a high maintenance diva dog, who needed and deserved a lot of attention. So when Dennis and I lived together it was easier for us to take care of her between the two of us, but when he moved I couldn't do it alone and he couldn't have dogs at his new place, so we gave her to Dennis's uncle, who lives alone and needed the companion, not to mention he is on a farm, so she is spoiled, with lots of room to run and lots of attention to get. I miss her though, the largest sweetest animal I've ever loved.

What Ifs?

Twisting a ring around
the rosie palm that perspired
from nervous thoughts.

What if the look
in my eyes and the words
in my mouth, aren’t enough for him?

Inhaling the steam that arises
over hot coffee, an attempt
to open up my closed throat.
Unable to structure
my wants and needs do not come
across to him clearly
like the muddy brown of my decaf.

Tying the knot
behind my back,
pulling the shirt taught
across my chest.

What if he realizes
my reality is not what
his fantasy had dreamt about?

Screaming out to the world
or just the office that surrounds me,
cubed up gophers, happy to be fed
on found love in all the surprising
areas of that gravel road.

(I wrote this one at work, but it has some symbolism and play on words that I really like)





Substantial Evidence

Now. I am wrapped up in you
my very favorite scarf.
Pulling you tighter to keep me
from shivering, and feeling
your goose bumps.

I have always had trouble
catching my breath
in the cold air, after a cigarette,
and when you kiss me.

Before-You were sure I was the perfect picture
of evil, and all things that cause pain.

I was sure that I was invincible, unlovable
and full of all the things that cause pain.

I was ignorant, naïve, and begging for love.
You were smart, but young, and begging for me.

I’ve never wanted to prove
that I am different, changed, better
than I was.

I always wanted to go back
to the glory years, when I was thin,
but thought I was chubby.

Now, I want to go forward
to the glory years, where I can love
the man who now, I am begging for.

I’m ready to make mistakes
together. You let me leave,
we both know the phone works
two ways.

I let you hate me, by making choices
that did not allow me to miss you.

I may be turning Blue
but it’s from holding my breath,
not from being as cold
as everyone assumes I am.

Mom, Dad, Brother,
Tyler, Ryan, Tim,
Carol, Tom, Jess,
I could go on about the list of people
who expect me to fail you
again, who are concerned
for only YOUR well being.

I have accepted the truths, I cannot change
the past, and as much as I hate to be doubted,
I can only rise to the occasion.

I will love you forever, I will need you forever,
I am waiting, I am accepting, and I am loving
You. I will not fail you this time.

I am ignorant, but open to information,
naïve, but wanting experience
and begging for True Love,
begging for you.


(After I read that one, I always think it sounds a little needed or demanding, I'm not sure which, it's not my favorite but it does have a lot of real life truth to it)








The Hypothetical Truth

You asked me to imagine
the look on their faces when we said
you had given me a ring.
You wanted to pretend, to joke,
to take pictures of their shocked expressions.

I wanted the ring. A statement,
I have never uttered, not even once in my life.

You wanted to know
how a typical day would go
living our lives in routine
with each other. You asked me
to dream about a home
that we would share and rebuild.

I wanted the house. A demand,
I’ve never craved to share with only one man.

You told me about the wedding,
the one I deserved and then
the one you admired. You asked me
to dream about our future.

I wanted that future as the present.
A Present, I’ve only loved because of You.


(Surprise, the name of my blog was inspired by this poem- It happened after a conversation that was had about how family would react to some of our dreams and our jokes, the entire conversation was completely hypothetical and we kept reminding each other of that after each siutation we would describe, but it felt to me that deep down we were both plotting and planning more than dreaming... maybe it takes a combination of those things to get anything done anyway. who knows?)






*warning, PG13*

intoxicated euphoria

My ears heard the sound
that my mind was creating,
the rumble of your truck
always made me run
to the door only to find
the snow plow.
I shoveled the white
right out of your eyes
blood shot from your stare
and the smoke that curled
away from my lips.
We let time slow itself
time slow itself itself slows
time we spent time like it
grew on trees, we watched
time grow itself. I devoured
your flesh hidden on
my body, not able to utter
full words I cling
to you, grab for you,
make love for you.

(It's not a clean poem, in any way, in the context, in the way it's written, in the confusion of words... I like the change from the other ones, and the way it seems like one long rambling confession.)



