Attention?

I'm feeling the colors today, so Read Green if you want to know about the dreams I had last night (or actually this morning) - Read Purple if you want to know my questions about attention vs. affection. Red is about Valentines Day! and Blue is just, well a calm update.


I've been thinking a lot lately about the attention that I received and the attention that I give and of course the attention that I crave. Typically, the word attention is used in a negative way, which is why I never really like to use it.. for example, "She's just doing that for attention" Well probably, of course we do things for attention- self satisfaction can only take you soo far, once in a while some appreciation has to be noted. So then there is that- appreciation vs attention. I don't know, I'm even starting to confuse myself.. the point of this blog is that I realize I love to give attention to the people I care about (in this case, yes, you guessed it, its Jarad) I love to listen to him, to appreciate his thoughts, to hold his hand, to cuddle up close to him, to compliment the things he does well, and encourage him on the things he is trying to improve on, if I thought he wanted it, I could probably give him my constant attention.

The concern comes back to the equilibrium of this relationship, how much can I or should I give before I start to receive some of this appreciation and attention towards me? The big delima is the way different people give and accept attention. Again, this is getting deeper and more confusing than I intended. How do I know if I'm smothering? How do I know if I'm not giving enough? and How do I get him to give me the affection and attention that I want? Those are the questions at hand.

Last night went ok, Jarad made me feel really good because unintentionally he expressed that he needed me (to wake him up.. haha) , and also that he wanted my company, any day that I can get even a hint of those two things from that guy, is a good day. We watched a movie, cuddled up, and went to bed at a decent time, nothing exciting, nothing stressful... a good night to have once in a while. This morning didn't go quite so well, but I'm accepting that morning is not a good time for Jarad. So I suck it up, and tell myself that if it were any other time of the day, things would be better :)

On a related but seperate note- Valentines Day is coming up! I typically find this holiday a little silly, but none-the-less... it's nice to be silly with someone. I don't need big expensive gifts, or fancy restaurants, but a little extra "TLC" and maybe something thoughtful or like I said silly and fun that represents 'us' - those kind of things are always appreciated.


DREAMS
OHHHHHH I almost forgot, I had some CRAZY dreams this morning, when I went back to sleep for an hour or so. Believe it or not, they all involved Jarad in one way or another! haha First, I dreampt that Jarad and I were driving in my car together, and he turned to me after getting a text message and he was like - there is something I need to say... and I of course start to get that sick to my stomach feeling.. like oh crap- and he takes a deep breath, and pauses, so i'm getting really nervous, then he's like- I Love You. Which makes me breath again and smile ear to ear.. turns out the text was one from me, the one I try to send every morning, "have a good day, I love you" - I figure if he reads/hears it every day.. eventually he'll have to start believing and trusting me. Anyway so that is dream number one.. one of the good ones :)

Number two, Jarad and I go to an open house, at some fancy house we aren't looking at buying but hear there is free food and it looks like a neat place. So we go there and walk around do the thing, for some reason we leave, but decided to go back to it later to get some more food, turns out it was A LOT later.. and we accidentally go into the wrong house. So we walk in the house, but don't realize it's the wrong house because they are all cookie cutter houses that are identical, so Jarad starts digging in the cupboards to find the food that was left out earlier and this older mom like lady walks up and is like, "Can I help you?" - so I start apologizing, explaining we thought it was the other house that was vacant, etc etc.. by the luck of god she believes us and is very sweet, offers us some crackers and we jet out the door as fast as we can.. holding back some crazy laughter about how silly/lucky we were. ( I relate this dream, to breaking into my old house when it was still vacant, and the feeling of 'getting caught')

Finally, the last dream I remember is sketchy and I remember more of the feelings in the dream than what was actually going on. I know there was a bridge, and it was sort of in a neighborhood area, but offset in some trees going over a rather deep stream. So I decide I need to walk on the outside of the bridge rather than inside the railing, I'm not sure why.. but I remember looking down and being nervous, but Jarad was walking with me on the inside of the railing, step by step. At one point I lose my footing a bit and fall to my knees, somehow or another I continue then across the bridge on all fours, barely hanging on and no longer able to see Jarad... the last thing I remember is feeling terrified, but thinking I had to make it across on my own. I woke up with a jump after this one.. I think I must have fallen :(

So yeah, crazy dreams- I usually don't remember them, I often remember that I had dreams and then they escape me, except for sometimes the feelings or emotions that were connected to them. Crazyness.


This thing is WAY longer than I intended, my bosses are gone for the week so - I sort of have A LOT to do, but I also have A LOT of time to make sure it gets done. Enjoy your day!