What Ifs?

Twisting a ring around
the rosie palm that perspired
from nervous thoughts.

What if the look
in my eyes and the words
in my mouth, aren’t enough for him?

Inhaling the steam that arises
over hot coffee, an attempt
to open up my closed throat.
Unable to structure
my wants and needs do not come
across to him clearly
like the muddy brown of my decaf.

Tying the knot
behind my back,
pulling the shirt taught
across my chest.

What if he realizes
my reality is not what
his fantasy had dreamt about?

Screaming out to the world
or just the office that surrounds me,
cubed up gophers, happy to be fed
on found love in all the surprising
areas of that gravel road.

(I wrote this one at work, but it has some symbolism and play on words that I really like)





Substantial Evidence

Now. I am wrapped up in you
my very favorite scarf.
Pulling you tighter to keep me
from shivering, and feeling
your goose bumps.

I have always had trouble
catching my breath
in the cold air, after a cigarette,
and when you kiss me.

Before-You were sure I was the perfect picture
of evil, and all things that cause pain.

I was sure that I was invincible, unlovable
and full of all the things that cause pain.

I was ignorant, naïve, and begging for love.
You were smart, but young, and begging for me.

I’ve never wanted to prove
that I am different, changed, better
than I was.

I always wanted to go back
to the glory years, when I was thin,
but thought I was chubby.

Now, I want to go forward
to the glory years, where I can love
the man who now, I am begging for.

I’m ready to make mistakes
together. You let me leave,
we both know the phone works
two ways.

I let you hate me, by making choices
that did not allow me to miss you.

I may be turning Blue
but it’s from holding my breath,
not from being as cold
as everyone assumes I am.

Mom, Dad, Brother,
Tyler, Ryan, Tim,
Carol, Tom, Jess,
I could go on about the list of people
who expect me to fail you
again, who are concerned
for only YOUR well being.

I have accepted the truths, I cannot change
the past, and as much as I hate to be doubted,
I can only rise to the occasion.

I will love you forever, I will need you forever,
I am waiting, I am accepting, and I am loving
You. I will not fail you this time.

I am ignorant, but open to information,
naïve, but wanting experience
and begging for True Love,
begging for you.


(After I read that one, I always think it sounds a little needed or demanding, I'm not sure which, it's not my favorite but it does have a lot of real life truth to it)








The Hypothetical Truth

You asked me to imagine
the look on their faces when we said
you had given me a ring.
You wanted to pretend, to joke,
to take pictures of their shocked expressions.

I wanted the ring. A statement,
I have never uttered, not even once in my life.

You wanted to know
how a typical day would go
living our lives in routine
with each other. You asked me
to dream about a home
that we would share and rebuild.

I wanted the house. A demand,
I’ve never craved to share with only one man.

You told me about the wedding,
the one I deserved and then
the one you admired. You asked me
to dream about our future.

I wanted that future as the present.
A Present, I’ve only loved because of You.


(Surprise, the name of my blog was inspired by this poem- It happened after a conversation that was had about how family would react to some of our dreams and our jokes, the entire conversation was completely hypothetical and we kept reminding each other of that after each siutation we would describe, but it felt to me that deep down we were both plotting and planning more than dreaming... maybe it takes a combination of those things to get anything done anyway. who knows?)






*warning, PG13*

intoxicated euphoria

My ears heard the sound
that my mind was creating,
the rumble of your truck
always made me run
to the door only to find
the snow plow.
I shoveled the white
right out of your eyes
blood shot from your stare
and the smoke that curled
away from my lips.
We let time slow itself
time slow itself itself slows
time we spent time like it
grew on trees, we watched
time grow itself. I devoured
your flesh hidden on
my body, not able to utter
full words I cling
to you, grab for you,
make love for you.

(It's not a clean poem, in any way, in the context, in the way it's written, in the confusion of words... I like the change from the other ones, and the way it seems like one long rambling confession.)



I might regret saying this, but I do enjoy feedback on the poetry, as long as it isn't Too harsh :)