Projects?

I don't know if it is cabin fever, from the extreme cold days... or if I'm just too settled and I need to stir things up, but I'm looking for a project. I find that I liked to be focused on something, when I'm at work and I have a task at hand, I'm much happier than when it is slow and I have to "find" things to do. It's basically the same when I'm at home, but sometimes I make a person my focus, ok by sometimes I mean.. I usually make a person my focus, I like to observe them and understand them and do things for them and with them, I write about them and their affects on me, I write about our future and our past, Writing combined with the inspiration of a person who I am moved by... often fills my time, but what happens when I've exhausted my obsession with that person? In the past, I moved on...

This time, I'm completely happy- I don't want to move on... ever. But I still need a subject, a project, inspiration, obsession, concentration- I can dedicate myself to my work, but ultimately that doesn't self-satisfy for me, at least not yet. I could drink heavily and waste my time, but well I already do that enough and it doesn't seem to excite me. All this time, I've been fighting to get my life under control, and now it more or less is, and I've realized I am too intellegent to be bored- I will drive myself crazy.

Ok, I'm done with that soap box, I'll figure something out- I always do and in the meantime at least I can smile and say I've found the love my life, and he almost... almost... has come to realize how perfect we are :) It's silly but I want to just run around and shout about how much I love Jarad and how I would do anything for him... but for some reason, I'm still reserved around him... again with the scaring off thing, I suppose.

I'm also still afraid, I'm still afraid he could smash me, figuratively of course.. he could smash my dreams for us, he could break my heart, and he could kick my happy ass to the curb. He could take the flight method (flight vs. fight) - I would fight for us, but if he wants others if he wants to be free if he wants a different life than the one I can give him... what will I do? So yeah, there is fear...

I don't know, We have come so far and we have a long ways to go, and I'm soo excited about the journey, I'm still curious about the outcome but I'm going to enjoy every step along the way. (That's good advice for anyone and any situation.)

Yeah, I suppose I will leave you with that... enjoy your journey.

<3