I might regret saying this, but I do enjoy feedback on the poetry, as long as it isn't Too harsh :)

After Lunch

Ok, so I had some left over lasagna that I cooked a couple nights ago, all by myself, with only the food we had in the house (which isn't a lot) so I made lasagna with chicken, broccoli, corn, a mixture of three different sauces, cottage cheese, mozzarella cheeze, chedder cheese, and obviously lasagna noodles. My roomates were all very skeptical but it's freakin delicious! After a little convincing they tried it and agreed, not too shabby :)

Again if you don't know me- you don't know that I know very very Very little about cooking, I like to experiment, espeically with italian dishes, I've done homemade pizza, and different variations of speghetti and alfredo, and now lasagna! Sooo, there you have it- I'm working on domesticating myself, I figured I'd try something new :)

Being it the beginning of a new year, there are a lot of things I'm trying to do, to "Self-Improve" .. for example, I've kept my room clean, laundry done, and the sink empty of dishes for over a week now, this, though a simple enough task, has never been a priority to me or my roomates, but I've found I'm much happier and relaxed when the little things like this are kept up around the house :)

I've also put myself on an eating schedule, trying to regulate what I eat, how much of it I eat, and trying to get my metabolism to keep up with smaller scheduled snacks throughout the day, instead of the one big meal I used to always eat at night. So there's that.

I've also been writing more poetry lately... I used to write a lot, my major in college is English with a emphasis on Composition, meaning I have a diploma that says I can write, but after college I sort of stopped doing that.. and now I've started again and in reality this blog is part of that "movement" - so I'm going to stop rambling on this specific post and post some poems next. :)

Continuing on...

In the small chance that you stumble across this blog and you don't know me, or anything about me, here is the cliff notes version of what is going on.


Jarad- is my best friend, I've known him since I was a skinny and incredibly naive Sophmore in high school, and I thought I ran the world. He was a skinny and incredibly dorky Freshman, who was more interested in his lawn mower than school. We were neighbors, and being the only kid left at home, I needed a friend that wasn't as demanding as the group of girls I hung out with. Anyway, long story short (I'll post that one later) - long story short, I couldn't imagine high school without Jarad, I believed that I was looking out for him, he was my little brother of sorts, but in retrospect... Jarad was doing a lot of looking out for me too, I just didn't realize it at the time.


Moving right along, Jarad and I tried to date at the end of his high school career, I was going into my sophmore year of college and he was graduating high school and trying to decide what to do with his life. I had just called off a relationship with my real high school sweetheart and I was an idiot, plain and simple, I didn't know what I wanted or how to get it, more or less a reckless body that was flailing my way through the days. Needless to say, it didn't work out that time around for Jarad and I and we both fled, not knowing how to go back to best friends after being bf/gf and the ultimate fact that Jarad was trying to love a train wreck, we split, and he hated me, with probably good reason, not exactly the reasons he thought he should hate me, but none-the-less I wasn't a good person to him then. Something I regret to this day.


Finally, that brings us to the present, that was three years ago and about two months ago (Thanksgiving Weekend) after not talking for almost three years, we ran into each other... Since that night, we haven't really been apart.. I mean we have obviously we don't live together or anything.. but I can't let go, I can't let him slip away again, and I definately cannot make the mistakes I did three years ago. From the minute we started talking that night, I knew he made me happy, happier than I had been in... well... three years... Obstacles present themselves to us, most definately... and the future? who knows... I know what I'd like, what I want, but I'm no physic and definately not a mind reader.. but I believe Jarad and I were brought back together for a reason, and I truely truely care for him.


He is sorta a big thing on my mind right now as I go through the motions of figuring him out, of thinking about us as a couple (which we are officially not..yet) and just trying to make sense of everything! So, you will be hearing about him often, I'm sure.

Ok, so this is probably my new very favorite picture. Vicki did what she does best, captured a picture that shows a good example of "us" - not awkwardly posed, and maybe I love it so much because I'm biased, and I know that Jarad was making me laugh during it, which is one of my very favorite things to do with him, giggle.

You will begin to notice, (and by you, I mean the non-existent people who I will pretend are reading this very pointless blog) - You will begin to notice that it's the middle of the day and I'm blogging like crazy- It's a slow day at work, they come and go, busy seasons, busy days, slow seasons, slow days, I enjoy my job, it fits me really well, but there are days where I have to busy myself and wait for the phone to ring, or wait for a job to be given to me, and in these times I will continue to enlighten you, the invisible reader, with the excitement of my mind, and my life.

Acceptance

I can't believe I've actually started a blog... I remember when I first learned what a "blog" even was, I thought it was silly... why in the world would you want to read about other people's random stuff, let alone waste the time writing about stuff that most people aren't going to read. I now bite my tounge, because I've accepted the world of the blog, partly because I found myself checking someone else's blog on a daily basis, hoping she had updated and finding interest and humor in her daily excerpts, but also because I realized I write daily about all the crap going on in my life and in my head, and typically I don't let other's read it, but what the heck- maybe the real truths come out if there is a risk of someone reading it, or at the very least a little humor and hypothetical truths :)

Enjoy, or not..