Where to start?

Well, I haven't written for a couple days, I had a three day weekend, which was absolutely fantastic, I spent it with Jarad, moving him into his new home and then enjoying his new place with him and randomly his friends. I fall more in love with him every day we spend together, but I also question and wonder if he is equally falling for me? I'm afraid to get hurt, and I'm afraid to put my trust into anyone. I've never been great at team stuff unless I'm the leader of the team, because ultimately I know that I will make sure things get done and I'm the only one I can count on. It's sad, I know... but not an easy thing to correct, especially when it's been going on for years and years. Anyway, on a happier note- Jarad and I had a little talk the other night after some confusion caused by miscommunication. The bottom line is, he said something along the lines of, "I've made up my mind, I want you, I choose you." I wanted to jump out of the chair, flail my arms and kiss the crap out of him. Instead, I think I just grinned and agreed with him. I'm not sure why I thought I had to play it cool, I guess I'm afraid to make any sudden movements, as if he is a wild animal who I'm desperately trying to hold, but who I know could dart away from me at any minute. Weird analogy, but extremely true.

I finally asked Jarad something I've been mulling in my head for a bit, and that was when or if he was ever going to be or at least let me think that he is head over heels for me. I know it sounds funny, but this time around that we have been dating, he's never really seemed like he has let go of himself and just wants to love me, he has always been very reserved, never letting me know that I have him, that he wants no one but me, but I've been throwing myself out there, to show him in ever possible way that I am committed to him, just once for a little bit it would be nice to be craved, wanted, desired, worshiped almost... I'm not needy or high maintainence, I just want to feel him love me, I just want to knock down that wall the he has so carefully built, considering every little detail, and being damn sure there are no cracks, windows, or doors that I could sneak thru. Maybe someday...

On a seperate note, I broke 100 in bowling last night!! woo hoo! I know, I'm a dork, and obviously extremely bad at bowling, but it's fun and always includes a lot of people and a lot of beer, what else is there to do on a cold tuesday night in Nebraska? Last night Michael came and that was fantastic, we always have a lot of catching up to do, as we value each other's opinions, especially when it comes to relationships... he is in a love triangle and that poor guy deserves so much better, I feel terrible for the luck of that guy sometimes!

There is talk of going out again tonight, but I don't know, I miss Jarad.. I know I saw him Tuesday morning and it's only Wednesday, I'm pathetic, but we spent A lot of time together over the weekend, and now it's like I just want to turn to him and say something, or kiss him, or think about kissing him and how he would react ( I do a lot of plotting in my mind with Jarad, considering the outcome before I proceed) Maybe I should stop doing that, and simply just do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and deal with the outcome later?

Anyway, that's all for now. Pura Vida